Well, I was supposed to be in Houston yesterday to attend a My Chemical Romance concert, a stop during their Reunion Tour. At the time I bought the tickets (which are worth every penny), I didn't know I was pregnant and I wasn't expecting COVID-19 to spiral into a worldwide pandemic that would put concerts and other large gathering on hold for more than a year. As it stands, it's very possible I might've gone into labor at the concert, so I'm super happy that it's been postponed until September 2021. By that time, I will definitely not be pregnant, Baby Brother will be old enough to be left with a babysitter, and maybe the world will be in a better place when it comes to the pandemic. That last one is probably wishful thinking but anything could happen in another year.
Gravity don't mean too much to me
I'm who I've got to be
These pigs are after me, after you
Run away like it was yesterday
And we could run away
If we could run away
Run away from here
For the past year or so, I've been reacquainting myself with My Chemical Romance's body of work. I stopped listening incessantly after "The Black Parade." Not because I didn't like the album - some of my favorite MCR songs are on it - but just because I moved to a different place in my life. As such, I'm not as familiar with their fourth concept album - "Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." It's based on a limited comic book series that Gerard Way wrote about a group of rebels living in a post-apocalyptic world. I know. It seems extremely apt for our current times. Also, just to make the MCR/Gerard Way immersion complete, I've been watching "The Umbrella Academy" on Netflix, which is also brilliant. At some point, I'll buy the graphic novel, but I'm enjoying the show so far. I'm not too far into it yet - I'm trying to save it for those late nights with Baby Brother. And another season of Sabrina is on the way, too. I've said it once and I'll say it again - this kid has timing.
Hold your heart into this darkness
Will it ever be the light to shine you out
Or fail and leave you stranded
Or are you gonna be the one left standing?
You're gonna be the one left standing
You're gonna be the one left standing
Back to the song, Gerard Way said it was about the romantic notion of leaving behind small town life for something bigger. In his words, "It's a fictional, metaphorical song really, but one about leaving home and running away – about doing whatever you can to run away." It's a song about taking your life into your own hands and not looking back. And ignoring what others say about what you should do. It takes a stance that people who listen to everyone else's shoulds and oughttas never experience true freedom. This is in line with the plot of "The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." The villain in the comics is a corporation called Better Living Industries whose goal is to "strip citizens of their individuality." And, holy shit, if that isn't a message for today, I don't know what is. Better living through consumerism, you're happier if you just do what you're told. The heroine is simply named The Girl and she has a simple choice - join the mindless masses or go her own way and inspire others to break free. If you're familiar with the cult classic, "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty, it's clear a lot of inspiration (as well as the aesthetic) was pulled from the movie.
Gravity don't mean too much to me Is this our destiny? This world is after me, after you
On a somewhat related note, I regret signing up for a baby registry. Boxes keep showing up and I'm just like, "I can do without most of this shit....what happened to trying to downsize?" For the past year, I've been trying to limit my purchases to things that truly bring me joy or are things I actually need. I've been trying to avoid not to buy too much mass-produced shit from Amazon and actively purchase items that are sustainably produced (and don't have any slave labor in their production chain, which is harder than it sounds). I fucked that up horribly by setting up a baby registry. My punishment has been trying to recycle all the boxes when they only pick up recycling once a week and trying to find places to store all the baby stuff. Apparently, I have been "nesting" according to the Internet but it comes in bursts. Some moments, I will absolutely need to clean something because it's driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else; other times, I want to clean but I'm too exhausted. I'm almost there, just a week (maybe two) more.
I fell into a Matchbox 20 hole recently which, in my book, is a pretty good hole to fall in. I'm just now realizing how much my tastes at 15-years-old were those of a 30-year-old man. Makes sense, because that's the only demographic that seemed to really matter to music execs during that time, before they realized how much money teenaged girls actually have to spend. Cue the rise (and subsequent market domination) of pop music, Taylor Swift, and every Disney Channel/Nickelodeon starlet churning out an album. Matchbox 20's 2002 album, "More Than You Think You Are," was on constant repeat in my Walkman. I listened to this album so much that my favorite songs were all scratched up and skipped horribly by the time I made the transition to an mp3 player. As I was listening to the album again, I was reminded how brilliant the songs on this album were, how vulnerable the lyrics Rob Thomas and other band members were writing during this time. Released at the height of their popularity, it's an underrated album - it wasn't as successful as their previous albums and was probably the start of their gradual decent into late 90s/early 00s playlists. But it meant something to me.
Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah
I'm in the process of reading several psychology books and watching a lot of therapy-related YouTube videos - a process commonly called "self-healing," which has become popular in spiritual communities. For good reason, of course. A lot of what holds us back is based in the pain we hold on to. The false beliefs we still don't realize are defense mechanisms and excuses for not moving forward. And dedication to protecting our core wounds rather than facing them head on to really examine where they come from. Because it hurts. I know it hurts. I'm reading this book called "Inner Bonding" by Dr. Margaret Paul. Inner Bonding is a therapy methodology she developed for her patients to work with their Inner Child. It's very closely related to the idea of reparenting, in which you become the parent you wish you had when you were actually a child. Some may write it off as hippie nonsense, but most of the work is cultivating self-compassion, self-validation, learning how to meet your own emotional needs, and listening to your inner voice. Something people with healthy levels of self-esteem and who recognize their self-worth already know how to do. Spoiler alert: There's actually not very many of those people. There's a lot of reasons for that, many of which are rooted in our culture, societal expectations, and ancestral trauma, but that's a rant for another day.
Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you
You wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind
After reading all this stuff and going through my own journey, I've found I don't really have sustained negative feelings towards others. Even people who have hurt me - I may have a flash of anger in the moment but I calm down quick, especially if I have a minute to myself. I'm able to remember who I want to be, remember that I'm interconnected with this other person, and I don't know what their struggle has been like. We only see the situation from our perspective, through our lens of hurt. The weird thing about Inner Child work is the more you focus on your own Child, you start to see other people as a reflection of their Inner Child, and it becomes easier to be a more compassionate adult. There's a common saying in the counseling community: "Hurt people hurt people." While it's often said as a warning about getting involved with others, it's also a reminder to address your own wounds first, so you don't unintentionally hurt others. It stops you from saying that clever-yet-hurtful zinger during drinks with coworker or raising your voice in anger when your child disobeys you or crossing someone's boundaries because it felt like rejection to you. Things we often do without thinking, because we're on autopilot. Mindfulness and therapy get you off autopilot and the world is a better place for it. And yes, that's a hill I'm willing to die on.
Some day they'll open up your world Shake it down on a drawing board Do their best to change you They still can't erase you
This song could be imagined from the point of view of an old boyfriend singing to a girl who has gone off to find her place in the world. I, however, have always thought of it as being sung to the girl by someone she's imagining, like an imaginary friend or perhaps her Inner Adult. I was sparked by something Dr. Paul said in her book. When we are weeping and in distress, we often long for someone to comfort us - the Ideal Partner or Perfect Parent - and are often disappointed when the person cast in that role either doesn't show up in the desired way or doesn't show up at all. She goes on to say we have to be that comfort for ourselves - we have to be willing to show up for ourselves, to say "I'm here and I won't leave you in your time of need."
So lay all your troubles down I am with you now
I like to think I'm really easy to calm down when I'm upset. All I want, all I'm looking for, is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. It seems simple, until you have to cross the ocean of human complexity. Most people aren't equipped to understand that - they are too lost in their own trauma and act in ways they don't fully understand. Often, they react out of fear - fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure. That's when the inner bonding process helps. You have to be the person who validates your experiences, who tries to soothe your pain. The person who affirms you didn't deserve to be screamed at or hit for making a small mistake; you didn't deserve to be ignored and neglected; that you have a right to your feelings and thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it might make others. I like to read the comments on the videos I watch while I listen to whatever I'm learning. Lately, it's just hard because when people share their stories, my heart goes out to them. I'm sorry someone is treating you/treated you so horribly. I'm sorry that person is your parent, your spouse, your sibling, or your friend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are loving and compassionate all the time, not when it's convenient for them. I can't tell that to everyone, but based what I'm understanding from Dr. Paul's work, I can start with myself and work outward from there.
I didn't understand it at the time but "Hand Me Down" was what I played when I needed to feel comforted. When I was feeling particularly isolated and sad, like when I found myself hiding in a closet. I don't think I pictured anyone in particular singing it to me, it was just the lyrics. It sounded like the girl Rob Thomas was singing to wanted to be an actress and, at 15-years-old, I very much related to that. I don't want to be an actress anymore - I loved it at the time and I learned so many lessons from it, but I realized pretty quickly that, even though I had the talent, I didn't have the level of passion needed to make it. And that's what you really need to pull through when you're feeling rejected and not good enough. You have to have a passion for your own dreams, your own vision of your life. And when even that's not working, there's songs like this to get you through those rough nights. I hope someone out there finds comfort in it.
In line with the moniker "Super Serious September," this month is National Suicide Awareness Month. I've discussed my own experiences in the past but that doesn't mean it's completely in my past. In fact, suicidal ideation has been a looming shadow of mine who pops up from time to time. Just to remind me he's there. From my Tea with Demons personification, he's an abnormally tall man in a suit. A little bit like Slenderman but more emo because he has the face of a sallow-skinned teenager. Like Oren, from "Parks & Rec" but with longer hair. Sometimes, he'll hang out a bit longer, peering over my shoulder, whispering things I know aren't true but in such a gentle manner, he almost sounds reasonable. Awful things like "people only like you because you let them take advantage of you" and "if you were worth the effort, others wouldn't have any issues meeting your needs." And, of course, the usual insecurities around being ugly and fat are exacerbated because I am literally carrying around a small child's worth of extra weight (which is within the recommended target for my size). The last 8 months - the last year - has been a roller coaster for me. But, strangely enough, personifying this grim figure actually makes it easier. It gives me someone to say "Fuck off" to when scary thoughts arise.
I heard that you've been
Self-medicating in the quiet of your room,
Your sweet, suburban tomb.
And if you need a friend,
I'll help you stitch up your wounds.
I heard that you've been
Having some trouble finding your place in the world.
I know how much that hurts,
But if you need a friend
Then please just say the word
Throughout my life, I've dealt with episodes of high-functioning depression. High-functioning because I continue to do well at work/school and my struggle is not obvious to others because I have a tendency to "put on a happy face." However, I'm not completely without symptoms - someone who is observant might notice I'm more quiet than usual, lose weight/eat less, and have stopped doing things that make me happy (like reading, writing, or watching movies). These episodes have become fewer and farther between, thanks to bouts of therapy and continual inner work. However, I've been plagued by prenatal depression this pregnancy and I've had moments so despondent, I had forgotten what it felt like to be that sad. It makes me worried about my impending postpartum period, because I know my mom struggled with PPD. Don't get me wrong - it's not about the baby. Although he was unexpected, he is so wanted and he's been wanted for a long time. In a way, he has been my brother-in-arms during this time, always there, a constant reminder of the good things in my life. Honestly, I've seen this time as just another depressive episode in my life, I just happen to be pregnant this time. And yes, suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind several times in the past few months - but when they do, I find it helpful to imagine how things would play out to their eventual end. Imagining the thud I would make after falling three stories or watching the 5L of blood I'm currently carrying around spreading on the floor very quickly scares the idea right out of my head. Because I know that's not what I want, no matter how bad things feel or how impossible circumstances seem right now.
My go-to response when someone asks me if I'm okay....
