I heard that you've been
Self-medicating in the quiet of your room,
Your sweet, suburban tomb.
And if you need a friend,
I'll help you stitch up your wounds.
I heard that you've been
Having some trouble finding your place in the world.
I know how much that hurts,
But if you need a friend
Then please just say the word
Throughout my life, I've dealt with episodes of high-functioning depression. High-functioning because I continue to do well at work/school and my struggle is not obvious to others because I have a tendency to "put on a happy face." However, I'm not completely without symptoms - someone who is observant might notice I'm more quiet than usual, lose weight/eat less, and have stopped doing things that make me happy (like reading, writing, or watching movies). These episodes have become fewer and farther between, thanks to bouts of therapy and continual inner work. However, I've been plagued by prenatal depression this pregnancy and I've had moments so despondent, I had forgotten what it felt like to be that sad. It makes me worried about my impending postpartum period, because I know my mom struggled with PPD. Don't get me wrong - it's not about the baby. Although he was unexpected, he is so wanted and he's been wanted for a long time. In a way, he has been my brother-in-arms during this time, always there, a constant reminder of the good things in my life. Honestly, I've seen this time as just another depressive episode in my life, I just happen to be pregnant this time. And yes, suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind several times in the past few months - but when they do, I find it helpful to imagine how things would play out to their eventual end. Imagining the thud I would make after falling three stories or watching the 5L of blood I'm currently carrying around spreading on the floor very quickly scares the idea right out of my head. Because I know that's not what I want, no matter how bad things feel or how impossible circumstances seem right now.
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| My go-to response when someone asks me if I'm okay.... |
Throughout it all, there's been this feeling of being unable to escape. Being completely powerless to make the changes I needed to move forward, despite my best efforts. And being pregnant added to that sense of being limited and not having options. To make things worse, my main coping method - being connected to people and helping others - was severely curtailed due to the pandemic. There were no parties to plan, no projects that required me to stay late at the office, and my plan to visit my family for my son's 4th birthday were dashed. And reaching out when everyone is isolated has never been easy for me. I've gotten out of the habit of calling people "just to talk" and, to be honest, there really isn't that many people I feel comfortable doing that with anyway. It makes me feel needy and vulnerable - because I am needy and vulnerable. Despite my quiet exterior, I have a high desire for communication and deep conversation. I like the feeling of having people around me and being able to see their faces when I talk to them. Maybe this makes me a "bad goth" but I never liked the whole "Normal people scare me" and "I hate people" trend within the goth community. My standard for the goth aesthetic is Morticia and Gomez, and they fucking loved people and were unconditionally accepting of others eccentricities. That's what sets them apart from other sitcom couples. They weren't two incompatible people trying to make it work because that's what society says they have to do, but two highly compatible people who accept their authentic selves and are dedicated to supporting each other in a world that thinks they both are weird. That's the Dream, that's what we aim for. Other people are essential to our well-being and the right people can make you feel invincible, even against overwhelming odds.
Hold on tight,
This ride is a wild one,
Make no mistake,
The day will come when you can't cover up what you've done,
Now don't lose your fight, kid,
It only takes a little push to pull on through,
With so much left to do,
You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you.
"Missing You" is about how important it is for us to try to make a connection with others, even when they seem unwilling. The number one reason I often won't talk to someone about what I'm feeling is because I don't want to be a burden to them. And most people are nervous about pressing others for details, because they don't want to be intrusive, even if they suspect something is off. People with high-functioning depression are often the ones who succeed in their suicide attempts. Because the assumption is if you're able to do your job and volunteer and take care of your kids, you must be doing great. But what is usually happening is a combination of denial and feeling like you have to be strong for others. Just in case someone needs to hear it - It's okay to let someone to be strong for you, for once. Most people would be grateful for the opportunity, because your life matters to them. Some people have even been where you are and are willing to help you navigate the journey out. Ultimately, though, you have to make that decision yourself. You have to do it for yourself and no one else. Whatever you need to do to climb out of the abyss. I feel like I'm coming out of it now, but it's taken a lot of work and compassionate self-talk to get here. And I know it's been frightening for my family because suddenly, this woman they've never seen cry was crying all the time, like I couldn't control it. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe control is over-rated. Maybe it doesn't really exist at all.
Grit your teeth, pull your hair,
Paint the walls black and scream, "Fuck the world
'Cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back, "
And never for a second blame yourself.
So how do you escape the inescapable? Aside from human connection, I've found that the next step is making a choice to do something different. This is where a lot of people get tripped up, because they fear change. Or they're angry and resentful that they have to put in the effort when others don't. That's so unfair! Why can't my life just get better on it's own? Why can't others change? Why does it have to be me? Those thoughts may seem childish but we've all been there. And the answer is equally unfair. You can only change what you can control - and our sphere of influence is disappointingly small. Additionally, you can only control yourself - you can't do others work for them (and failure at trying to get others to help themselves often exacerbates our own misery). Like everything, it's about making a commitment and starting small before tackling the major stuff (like addressing trauma or making major life changes). Dr. Nicole LePera and other psychologists I've been watching recommend taking advantage of pattern interrupts. Once you're in a depression, you go into a state of inertia. You don't do self-care things - like showering, cleaning, or calling a friend, the exact things that could help them not be depressed - because even these simple things seem too overwhelming to attempt. You're in a pattern of being depressed. A pattern interrupt is exactly how it sounds - instead of continuing the pattern you've gotten into during a depressed state, you force yourself to do something else. It's often an action so small as to be meaningless. A minute of meditation. Reading a page in a book. Or, for example, if you've stopped exercising during your depressed state, maybe you interrupt your pattern by just putting on your workout clothes. That's all you have to do. Often, the act of putting on your clothes triggers the routine to continue with your work out because you've already put in effort. And even if you don't go through with the workout, that small step of progress builds confidence. When it comes to self-care, routine habits are crucial. It may not sound sexy but scheduling in time to watch your favorite movie or forcing yourself to journal for two minutes has a profound effect on your brain's chemical structure. It's these small acts of taking back control of your life that pave the way for bigger changes. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.
I've been listening to this song a lot during Virgo season. I find it comforting. The lyrics remind me of my own struggles and I especially like the bridge. "Fuck the world 'cause it's my life/I'm gonna take it back/And never for a second blame yourself." I often feel responsible for keeping others happy and checking in on them, for taking care of them. For a long time, I felt guilty when I missed a phone call from my mom or for not wanting to visit for the holidays. I'd work for hours, not taking breaks, because I wanted to prove my worth. But after spending years burning myself out trying to be there for everyone, I eventually learned the only person whose happiness I'm responsible for is my own. And if I wanted to be happy, I needed to take action myself. I'll end with the following quote by Charles Bukowski, which I very much relate to: "I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen but as the years wasted on, nothing ever did unless I caused it."
Coincidentally, Bukowski has several planets in Virgo, including his Moon.
"Missing You" Video
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