breathin" by Ariana Grande

In a recent interview, Ariana Grande said that 2018 was both the best year of her life...and the worst. All I can say is...Ari, I'm right there with you. I think a lot of people are. And while most people haven't had as crazy a year as Grande has had (recovering from the trauma of a terrorist attack at one of her concerts, getting engaged, losing someone she loved to an overdose, getting un-engaged - all while churning out chart-toppers), there seems to be this atmosphere hanging in the air. That this was supposed to be a year of trials, tribulations, and transformation. I've been hanging around on Twitter a lot lately (a lot more than I had been the last couple of months) and - perhaps it's just the people I follow - but there's been a lot of "2018 year kind of sucked but I grew a lot as a person and that's awesome" stuff going around. Along with this seems to be an undercurrent of "2019 is going to be a-mazing." And while we always seem to think that around the New Year before it turns into same shit, different week...I'm hopeful. Who knows? Maybe 2019 really will be amazing.

I have plans, though. Lots of plans, because I do see the new year as an opportunity to start over, in some ways. To renew motivation. To refocus on what's important. Because, sometimes, that's all you can do. So, in addition to my perennial resolution to become a member of the Illuminati (which I make every year, because that should be everyone's goal), I'm expanding on my yearly motto of Read More, Write More, Move More, Be More.....and now, Love More. I'm going to try to be more present for my family, and more understanding and patient. With them and myself. I'm going to keep writing and try to be more effective with the few hours I have a week to devote to my projects. I plan to continue and expand my yoga practice (something I've taken up recently that I've found helps with the existential dread). Cook more and eat a more plant-based diet (The Husband is not very happy with this so we're not going completely vegetarian....for now). And then the usual business of continuing to be awesome at my job, being a good leader, and maintaining my current pace of constant learning. Which is exhausting, but incredibly rewarding when I look back at how far I've come.

Some days, things just take way too much of my energy

I look up and the whole room's spinning

You take my cares away

I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate

Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'

How do I know if this shit's fabricated?

Time goes by and I can't control my mind

Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'

And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Lately, I've been having these moments of soul-wrenching pain. And by pain, I mean mental anguish...but I also feel it in my heart as well. But it's fine - they last 5 to 10 minutes at most. They might go away eventually....or I might keep having them until I die. I've accepted this - I have a sinking feeling that it's the latter, but I'll keep hoping. Anyway, I have this ridiculous theory that tears make your eyelashes grow longer so, really, weeping for no good reason (or for reasons that cannot be fully articulated or even understood) is an integral part of my beauty routine. As I said, these moments are temporary and the way to get through them is to stop. Keep breathing. And remember everything I have to be grateful and happy for. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Despite all my failures and faults this year, I've become a better version of myself. And isn't that the purpose of a resolution? To make a conscious decision to better than you were before? Well, I'm going to take a page out of Neil Gaiman's book and make some new mistakes next year. Some really good, imaginative, spectacular mistakes. Because I'm still trying, damn it, and that's all anyone can expect from me. I'm putting in the effort, I'm putting in the work.

Some notes on the song - As you might've been able to guess, "breathin" is about Ariana Grande's struggle with anxiety, which got considerably worse (understandably) after the Manchester Bombing. Grande was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after a suicide bomber killed 23 people leaving one of her concerts. She has been very open about the feelings of guilt and pain and grief that she's experienced after this event. Unfortunately, this has led to quite a bit of public scrutiny. I think it's important to remember that we can't really judge other people's experiences or how they deal with them. It's not easy to tell when someone is struggling with anxiety or PTSD or depression - some people are more adept at hiding mental illness because they feel like they have to. On the flip side, society has this idea that mental illness should be obvious - that you should be breaking down in tears if you're really feeling sad. But really, the most common signs of these illnesses are being withdrawn and exhausted all the time, which seems to be the American Millennial's red badge of courage. However, this seems to be changing. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but essential in order to be able to contribute your best to the world. There's a number of women younger than me (all around 23-27) that I really admire because it seems they've figured out things (like the aforementioned truisms) that took me three decades to even begin to learn. I wish I had understood when I was in my 20s, but there's a lesson in that, too. It's never too late.