Throughout it all, there's been this feeling of being unable to escape. Being completely powerless to make the changes I needed to move forward, despite my best efforts. And being pregnant added to that sense of being limited and not having options. To make things worse, my main coping method - being connected to people and helping others - was severely curtailed due to the pandemic. There were no parties to plan, no projects that required me to stay late at the office, and my plan to visit my family for my son's 4th birthday were dashed. And reaching out when everyone is isolated has never been easy for me. I've gotten out of the habit of calling people "just to talk" and, to be honest, there really isn't that many people I feel comfortable doing that with anyway. It makes me feel needy and vulnerable - because I am needy and vulnerable. Despite my quiet exterior, I have a high desire for communication and deep conversation. I like the feeling of having people around me and being able to see their faces when I talk to them. Maybe this makes me a "bad goth" but I never liked the whole "Normal people scare me" and "I hate people" trend within the goth community. My standard for the goth aesthetic is Morticia and Gomez, and they fucking loved people and were unconditionally accepting of others eccentricities. That's what sets them apart from other sitcom couples. They weren't two incompatible people trying to make it work because that's what society says they have to do, but two highly compatible people who accept their authentic selves and are dedicated to supporting each other in a world that thinks they both are weird. That's the Dream, that's what we aim for. Other people are essential to our well-being and the right people can make you feel invincible, even against overwhelming odds.
Hold on tight,
This ride is a wild one,
Make no mistake,
The day will come when you can't cover up what you've done,
Now don't lose your fight, kid,
It only takes a little push to pull on through,
With so much left to do,
You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you.
"Missing You" is about how important it is for us to try to make a connection with others, even when they seem unwilling. The number one reason I often won't talk to someone about what I'm feeling is because I don't want to be a burden to them. And most people are nervous about pressing others for details, because they don't want to be intrusive, even if they suspect something is off. People with high-functioning depression are often the ones who succeed in their suicide attempts. Because the assumption is if you're able to do your job and volunteer and take care of your kids, you must be doing great. But what is usually happening is a combination of denial and feeling like you have to be strong for others. Just in case someone needs to hear it - It's okay to let someone to be strong for you, for once. Most people would be grateful for the opportunity, because your life matters to them. Some people have even been where you are and are willing to help you navigate the journey out. Ultimately, though, you have to make that decision yourself. You have to do it for yourself and no one else. Whatever you need to do to climb out of the abyss. I feel like I'm coming out of it now, but it's taken a lot of work and compassionate self-talk to get here. And I know it's been frightening for my family because suddenly, this woman they've never seen cry was crying all the time, like I couldn't control it. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe control is over-rated. Maybe it doesn't really exist at all.
Grit your teeth, pull your hair,
Paint the walls black and scream, "Fuck the world
'Cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back, "
And never for a second blame yourself.
So how do you escape the inescapable? Aside from human connection, I've found that the next step is making a choice to do something different. This is where a lot of people get tripped up, because they fear change. Or they're angry and resentful that they have to put in the effort when others don't. That's so unfair! Why can't my life just get better on it's own? Why can't others change? Why does it have to be me? Those thoughts may seem childish but we've all been there. And the answer is equally unfair. You can only change what you can control - and our sphere of influence is disappointingly small. Additionally, you can only control yourself - you can't do others work for them (and failure at trying to get others to help themselves often exacerbates our own misery). Like everything, it's about making a commitment and starting small before tackling the major stuff (like addressing trauma or making major life changes). Dr. Nicole LePera and other psychologists I've been watching recommend taking advantage of pattern interrupts. Once you're in a depression, you go into a state of inertia. You don't do self-care things - like showering, cleaning, or calling a friend, the exact things that could help them not be depressed - because even these simple things seem too overwhelming to attempt. You're in a pattern of being depressed. A pattern interrupt is exactly how it sounds - instead of continuing the pattern you've gotten into during a depressed state, you force yourself to do something else. It's often an action so small as to be meaningless. A minute of meditation. Reading a page in a book. Or, for example, if you've stopped exercising during your depressed state, maybe you interrupt your pattern by just putting on your workout clothes. That's all you have to do. Often, the act of putting on your clothes triggers the routine to continue with your work out because you've already put in effort. And even if you don't go through with the workout, that small step of progress builds confidence. When it comes to self-care, routine habits are crucial. It may not sound sexy but scheduling in time to watch your favorite movie or forcing yourself to journal for two minutes has a profound effect on your brain's chemical structure. It's these small acts of taking back control of your life that pave the way for bigger changes. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.
I've been listening to this song a lot during Virgo season. I find it comforting. The lyrics remind me of my own struggles and I especially like the bridge. "Fuck the world 'cause it's my life/I'm gonna take it back/And never for a second blame yourself." I often feel responsible for keeping others happy and checking in on them, for taking care of them. For a long time, I felt guilty when I missed a phone call from my mom or for not wanting to visit for the holidays. I'd work for hours, not taking breaks, because I wanted to prove my worth. But after spending years burning myself out trying to be there for everyone, I eventually learned the only person whose happiness I'm responsible for is my own. And if I wanted to be happy, I needed to take action myself. I'll end with the following quote by Charles Bukowski, which I very much relate to: "I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen but as the years wasted on, nothing ever did unless I caused it."
Coincidentally, Bukowski has several planets in Virgo, including his Moon.
For me, Dashboard Confessional is one of those bands whose songs all sound the same to me. This can be a good thing, if you like the music the band makes and you don't have a high requirement for novelty and variety (I do). "Hands Down," which was released officially in 2003, is probably their biggest hit and the song that got them played on mainstream radio. Most people probably can't even name another song by them. The name Dashboard Confessional brings to mind long conversations in cars with boys - and it's supposed to. Chris Carrabba grew up in Boca Raton and a lot of their music is about being a "townie" in a city that exists only because it has a beautiful beach and comes to life in the summer only to die every year when the pretty rich girls go home. Roughly around Labor Day weekend, so good timing. In his own words, Carrabba "fell in love" every summer, sometimes a half dozen times or more. Sounds like his teenage years were a lot more fun than mine.