Happy New Year, my friends! I hope your 2019 is everything you imagine it will be!

"breathin" Video

"Youngblood" by 5 Seconds of Summer

I'm going to keep it short for today. My trip for the holidays simultaneously wore me out and fucked up my whole plan for this month. I did have a lot more songs for this month planned out but between getting ready to travel, actually travelling, and trying to spend time with my family, I didn't get in as much writing and ranting as I would've hoped. Which is maybe a good thing. I do feel a bit rejuvenated, which means I will not be putting up with anybody's shit in 2019 - well, at least not for the first few weeks. As a result, you may have noticed I focused more on new releases for 2018 instead of just ranting about a bunch of my favorite songs (although there were a few of those thrown in). Overall, I think that was a good compromise and you'll get to hear/learn about those other songs sometime in the future.

"Youngblood" was my favorite Song of the Summer that came out in 2018. It kind of just hit like a meteor in the US, because it became 5SOS first Number 1 single on the Top 40 and it stayed at the top for over a month, which is impressive for any song, especially considering the amount of really great music that has been released lately.

Lately our conversations end like it's the last goodbye

Yeah, one of us gets too drunk and calls about a hundred times

So who you been calling, baby, nobody could take my place

When you're looking at those strangers, hope to God you see my face

5SOS has said that "Youngblood" is about the push/pull of a relationship or maybe of a relationship that the singer never quite got right. Because it's pretty clear it's over, if she's seeing other people. Or it's an on-again/off-again relationship, where they just can't let go of each other but they can't make it work either. They just keep going in this circle when really they either need to move on or actually make a commitment to be together instead of playing games. The whole song reeks of being exhausted with the whole cycle. Whether he's going after her or pushing her away, he feels like a dead man. But he needs it "all of the time." I've needed things all of the time - eventually, you just learn to live without it because you have no other choice. Especially if whatever "it" is - and in "Youngblood's" case, it's a person's love - isn't willing to be given, you can't force it. In my honest opinion, he should delete this girl out of his phone, out of his life. If he can't do that, well -- he's fucked. I don't know what to tell you. I guess he could be honest and tell her how he feels and if she's a grown up, she'll be honest too and they'll figure it out together. Or, if she is in fact a "youngblood" who can't deal with icky emotions and the realization that she's actually causing this guy a lot of pain because she's doing whatever she wants and stomping all over his heart in the process, she'll cut him out completely. Which will hurt - immensely for at least the first few weeks - but it's in both their best interests. And that was your weekly dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess. Next week, we'll explore how to bring up polyamory in your currently monogamous relationships without a horrendous fight.

"Youngblood" Alternative Video

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

I was going to post this yesterday but I felt it was more important to watch "My Best Friend's Wedding" with my older sister. Because I've been lazy over the holiday, I've decided to scrap the third Taylor Swift song for this month. (You're welcome!) Anyway, this is my favorite Christmas song. Not very original. I'm pretty sure everybody's favorite Christmas song, at least of the female/gay male persuasion. I'm pretty sure most people can identify it - we've all had a Christmas where we couldn't be with someone we love, either due to distance, work obligations, or other reasons. My dad was deployed pretty much my whole childhood but I honestly can't remember a Christmas that he didn't spend with us. We were very lucky like that - other military families are not. I think that's the probably the hardest thing - missing someone so badly, knowing that they can't come home, even though you know they're missing you, too. I think that's why this song resonates with so many people. It captures a part of Christmas that isn't so happy, but it's still pretty fucking catchy.