Breathe in for luck,
Breathe in so deep,
This air is blessed,
You share with me.
This night is wild,
So calm and dull,
These hearts they race,
From self control.
Your legs are smooth,
As they graze mine,
We're doing fine,
We're doing nothing at all.
Dashboard Confessional, to me, falls into a category that I like to call "Angsty Chad" Rock - it's populated by bands like the All-American Rejects, Jimmy Eat World, Secondhand Serenade, and The Spill Canvas. Not dark enough to truly be called Emo, but not hardcore enough to be Punk (or what the 90s considered punk, at least), but also not serious enough to be Alternative Rock. It certainly flirts with that line, though. All the music sounds like it was made for a High School Movie soundtrack but it's not interesting enough to be Barenaked Ladies but also not boring enough to be Dave Matthew's Band. That's right, someone had to say it. Dave Matthews' Band sucks. You know who the Angsty Chad is - it's the regular guy who sort of fits in the popular crowd but he thinks he's different because he's also smart and sensitive. He even plays guitar, when he's not writing poems about cheerleaders. Style-wise, he's a step above the Average Dude and on-par with the Standard Chad, except less polos and pastels. Stylistically, he's closer to being a Hipster, but his clothes fit looser, like Grunge (except he clearly showers and wears a tasteful amount of Drakkar Noir). He's nowhere close to being a Metrosexual but he understands how to dress himself. He wears an undershirt/t-shirt under an open short-sleeved button down with jeans, most of the time, but - if he's feeling dangerous - he might rock a jean jacket with a detachable hood. He might even pair it with some Doc Marten's but he'll probably be wearing Converse because - let's face it - he's not that cool. Have I painted a good picture yet? You know this guy. You might've even dated this guy. And he makes semi-decent music.
My hopes are so high,
That your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
To break or bury,
Or wear as jewellery,
Whichever you prefer.
The thing I like best about "Hands Down" is the lyrics are visceral. I'm still working my way through "The Body Keeps Score" but one of the big takeaways so far is knowing that the strongest memories aren't fully narrative. They are brief images, smells, tactile feelings, emotions - which is exactly what Chris Carrabba uses to convey the experience of what he considers one of the best nights of his life. These things are fragmented in the telling but by bringing them together, they pull together a cohesive narrative - something that most people are familiar with. The anxiety of chemistry, the high of falling into love, then ending with the relief of it being reciprocated. There's this phrase that gets beaten into you in school about writing narratives - "Show, Don't Tell." And, as annoying as it is, it's the most seminal piece of advice you need to understand, not just for writing, but for any other art as well. You have to let your reader/viewer insert their own imagination and experiences in order to capture their interest and bring them into the story. The best novels, poems, movies, and song lyrics are able to do this. Most of the battle is getting your audience to feel something and any number of literary sins can be erased if you're able to engage someone to understand something deep inside. To help them discover a truth about themselves they didn't realize was there. Showing, at least in written mediums, also helps them to build the world in their head. That was sort of the purpose of describing the Angsty Chad. Hopefully, not only could you picture how he looks, but also - from the details I gave - how he smells, talks, and even behaves, because you can reference the information from your own experiences, both from real life and pop culture.
You were picturing this guy, weren't you? It's okay, you can admit it.....
The ending lyric struck me - "And you kissed me like you meant it/And I knew that you meant it/That you meant it." In particular, it brings up a scene in one of my favorite books, "Stranger in a Strange Land." In it, Valentine Michael Smith is in the process of orienting to living on Earth and he's been studying human behavior. He's fascinated by kissing, which is something the Martians didn't have an equivalent for. He practices on Gillian and she swoons, because she's never been kissed like that before. Smith kissed her as if all of his attention, all of his focus, was only on kissing her. As such, it was the most intense and passionate thing she's ever experienced. Among other things, that was a profound lesson I took away from the book and I try to remember it - not just when I'm kissing someone but also when I'm doing other things. The lyric also brought to mind this idea of knowing how someone feels about you when they kiss you, which is a trope in American pop culture, made popular by "The Shoop Shoop Song." It also got me thinking about the absurd boundary Julia Roberts' character has around kissing her clients in "Pretty Woman." She will do anything except kiss on the mouth, because it's "too intimate." And, while I agree kissing can be quite intimate depending on the partner, it seems like a inadvisable line to draw for a prostitute, especially when working for a client who essentially asked for what has been deemed "The Girlfriend Experience," in which french kissing would be considered part of the package. And we're led to believe that when she breaks this boundary with Richard Gere, that's because she's in love. It's bizarre, because we know that sexual intimacy does not require emotional intimacy and vice versa (although the lines are much more blurred for those of us who have Touch as one of our primary love languages). That being said, I do believe you can tell how someone feels about you by how they kiss you - if they seem like they're distracted or seem like they're just doing it to make you happy, that's a pretty good indicator. It's not hard to lose yourself in a kiss when you're deeply connected to someone, but it's nearly impossible to meet that intensity if you're not.
One of my favorite apps - "The Pattern" - added a new feature called Bonds in which you can explore what your hypothetical "bond" with people - both celebrities and actual friends - would be.
Not to brag but Taylor Swift and I would be close friends. Additionally, Sebastian Stan and I are highly compatible and have an "ideal relationship dynamic." It's never going to happen but it's fun to try out. I wasted one of my "bonds" on finding out our romantic compatibility - totally worth it. 10/10 would do again, only this time with Henry Cavill. On a more serious note, I have always had this deeply held belief that we are all interconnected. In fact, "Interconnectivity" was one of my Top 5 leadership strengths when I did a team-building seminar as Treasurer of my university's Residence Hall Association. It doesn't surprise me that I'd have a strong theoretical bond with T-Swift because I can feel that deep understanding when I listen to her music. We might not be friends IRL but her artistic presence is obviously important in my life. I don't need to know or have anything more than that. I think we instinctively know what's for us and what's not - including people and the roles they are supposed to fill in our lives - the problem is we ignore that intuition because of trends or societal norms or some misguided vision of what we're supposed to be/do/think. I have more thoughts on this but - to avoid every post from becoming a rant on spirituality, intuition, purpose, and "The Great Work," it's best I end here.