I don't want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won't make me happy

With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is you

You baby

I'm going to keep with the theme and talk about my favorite Christmas movie. It's "Love Actually." Don't act surprised. It was on TV last night, but I'm pretty sure it's on Netflix, too - not sure how long that will last, but it's there if you want to watch it. Basically, it's a bunch of different love stories (which revolve around Christmas) interwoven together into a cohesive narrative. I believe most of the characters know each other, at least by sight, so it's fun to see them weave in and out of each other's narratives. My favorite story out of the ones in the movie is that of Jamie and Aurelia. Jamie comes home to find his wife/girlfriend (it wasn't specified but they live together) cheating with his brother. To get some distance from the situation, he goes to his summer rental in France to work on his novel. Since the owner didn't expect him during winter, the usual maid that assists him wasn't available, so she's hired Aurelia. She doesn't speak English (or even French), just Portuguese. But they manage and, at the end of the day, he drives her home. My favorite scenes are when they are each saying something in their native language and it's almost the exact same thing but from the opposite perspective. For example, in my favorite scene, he's driving her home and he says to her, "It's my favorite part of the day, driving you home." And she replies, "It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you." Isn't that so sad? OMFG, the heart strings! But they get a happy ending. After Jamie leaves France, he starts learning Portuguese on his own. Mind you, he has no expectation that he'll ever see her again, no idea how she feels, but in his mind, a plan is starting to form. On Christmas, he is about to join his family but he has some sort of epiphany. He drops the presents at the door and runs to Heathrow airport. In his grand gesture, he walks the Portuguese district of Paris looking for Aurelia (with most of the residents of the area in tow). When he gets the restaurant where she works, he proposes to her in bad Portuguese. Aurelia says "Yes," in broken English. She learned English for him! "Just in cases." I think that's beautiful. Neither of them knew each other felt the same but they knew they had to overcome this barrier in order to even have a chance.

Anyway, a belated Merry Christmas to you all! There is an official video for this song. Enjoy!

"All I Want for Christmas is You" Video

"Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys

Tonight's full moon is in its home sign of Cancer, which is also my Sun sign. I'm pretty much your stereotypical Cancer - I'm self-aware enough to admit that. In general, I tend to take astrology with a grain of salt but I think it can be effective to understand your chart just for "know thyself" purposes. The goal of astrology is to embody the positive aspects of your Sun sign while being aware - and in control of - the negative aspects. For example, a Cancer person at their best is extremely passionate, loving, nurturing, spontaneous, and creative. We have a tendency to go with the flow, are incredibly loyal and protective of the people we care about, and although we can come off kind of cold, we're actually extremely emotional and open (you just have to get past the tough shell, hence the crab symbolism). That all sounds great, right? Well, there's always a dark side. We can be moody and overemotional. Very clingy in relationships (so true - in the beginning, I was always holding the Husband's hand or wanting kisses when he was busy - to be fair, I was young and he was my first serious relationship). On our worst days, we can become extremely pessimistic - and I'm generally an optimistic (idealistic) person, so when I get into those dark places (which can happen with no warning), it can be surprising to some people. Cancers have a tendency to be suspicious of others without cause and cling to imagined slights to justify it (so much jealousy when I was younger!). Oh - and did I mention we also have a tendency to nag? That's something I have to be especially aware of as a supervisor, because it can seem that I don't trust my team to do their jobs, even though it's just my anxiety to ensure that we meet our objectives.

There are other things in your chart besides your Sun sign. For example, my moon is in Scorpio, which means I tend to be obsessive, feel an attraction towards the occult/mystical, and when I go dark, I go really dark (like "life is meaningless and we should destroy everything" dark). But, I have Mercury in Gemini, which means I'm very good with communication (which makes sense, when you look at my day job and my side hustle as a writer). Again, the goal is to know yourself - astrology is a tool to do that better, even if you don't take it that seriously. With the Full Moon in Cancer, it's also all about hyper-feminine energy. Following your intuition and getting in touch with your emotions is the core emphasis for the last stretch of 2018. I've always been drawn to the Dark Mother archetype for goddesses - Persephone, The Morrigan, Kali, Hekate, Lilith. Out of these, I'm most called to Lilith - her power lies in Sexuality as opposed to Knowledge (Hekate) or Destruction (Kali). Men fear her because they want her but can't own her. She's also one of those goddesses who is unapologetically feminine. Nowadays, we seem to be totally cool when a woman embraces her masculine side but still struggle with people (men and women) embracing and enjoying femininity. Yes, even "feminists" seem to have issues with this, sometimes (that's a rant for another day). And that's what a full moon in Cancer is here to remind us. That there is power in softness. That it takes a special kind of strength to be emotionally vulnerable. That trusting your intuition is not weakness.

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame

So bright, she can burn your eyes

Better look the other way

You can try but you'll never forget her name

She's on top of the world

Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground

And we're burning it down

Oh, got our head in the clouds

And we're not coming down

It's been a very emotional day. Almost had a nervous breakdown earlier over a snafu with the rental car, which happened as a result of letting The Husband sleep in too late (okay....I didn't "let" him...I kept trying to wake him up earlier but he still slept in until 10am). I didn't blame him, though - nope, instead, I just beat myself up because, in all honesty, I should've just dragged him out of bed and just dealt with him being pissed at me for an hour (he still ended up being pissed because he had to contact the rental company to resolve the issue). The truth is I'm getting really tired of feeling like I have to take on all the responsibility and do everything myself. In addition to that, I had a really weird dream about The Movie Star (formerly The Muse - only a half-sarcastic moniker because I genuinely hope he achieves his goal of becoming a working actor). He was telling me all the things I had hoped he would say to me in the past and my reaction was, "Oh, that's nice....Bye!" Which I suppose is a good thing - it proves that I'm really done with it. And even though I still think he's objectively attractive, if I ever run into him again, I'm pretty sure that I'll have that same reaction. "Nice to see ya! Now, excuse me, I have shit to do." There's kind of a sad finality to it - a farewell to innocent hopes - but it's also kind of freeing, too. Now I can be my own Muse.

Lately, I've been feeling "Girl on Fire," mostly because everything is a mess and - damn it! - I'll fix this shit myself if I have to. Which, increasingly, it feels like that might be the case. The song is about knowing your power and being independent and standing on your own. Yes, the girl might be lonely, but that doesn't dull her light. If anything, maybe it makes her burn brighter. There are worse things than being alone. In the video, Alicia Keys portrays a single mother, making it work the only way she knows how. And of course, she looks absolutely beautiful doing it. Anyway, it's been a long day and I'm not even sure today's rant was cohesive but - to be honest - I really don't give a shit right now.

"Girl on Fire" Video

"Consequences" by Camila Cabello

Happy Yule, my friends! For the Winter Solstice, I picked a song that explores some personal darkness. In pagan traditions, from Samhain to Yule, the focus is usually on introspection and self-awareness. In modern witchcraft, we focus a lot on shadow work as a means of enhancing our magical practice. You may have heard me mention shadow work a few times. For those of you who aren't practicing pagans/witches and/or don't have a degree in Psychology, the shadow is a concept introduced by Carl Jung, which represents all the dark/unpleasant parts of our personality that we generally try to repress or hide. Shadow work involves exploring the shadow, with a heavy emphasis on confronting our demons and becoming comfortable with expressing those parts of ourselves in a psychologically healthy manner. For example, if you drink a lot and do things you regret while under the influence, you might explore why you're drinking or why you feel like you have to drink in certain situations. Or perhaps you get irrationally angry or depressed when people bring up certain topics, you would try to understand why you have such a strong emotional reaction. This understanding is supposed to make these situations easier to handle and - in cases that involve addiction and self-destructive tendencies - be able to cope without to resorting to these things. The Alcoholics Anonymous 12 steps was influenced by Jung's theory, but even non-structured shadow work can be a helpful way to get through a lot of difficult life circumstances - eating disorders, divorce, death, job transitions - really any major changes that can affect your psychological stability.

Now that we know what shadow work is, we can discuss how to do it. It's actually pretty simple stuff.

1. Watch your emotional reactions and pay attention to what triggers really strong negative feelings. A lot of the time, we get angry at someone and then we realize that's something you also do. By recognizing and understanding this, we grow compassion for others and for ourselves.
2. Engage in an inner dialogue. This is especially important when you've hurt others. You need to step back and ask yourself, "Why did I do or say that?" When you understand your reasoning, defensiveness drops away. This allows you to be more genuine in your apologies and repair relationships more effectively. Being able to acknowledge that you were wrong and taking responsibility for the things you've done is very important if you want relationships to work. It's also important after a relationship has ended, so you can move on and not make the same mistakes.
3. Make peace with the "bad" parts of yourself. You don't have to be "good" all the time. Usually, what we consider as "good" is just what society has deemed as acceptable. But that doesn't mean the rest is bad. It's okay to be lazy sometimes. It's okay to be undisciplined or flakey or uncommunicative. Become comfortable with that. I think this is probably the hardest part for most people. We spend so much time trying to be perfect. But we're imperfect. And all this striving for perfect makes us forget to appreciate the good in things, because they weren't "just right" or didn't go as planned. 