Post note: I've been meaning to publish this for days but I've been too exhausted to do the usual "finishing touches." For Labor Day weekend, I intended to clean up the house to prepare for Baby [Name Redacted] - not nesting, just super aware of what needs to be done before I have the baby, which may be a week early if my OB and I decide a repeat C-section is in my best interest (unfortunately, 39 weeks falls exactly on the day that Saturn conjunct Pluto is square Mars...nice timing, Doc). I ended up sleeping most of the day on Monday, which I hate doing. As a rule, I hate sleeping more than the recommended 7-8 hours a night, because I like being awake. Unfortunately, I've had the worst insomnia/sleep of my life this week and yesterday, I was at the point where I was so exhausted, I was shaking. The only time I've been that tired is right after I had my first child. After another sleepless night, I decided to take this morning off to rest - I'd like to say it helped but I know it's just a temporary fix. I know I'm doing too much but I can't help it - someone has to do these things. My body is just hitting a wall that I have to push through - trying to remember the old adage that it doesn't matter how slow you go, the point is to keep going. Just one more month.
This song has been heavy on my "On Repeat" list in recent weeks. I found it at the beginning of July, when it played in the mix I was listening to, which was heavy on country and southern gothic tunes. I bought these things called Belly Buds to pipe music into my stomach for the baby to listen to. Unlike Ronin, who went crazy any time he heard Guns N' Roses' "Paradise City," this next kid has more refined tastes. He prefers classical music and folk rock (which I like to refer to as "country music for liberals"). As such, I've ventured pretty deeply into those genres lately.
Whenever I think I've heard everything by Taylor Swift and know all her best songs, something new pops up that sets me in awe of her talent all over again. "Better Man" was written for her 2012 album, "Red," which is a brilliant album and even more impressive given the fact that these were songs she wrote when she was fucking 22 years old! Girl has some major life experience points going on. Some of my favorites are on that album, including "Everything Has Changed" and "Begin Again." I'm going to stop myself before I go into a full-on fangirl spiral. Anyway, "Red" marked the start of Swift's transition from country to a more pop sound. "Better Man" definitely falls closer to the country end of that spectrum - perhaps more country than her producers were aiming for on that album - so it was scrapped from the final release. But it's too amazing a song to just be thrown in a drawer and forgotten by the annals of music history. She decided to pass it on to another country band, Little Big Town, which was a good choice. I didn't notice the name on the artist, only that the song art had Taylor's picture on it, so for the first dozen listens, I thought she was the one who was singing. The singer for Little Big Town does sound a lot like Taylor but after a close listen, Swift sings this song in a slightly higher register and she's more emotive with her performance. Little Big Town's interpretation is a lot smoother.
What hooked me was the lyrics to the first verse of the song:
I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t 4am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it
I know the bravest thing I ever did was run
The last line struck me, because I completely understand it. I have a hard time leaving people behind, especially when I really care about them. I'm one of those people who gives a million chances, will stay no matter how bad things get. Often it's because I think "running" is giving up and - even worse - the cowardly thing to do. However, when you're used to sacrificing your own needs for the others, running away is the harder choice. The scarier choice. The more painful choice. Because the reason you play the martyr is because you don't want to hurt anyone, so you choose to hurt yourself instead - martyrdom has become the "comfort zone," as twisted as that sounds. The second verse is kind of unique to Taylor, as she has a penchant for douchy assholes, but the sentiment is sincere. Especially when you're a hopeless romantic type, your vision of love is often tied up in being able to withstand the hard times. Unfortunately, societal norms have warped "withstanding the hard times" with tolerating poor treatment. I find it ironic because people will look at survivors of domestic violence and ask "why did he/she stay so long" but then turn around and judge people who get divorced from a functioning but otherwise unhappy and unfulfilling situation. As if it's obvious from the start (it usually isn't - people jump into things with their whole hearts at first). Society is batshit crazy, which is why I think there has been such a massive return to relying on intuition. The rules of the matrix are fucked, so we have to return to organic systems, to nature. Which leads me into today's real rant.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man
Tonight is the Full Moon in Pisces, opposite the Sun in Virgo. In general, this is supposed to be an uplifting Full Moon because the Moon is comfortable in Pisces, but it comes with a mixed bag of aspects and other less pleasant planetary interactions. This Full Moon falls on the Virgo-Pisces axis, which can best be described as Order vs Chaos. But remember - opposite signs are trying to do similar things, just using different methodologies. Virgo is the sign of Service - specifically, Service to Others. Virgo energy wants to be useful and helpful, and often pursues these desires through very Earth-centric and Mercurial traits - being organized, detail-oriented, risk-averse, dependable, communicative, and practical. Pisces is about Service, too, but a very different kind of service - Pisces is about fulfilling our divine purpose and uncovering the hidden mysteries of life. In order to be successful in that sort of service, Virgo methods will undoubtedly fall short in some ways. Pisces relies heavily on intuition, following the flow, and listening to the signs the Universe sends us, as well as our hearts, which guide us toward that divine purpose. Yes, Pisces gets a reputation as being kind of the space cadet of the zodiac, but they also tend to understand the deeper meaning in our dreams and secret desires. Both signs have a tendency to become self-sacrificing if they are out of balance. Keeping that in mind, the modern ruler of this Full Moon, Neptune, is making a loose T-square to the North (Gemini) and South (Sagittarius) Nodes. This aspect causes tension and the tension between this placements is that we're stuck trying to figure out if our dreams can be manifested by staying in the Past (old habits/behaviors/situations) or taking a leap of faith into the Future (new habits/behaviors/opportunities). We look to other aspects and planets to find out what we're being guided to in regards to this lunation. In particular, Uranus - planet of change - is making some really beneficial aspects, being sextile the Moon and trine the Sun, which favors going in a different direction, especially if your old methods have lost their effectiveness.