There are many methods to do the above things. You can journal (I personally do a lot of journaling). You can meditate. You can create something (which is where I'm going with this rant). You can do something that you're scared to do. But, no matter what you do, you have to make sure that you're cultivating self-compassion and self-awareness. You're not bashing on yourself - quite the opposite. You're actually just giving yourself the time to process your emotions and thoughts that no one else was willing to give you. And ensure that you're honest with yourself. I know there's illusions we want to cling to because it's safer, it makes us feel better - but, trust me, living in that false reality doesn't serve your highest self. Finally, after shadow work, make sure you engage in self-care. Get an ice cream or a massage or chill on the couch and watch your favorite movie (even though it makes you cry like a baby....no, fuck it - ESPECIALLY if it makes you cry like a baby).

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my defenses

But loving you had consequences

This rant is already pretty long but I did want to address why I love this song. This is the third single from Camila Cabello's debut album, which was released at the end of October. Usually, with pop music, music executives want singles to be upbeat and catchy, but I think they got it right with "Consequences." It's incredibly vulnerable and emotionally charged, but with a softness that can only evolve from self-reflection. Cabello has said this was based on a past relationship. Based on the lyrics, I'm guessing he was an alcoholic and she tried to hold on but she was drowning. I'm listening to the rest of her album right now and it sounds like a lot of it was born out of this relationship. I know a lot of people think that pop music is vapid and shallow - and that was very true a few years ago. But I think we've gotten to a good place, where pop music has a lot of depth. You're also seeing a trend in pop artists writing their own lyrics (with a little help from professional song-writers and collaborators), so we are - in fact! - listening to their shadow work, listening to them process their emotions and inner turmoil through music. And that's all art is, essentially - someone felt an emotion really strongly that they had to create something from it. They either had to write a book or a song, they had to dance or paint, they had to fucking do something! Something to keep them from exploding from the pain or the happiness. Creation comes naturally when you're not holding stuff inside, when you're not repressing parts of yourself that make you unique.

Just a few notes on the video - Camila Cabello and Dylan Sprouse (of "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" fame) reenact scenes from an old relationship. They're supposed to be memories, so all their scenes have them covered in a gold haze, which makes them both look like angels, even during the not-so-pleasant parts of their relationship. While those scenes are going on, Camila is walking through a park alone, looking super sad. But you can tell that she doesn't blame him for anything - honestly, even from the lyrics in the song, I think she's putting way too much blame on herself. But some things we can't control. That's the big lesson of shadow work - some things are out of our control and the only thing we can do in that case is handle the situation with dignity and compassion.

Alright....I'm seriously done ranting now. Enjoy the video!

"Consequences"

"Born for Greatness" by Papa Roach

This is a good song to listen to on those days when you don't want to do much. When your bones and blood and brains just refuse to move. The days when inspiration won't come. I've learned that those are the days you have to work the hardest. Be warned - I feel a major rant coming on and it's a doozy.

I love writing. And I kind of hate writing. I love writing when it comes easily, when my word wizardry knows no bounds and plots just form themselves. When the infinite ideas in my head flow easily from my fingertips and characters are more real than actual people. That feels amazing! Unfortunately, for every day where that happens, there's at least one day when my mind goes blank. When all the dialogue I write feels contrived, when every story I think of seems like something I read somewhere else or saw in a movie. Days when I find myself staring at an empty Word document, screaming at myself, "What are you doing?! You have absolutely no talent, why even fucking try?" Yeah, the things our brains tell us are something else. Brains remember all the cruelest things that people ever said to us, tell us we're all the worst things we can imagine. Brains show us exactly where all the lines we shouldn't cross are and then make us fear what will happen if we try to cross them. Brains tell us to be afraid of being who we are, because everyone is sure to hate that person. It took me a long time to learn that a lot of this is bullshit, mostly because I had someone else (someone I was supposed to trust and who I thought loved me) telling me all that same stuff.

I've been reading a lot of shit about being your "authentic" self. You can comb that stuff for days but one thing is for certain - you can't be authentic if you're stuck in you're head. And I don't mean stuck in your head with daydreams and fantasies (most of these hippie-dippie sites agree that daydreaming is good for you), I mean stuck in your head with the anxiety and the negativity and the mean stuff. Yes, that stuff might still be in there (in fact - just from my own experience - I guarantee it will be for a while), but you can't let it take over. You can't let it own you. You have to be stronger than it. So how do you do this? Well, you cast a Patronus charm. Duh! You knew I'd find my way back to Harry Potter, so don't act surprised. 

But seriously, the foundation of a Patronus is happy thoughts and the pure, unadulterated will to overcome fear with light. However, that's a whole lot harder than it sounds, because science has proved we are hardwired to remember bad memories over good. It's a survival thing - good things aren't a threat so why bother remembering them? Meanwhile, forgetting that fire is hot or that those berries made you sick could kill you. Objectively, that is more important. But, if you can humor me for a moment, consider that awful thing your brain is telling you, then choose a memory that makes you happy. Something that helps you remember that the awful things aren't true. I, personally, feel that happiness where my heart is. I don't know how to describe it, exactly, but it's a sort of pleasant heaviness. There's also a gentle knowing feeling, like I know what's true and that's all I need to succeed. Coincidentally, it's the same feeling I associate with Love or Faith. If you can hold onto that feeling for a little bit, it'll get you through whatever you need to do. I'm not saying you won't need therapy or medicine - some people do and that's okay. But, if it ever gets to a point where you need a little extra help, a Patronus charm can take you a few steps farther than you otherwise would have.

Back to what I was ranting about....What do I remember when it's too hard to write? I think of the paper I wrote on mitosis in 8th grade and about how, when my science teacher gave it back to me, she grabbed my hand and said, "You should be a writer. You're too talented not to be." That's what's real. None of the other stuff.

It doesn’t matter if the world has gone mad

If we just hold on, if we just hold on yeah

The sky is falling and the world has gone mad

And we sing our songs, and we just hold on yeah

So if you’re running, stop running

One life, one chance, start living

Sing it louder just to let the world know

No, we’re not nameless, we’re not faceless

We were born for greatness

I really like the chorus to "Born for Greatness," especially the first couple of lines. I don't know - it just kind of feel like the world has gone mad, sometimes. But I feel balance coming - maybe we can't see it, but it's coming. Perhaps it's more of a tipping point, really. The last couple of years have felt really sludgy to me lately for some reason. Yes, I believe that was the right word to describe it. I think it's easy to let the darkness consume us, sometimes - heck, maybe we even want it to, because it feels familiar, because it's all we've known for a long time. But the light feels good, too. There's two beliefs that keep me going most days - we're all interconnected and everything happens in cycles. Remembering we're interconnected keeps me from giving into my worst instincts and being cruel to people, because any harm I do to them ultimately reflects back to me. And remembering that everything happens in cycles keeps me from being sad when something ends, because there's a new beginning around the corner. I guess that's just believing in balance, just phrasing it in two different ways. And that's what our highest self wants to understand - there can be no pleasure without pain, no happiness without sadness, no light without the shadows.

"Born for Greatness" Video

"Good Girls" by 5 Seconds of Summer

This song reminds me of myself. If you met me, you'd assume I'm a "good girl." I've been called a "goody two-shoes" and a "legal beagle" a lot in my life because I have a tendency to point out the rules. My dad has suggested several times that I should've been a lawyer. I probably would've been a good one because - here's the thing - you can't break the rules if you don't know what they are. And it's easier to get away with being bad when you look like an angel. 😈

Yep. I was actually a pretty bad kid when I was in high school and in college. Getting straight As wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't do my homework most of the time because I thought it was a waste of my time. Which it was - I'd ace tests all the time with zero studying. The only thing homework ever did for me is cut into my anime time. True story: My sophomore year of school, I had a geometry teacher who would walk around the classroom and check that we did the homework. So I would do enough questions in the 10 minutes before class to fill the top half of my paper and then cover up the bottom half of the page to hide that I didn't actually do the assignment. By the time I had started doing that in the third week of school, I had cemented my place as the top student in class so my teacher never thoroughly checked my work - she just assumed I did it and moved onto the next person. Which is how I became friends with Carlos, who was super cool and played guitar. He was impressed my ingenuity and deviousness.