That was the good part of this Full Moon, but there's difficult aspects that may indicate where trouble may be looming. Venus is opposite Saturn and square Mars. And Mars is coming off an exact square with Saturn. These are challenging aspects for love, relationships, passion, and finances - lots of restrictions and, with Mars beginning to station retrograde, a huge slow down to any progress being made in these areas. The one bright spot here is that Mercury is in one of its domiciles - Virgo. Communication might be the key to unlocking - or, at least, surviving - these difficult transits. Regardless, we're processing some grief at this time. The Full Moon eases this tension somewhat with a spotlight on our favorite spiritual enigma - Surrender. Pisces, being the sign of spirituality, reminds us to let go of what we cannot control. And, unfortunately, we cannot control the future or even the outcomes of our actions. We can do as much as we can to point the arrow in the right direction but once it's released, Spirit controls its path. Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be. And whatever comes next will hopefully be good. Doubtful as we head into what The Astrology Podcast nicknamed "Super Serious September" but I'm open to it. That's a benefit to having a lot of water and fire energy in your chart, especially when combined with influential placements in a mutable modality. Works well with chaos and uncertainty - I should put that on my resume. Even with astrology, it's often a game of hindsight is 20/20 and even when we account for all the variables - and there's numerous variables that I haven't even discovered yet - a certain amount of guessing is needed for disciplines like predictive and electional astrology. And when doing natal chart readings, it helps to do them face-to-face because things you never considered before when looking at the data will pop out when you encounter the living, breathing representation of a moment in divine creation. That's what makes it so fascinating - life is the proverbial "box of chocolates," although you can usually figure out what you're going to get if you fucking read the chart on the inside of the lid. Just an observation.
COVID-19 Update: Trying to get enough rest lately has been a challenge. Between work, planning for the baby, racing thoughts, and being in a constant state of discomfort, insomnia is pretty much inevitable, no matter how much I meditate. I'm taking a page from Sarah Bernhardt's book and trying to get 10-15 minutes of sleep when fatigue hits me. That usually does the trick. My older sister is throwing me a virtual baby shower. She's trying to get my younger sister involved but that's not the easiest task - please be aware that being a Virgo does not automatically mean you're organized and efficient. It is a mutable placement, after all, which can have a very unfocused energy when not harnessed correctly. I'm sure it's no picnic for her either. Can you imagine being a Mutable sign with two Cardinal sisters? So much bossiness! And Cancer and Libra are considered the "softer" Cardinal signs? Yeah, there's no such thing - we just have better people skills.
Little Big Town had an official video for this song, so I'm sharing that as well as Taylor Swift's performance at the Bluebird Cafe. A little vocal compare and contrast - and Swift is so endearing and genuine, it makes me smile when she performs for her fans. As is custom, I'm scheduling this post to publish at the exact time of the Full Moon. Happy September!
Spotify has this feature where it will take all the songs you listen to most often (within the last couple months or so, depending on how long you've been using Spotify) and put them into a personalized playlist named "On Repeat." Over the next few posts, I've decided to share a few songs that have recently landed on my "On Repeat" playlist. Some of them are new discoveries, some of them are forgotten gems, and probably too many of them are mid-90s to early-00s classics. Also, I'm very aware that this blog has been heavy on female-fronted music lately and this will add a lot more vocal/genre diversity.
"Barely Breathing" was released in 1996. It's about a guy who is starting to realize his girlfriend's emotional outbursts are manipulative. Her excessive emotionality is not actually the love he's wanting from her. She's using her tears - or more specifically, his empathy - to get what she wants out of him without actually reciprocating his feelings or meeting his needs in the relationship. Obviously, he cares for her but he's catching on that it's not as mutual as she says it is. In the lyrics to "Barely Breathing," it sounds like he's decided to walk away. And maybe he's done this in the past and he's gone back to her after she offered an empty apology, a lot of tears and excuses, and maybe even some sex. But this time, he knows she's not going to change and, if he gives in, he's just going to be in this same situation again. And when you're having the same conversations over and over again with someone, guess what? You're stuck in a pattern. And, at some level, they know you'll settle for whatever they're willing to give because you're more invested than they are. A second chance is okay. You might even be able to justify a third chance. But anything more than that is self-betrayal.
I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears
You really had me goin'
Wishin' on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion
You were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye
I follow Dr. Nicole LePera and watch a lot of her videos. She says that compromising on our needs and settling for a situation that makes us unhappy is self-betrayal. What Sheik's girlfriend is probably doing is called "breadcrumbing" and it's a common behavior in toxic relationships. Essentially, she's doing just enough so he won't leave, but she has no interest in doing any more than that. And that's fine but they probably shouldn't be in a relationship if she's not at least willing to try to meet his minimum needs and vice versa. People get stuck in these relationship patterns out of subconscious fears. In the past, Sheik probably accepted how she treated him because he had a misguided belief that what he wanted in a relationship was "too much" and was afraid asking her to meet his needs would result in her leaving him. With the right person/people, you won't be afraid of asking for what you want and they won't make you feel like you're asking for too much. If you ask them to change their behavior, they will. And not just for a couple of weeks or months - they'll make a conscious effort to meet your needs and respect your boundaries for the long term. And that's what reciprocity and mutual affection looks like.