I wish I could say that this was the worst of my bad behavior but I'd be lying. I have way too many of these stories. For example, one night, I told my mom I was going over to Rae's house to watch movies but we actually went to this dive bar called The Peanut Gallery. It was as dirty as you're imagining. We were supposed to be meeting this 22-year-old she was talking to on the Internet but she decided against introducing herself when she saw him. Instead, we watched the screamo band that was playing and our other friend, Jen, got the lead singer's phone number. Could we have died that night? Possibly. I do not recommend going to meet strangers you only talk to on the Internet. Luckily, the guy had no idea what Rae looked like, so we could play dumb. I ended up breaking up with that guy over instant messenger for Rae. Because, apparently, I'm good at breaking up with people when I'm not one of the people involved. She had me break up with a few people, actually. In my defense, though, I would also deliver her "I like you" notes when she was too chicken to do it herself. In fact, I jumped off a 6-foot-wall once delivering one - I landed on my feet and then promptly fell onto the gravel and cut up my hands pretty bad.

She's a good girl

She's Daddy's favorite

He's saved for Harvard

He know she'll make it

She's good at school

She's never truant

She can speak French

I think she's fluent

'Cause every night she studies hard in her room

At least that's what her parents assume

But she sneaks out the window to meet with her boyfriend

Here's what she told me the time that I caught 'em

She said to me:

"Forget what you thought

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught

So just turn around and forget what you saw

'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught"

I do stupid stuff, sometimes, did I mention that? This is a common problem with Gryffindors - we follow our hearts and not our heads. We have a strong sense of right and wrong - and firmly believe that, sometimes you have to break the rules to do what feels right. Good people don't necessarily have good histories and a squeaky clean reputation doesn't always mean that a person has good intentions. The boundaries that society builds for us aren't always the right ones. Unfortunately, those are the hardest to break away from. I was thinking about Hermione this morning. I feel that she was the most Gryffindor out of the trio. I know there are some people (*cough*Ravenclaws*cough*) that disagree but hear me out! She didn't believe knowledge was the end-all-be-all for life - she believed that knowledge was a tool to make the world better for everybody. It really pissed me off that they cut out the SPEW plotline. I understand that, in the grand scheme of things, that plotline was probably not very important but it was essential for understanding why Hermione is a Gryffindor and not a Ravenclaw. Because she saw what she felt was an injustice and she took action. And she stood up for what she believed in, even though her friends thought she was crazy, even though the wider Wizard society thought the status quo was just fine. I think people ignore this because we all love Hermione so much but....the bitch did some stupid shit without putting much critical thought into it. Think about it - she was the one who was like "Hey, I stole a bunch of ingredients to make a complicated potion that we're going to brew in the girls bathroom in broad daylight and - oh, by the way - it's all so we can ask Malfoy one question." Hermione is the only one who actually punched Malfoy in the face. And, let's not forget - she's the one who suggested starting the illegal Fight Club that evolved into Dumbledore's Army. Girl is a troublemaker....and that's why I love her. It takes courage to follow your heart and take actions that seem unconventional or ill-planned, even if the chances of failure are high. Fuck it. Especially if the chance of failure is high. Those are the type of people who move the story forward.

Anyway, I know I got hella ranty today. Sorry. I'm in a mood today - just annoyed at myself, I guess. Or psyching myself up to do something stupid. Or just talking to myself because it makes me feel better to get my thoughts down instead of keeping them bottled up. Even when it seems like I'm going crazy, sometimes, but - after proofreading the above rant - all my thoughts seem coherent and reasonably well-conveyed so I think we're good.

"Good Girls" Video