'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
And worth the price, the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm one of those people for whom emotional pleas are super effective. I can't stand it when I see someone crying, I feel compelled to try and help. Or at least listen. My upbringing has resulted in me being hypersensitive to emotional cues and, in some cases, I'm even over reactive to them. My default assumption when someone close isn't talking to me is that they're angry with me (a remnant of liberal neglect, withholding affection, and the silent treatment). However, on the plus side, it has turned me into a human lie detector. Maybe it's made me a bit cynical but I think tears that come out during conflict are manipulative. Some people have learned to use them as weapons (and, not to be sexist but in my experience, most of them are women). And the tears always come out when you're trying to hold them accountable for their bad behavior and poor treatment of you. Sheik brings this up in the lyrics - "I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears" - he knows there's nothing real behind them. Purely mechanical. They are always accompanied by a lot of excuses, but no real apologies or acceptance of responsibility. They play the victim - "Oh, I was feeling some sort of way so I took it out on you." You assume they feel bad because they're crying but they just feel bad because you're not letting them get away with things. The tears are a distraction to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. But actions speak louder than words and the best apology is changed behavior. What they do after you talk to them matters more than any tearful promises they make in the moment.
But Duncan Sheik is human and he has a heart. He knows he probably shouldn't go into this situation again, especially now that he can see the pattern. But he cares about this person - maybe even loves her - so he's "thinking it over anyway." He shouldn't. Based on the rest of the lyrics, he knows what he should do. Sticking around when someone is hurting you isn't love - it's codependency. He's the one who is "barely breathing," which shows that - in these situations - walking away hurts you more than it hurts them, no matter how emotional they seem to be. And that's ultimately what this song is about.
::WARNING:: There are spoilers to the end of "Community" in this post. And a lot of spoilers to other parts of the show, for explanatory purposes. I know the show ended in like 2012 but I'm sure there are plenty of people - like myself - who weren't able to finish the show until it popped up on Netflix at the beginning of quarantine. If you don't like spoilers, I recommend not reading any more. ::END::
It's been a month and I've finally fully emotionally processed the end of "Community." Yes, the Annie and Jeff story line was resolved. No, it's not the happy ending you'd expect, but it's the happy ending that seems the most realistic. It was satisfying, in a way, because the ultimate question was answered and that is - were the writer's just playing with our emotions? Was this just a fun side story for them to poke at once in a while for jokes? No, my friends, it wasn't and they weren't. It was real. And, much like life, we just have to accept that it's closure even though it doesn't fully feel like it.
The infuriating thing about Annie and Jeff's relationship is the attraction is made obvious about mid-way through Season 1. This happens in many shows and it's a common trope that often precludes the demise of a show - i.e., if the two characters get together, you kill the sexual tension that keeps the audience watching. Rarely is there a story-relevant purpose for keeping the characters apart other than this. However, as we've discussed, "Community" is all about Jeff's psychological evolution from being a self-centered loner who fears intimacy to being a (somewhat) healthy individual with a network of close friends. His choice not to pursue Annie is, ironically, the most unselfish thing he does on the show. From the beginning, Jeff's penchant of hitting on women with no consideration of the consequences is apparent. But after their kiss in the Season 1 finale, he puts Annie in a box labeled "Do Not Touch" and it's not always clear why. Yes, the age thing is an issue but it gets considerably less cringy as the show goes on. And, as we get to know Jeff, we realize that age wouldn't have been an issue for him if he didn't have genuine feelings for Annie. And we know it's not the friend thing, because he has no problem having sex with Britta and then going back to their same dynamic the rest of the time. In fact, their ability to just end their sexual relationship without either of them having lingering feelings demonstrates how little emotional connection they have. Meanwhile, a kiss with Annie - a supposedly meaningless kiss to win a debate competition - throws his inner world into chaos for the next 5 seasons (although he's good at hiding it). Ironically, his attempts to not accept and deal with his feelings is what makes the situation even harder for him, whereas Annie's ability to accept how she feels and surrender her attachment to the outcome - a common subplot for her in several episodes - is what allows her to move on.
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
"Gravity" is featured in one of the final episodes of Season 2, when Britta and Jeff's friends-with-benefits situation is revealed to the rest of the group. To understand this, let's revisit the final episodes of Season 1 - during the chaos of a heated paintball battle, Jeff and Britta have sex. Then, during the final dance of the school year, Britta announces that she loves Jeff in front of everyone, which leads the teacher who recently dumped him to also declare her love for him. This leaves Jeff in a pretty awkward situation - caught between two women who supposedly "love" him asking for him to make a choice in front of the entire school. Jeff walks out and runs into Annie, who has decided she is not going to move away with her boyfriend after all, because she doesn't want to leave her life and friends at Greendale behind yet. This results in Jeff and Annie sharing a passionate kiss - and that's how the season finale ends. When they both return to school the next year, he tells her it didn't mean anything. Fast forward to the end of Season 2, after learning about Jeff and Britta, she asks, "What about us?" Jeff is understandably confused, which leads to a montage of tender moments between the two of them set to "Gravity." The connection is palpable but Jeff says you can do the same thing with any two characters (Abed and Pierce is the example). Since "Community" uses TV tropes to tell stories, the show does another montage - and it sort of works but is mostly ridiculous, which underscores the level of denial Jeff is in. This denial continues throughout the next few seasons and we almost believe it most of the time. In fact, Annie is the one who comes off a little bit childish and delusional at times. After some growing up and uncomfortable situations, Annie comes to the conclusion maybe she was just imagining that Jeff had romantic feelings for her and gradually begins to move on with her life.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
This triggers a minor mental breakdown for Jeff. In one episode towards the end of the series, he ends up in the hospital after drinking almost a whole bottle of whiskey on his 40th birthday. To be honest the last few seasons are a lot more serious and thought-provoking, with less of the ridiculous antics that "Community" was initially known for. This was a natural evolution of character development on a show whose initial premise - a group of random strangers forming a study group at a community college - became less realistic as the characters grew older. Some had a somewhat logical path to staying in that environment - Jeff starts teaching pre-law basics after he graduates. Others had a less compelling reason to stay, triggering Jeff's fear of abandonment, even though it made sense for the others to take different paths. The final episode addresses this directly. Abed, whose schtick is breaking the fourth wall and acting as if they were in a TV show ("so meta"), explains that it was inevitable the show would fall apart. The cast takes turns imagining what the next "season" would be like, assuming they all stayed. Jeff starts to panic as Abed's wisdom takes hold and reality sets in. He runs to their favorite study room and he imagines the future he actually wants - and to his surprise, it's domestic bliss with Annie. Fantasy Annie asks him if that's what he really wants and he says "yes" but then he realizes he's not sure if it's what Annie wants. In the final scene, Annie walks in on Jeff and they talk about what they want - and what they want, though vague, makes sense. Annie wants to be a grown up and Jeff wishes he had a second chance to be young. What's clear in this scene is they both still have strong feelings for each other but Jeff accepts that - even if Annie still wanted a life with Jeff - she deserves a chance to explore other possible futures. To do that, she needs to follow through with her internship at the FBI. They share one final passionate kiss before they are joined by the rest of the ensemble.
And that, my friends, is how Jeff Winger grew a heart. The lesson here is harsh. There is such a thing as true love - but sometimes the timing isn't right. And sometimes, indulging in the fantasy of "happily ever after" isn't the best thing for the two characters involved. And I must say I agree with Dan Harmon's (the show creator) assessment of how the final episode dealt with Annie and Jeff: "I'm comfortable with the realization that he's genuinely in love with her, but that's a separate thing from whether that's actually good for her." The age gap gets more palatable by the end of the series but that doesn't distract from the fact that these two characters are in completely different parts of their lives, a fact underscored by their last conversation alone. Ultimately, Annie goes on with her life but what happens next is open-ended. Since we haven't gotten the #andamovie yet, anything is possible. Maybe Annie and Jeff do end up together when she returns from her internship. Or maybe they both move on to healthy partnerships while maintaining their friendship. We might never know, but at least the ending we've been given allows both characters a path to happiness.
Set me free, leave me be I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity Here I am, and I stand So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be But you're on to me and all over me
Side tangent: While I always thought I was more of an Annie, it's become increasingly clear I also have a heavy dose of Abed in my personality, too. It's not even an equal split - I'd say, if I'm really being honest with myself, I'm about 59% Abed, 41% Annie. Lately, I'll reply the affirmative to people with the following - "Cool. Cool, cool, cool." - and I'm honestly not sure if I did that before I started watching "Community" or if that's something I picked up from the show. The fact that no one has noticed makes me think I definitely spoke like that before. One of my team member's wives thought I was blonde before meeting me - seriously, the first thing she said to me was, "Oh - I thought you were blonde, based on what [her husband] told me about you." Which makes me wonder - what the hell did he tell her about me? Probably that I'm a spaz and that my four-dollar words are peppered between "like" and "totally." I talk like Cher Horowitz in "Clueless" and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Also, I may have been caught one-too-many times demonstrating the "Party All the Time" dance. Once. I've been caught once....at work....and it wasn't one of my finest moments.
Anyway, on "Community," I would say Abed is probably my favorite character. He's autistic and he filters his world through the lens of a filmmaker and he relates a lot of the situations to things he's seen in TV shows and movies in order to make sense of his world. And, although I'm not autistic, I deeply understand and appreciate the value of that perspective, because it's one I share with Abed. It's one of the reasons I love hearing about other people's experiences and I believe you can learn a lot about a person through the films, shows, books, and music they choose to consume - and more importantly, the "why" behind their choices. And although movies, TV shows, and novels are fiction, they are loosely based on real human experiences. Maybe someone hasn't had the exact same experience as portrayed in a story, but it's close enough that they can find meaning and learn something about their own lives and behaviors as a result. Or, at least, this is the goal of good storytelling and - through extension - good acting. I have always believed that acting is the Art of Being Human and, in order to be a great actor, you have to be a highly empathetic person. I think the same thing is true of being a great writer. Both actors and writers have to imagine what it's like to be other people, even if those other people are completely different from them. And if you're able to imagine how other people are thinking and feeling, you're able to show compassion on a deeper level - both for others and yourself. This is also why diverse representation is important in media - seeing how others backgrounds influence their behavior gives the reader/viewer an opportunity to emphathize and understand another's perspective. It is through processing his life through his understanding of pop culture that Abed is able to grow as an individual and develop intimate connections that might've been otherwise hindered due to being non-neurotypical. It's important to know he doesn't always get it right but in those instances where he gets it wrong, he has a support network of compassionate people who are willing to guide him in the right direction. Not everyone has that and we know that makes a world of difference when people are navigating their life.
I know this has been a long post but apparently, I'm just throwing up on a blank screen now. It may surprise you to know this isn't even a fraction of the things I've been pondering lately - but I'm saving those thoughts for my next project. This song is thoughtful and, though simple and muted, evokes a pensive response. Which is why I imagine it was chosen for this episode of "Community." To me, it really embodies the 8 of Swords energy - she feels trapped but it's entirely within her power to escape the situation....if she wanted to. Just another fun idea I had - mapping the Tarot to a playlist of songs. Even typing it sounds like fire. BTW I find "Gravity" to be an excellent karaoke song - we have the same range and similar vocal quality and style, so I can usually sing Sara Bareilles songs fairly decent. She has what we would call a "straight" singing voice, which means she doesn't have a natural vibrato when she sings. It works well for most Big Band and Broadway musical styles. A vibrato singing style tends to be more common in opera and R&B. Most pop singers don't really develop a vibrato but for those that do, it gives a unique quality to their music. I'm just rambling now so, please, enjoy the video below for "Gravity."
