Hypernormalisation ("The Suburbs" by Arcade Fire)

This was one of the songs I picked early on for my 2025 playlist. I'm not sure why, but it felt like it fit, and as the year dragged on, it became even more apt to describe the current American landscape. I don't think I've ever featured it...I think I've maybe written on a cover, but never the original. But it seems to strike the right note of...what's the word? Nostalgia? Sort of. Melancholy? A bit. Disillusionment? Bingo.

You always seemed so sure

That one day we'd be fighting

In a suburban war

Your part of town against mine

I saw you standing on the opposite shore

But by the time the first bombs fell

We were already bored

We were already, already bored

Life in 2025 was....weird. And yet, it was also strangely mundane. The images in the news and the descriptions of current events on podcasts were far removed from the everyday happenings of my perfectly curated community. The disparity was - and is - unsettling. Intellectually, I know these things are happening. I know there was a ridiculous (and extralegal) black ops-style raid on an apartment building in Chicago, where children were separated from the parents and zip-tied in the freezing cold. I know people are being kidnapped off the street, outside of churches and schools. Indiscriminately. To include US citizens. I know millions of people are going to be unable to afford health insurance next year. I know there was a totally pointless 43-day government shutdown. I know there's disturbing images and documents being released from the Epstein investigation, the implications of which are stomach-turning. And yet, despite the fragility of current circumstances, it feels as if we're just going to continue on forever in this Black Mirror version of reality. 

Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling
Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling again

The term hypernormalisation was created by Alexei Yurchak to describe what life was like in the Soviet Union in the decade prior to the collapse. Everyone knew the system was failing but they couldn't imagine a society different from the one they had - they couldn't dream of a different alternative - so everyone just pretended everything was working as it should. Blatant corruption and abject poverty became the norm, and people just accepted it. This is a common reaction - in 1930s Germany, during the rise of Nazism, things didn't change much in the beginning. In his book, "They Thought They Were Free," Milton Sanford Mayer describes how incremental changes caught non-Nazi Germans unaware. A law here, a speech there - it was all very subtle. Until it wasn't. The idea - more like a naive hope - that ignoring a problem makes it go away is enticing. It requires a lot less work and individual courage. In reality, it just allows the problem to become more insidious. Mostly because at some point, they try to paint these ideas as reasonable. It's all semantics and window dressing. They twist definitions and make unrelated things synonymous. They co-opt pop culture and previously noble policy crusades for their own purposes. I don't think anyone would disagree with making America healthy again but when a distinguished cardiologist who made his fortune off peddling contemporary snake oil (Dr. Oz) tells the working class to throw out centuries of medical progress, that's just another grift. 

Kids wanna be so hard

But in my dreams we're still screamin' and runnin' through the yard

And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall

And all of the houses they built in the seventies finally fall

Meant nothin' at all

Meant nothin' at all

It meant nothin

At the tail end of 2024, I listened to the audiobook of "Conspirituality: How New Age Conspiracy Theories Became a Health Threat." There's been this notable progression of really famous pagan and New Age spiritualists becoming born-again Christians. One of the most famous in recent history is Doreen Virtue, who made her fortune off creating tarot and oracle card decks, as well as dozens of books on New Age subjects. In 2017, she declared her previous New Age beliefs were "demonic" and started marketing herself as a fundamentalist Christian. Coincidentally (or maybe not), this was around the time that pagan practices and witchcraft/occult books became extremely popular and common (i.e., more competition in the market). "Conspirituality" explains how the COVID epidemic resulted in a lot of historically more liberal communities (like yoga, New Age, and alternative medicine) taking a hard right turn in recent years. Having floated in these spaces since the home computer became a thing, I've always noticed it but it never alarmed me as much as it has in recent years. Mostly because it doesn't make sense from my perspective. There is a difference between choosing to believe and participating in a belief system, and then there's throwing out critical thinking entirely. I'm not sure everyone knows where that line is. And I think, as a rule, we expect others we run into within the witchcraft/pagan community to be a little weird (in a good way) and, in an attempt to be welcoming and inclusive, we don't always notice when maybe the weirdness comes from someplace unhealthy.

Sometimes I can't believe it

I'm movin' past the feeling

Sometimes I can't believe it

I'm movin' past the feeling and into the night

There's one last disturbing trend I'd like to call attention to and I'll leave 2025 willingly. Trad wives. And it's not the aesthetic - the aesthetic is quite lovely, which is why it's so popular. It's the malignant undercurrent of misogyny fueling it. And even more infuriating - it's a lie! When you look at the most popular "trad wife" accounts, like Ballerina Farms or Nara Smith, these women are working mothers and (in many cases) the breadwinners for their family. The only difference between them and myself is they have a camera rolling while they do their chores (and they can hire a nanny to mind the children while they cook dinner from scratch). So, we have wealthy, Ivy-league educated business-women telling less privileged young girls to forego an education and a career while they themselves are building up their own safety net. And what naturally follows is a parade of articles of divorced single mothers in their late 30s saying they were wrong about the "trad wife life." It is just the most disgusting scam I've ever seen. I appreciate stay-at-home parents - my own career success has been possible due to having a stay-at-home parent - but this is not what these women are. They cosplay a cottage-core fantasy and peddle nonsense about feminine virtue and living a "soft life" while raking in millions from women who will never attain the level of financial freedom needed to acquire a homestead of their own. They are grifters, they are con-men, just like everyone else on TV.

So can you understand

Why I want a daughter while I'm still young?

I wanna hold her hand

And show her some beauty

Before all this damage is done

But if it's too much to ask, if it's too much to ask

Then send me a son

"The Suburbs" came out in 2010 but I had never seen the music video until this year. The music video, which I thought was disturbing 2025, was probably even more so back then. The music video is made up of clips from the Spike Jonze short film inspired by the album, "Scenes from the Suburbs." The central focus is on a group of teenagers, having fun and doing normal teenager shenanigans. Then, the narrative pulls back and we realize they are in the middle of said suburban war. People are being taken from their homes in the middle of the night, there's gunfire and men in uniform around every corner, a barrier with barbed wire divides the neighborhood. In one scene, Black Hawk helicopter hovers over the city. And these kids are just....living through it. Until one of them is forced into the ranks of the soldiers. It ends with him beating up his friend for some reason. It's a metaphor for the angst of having to grow up....I think. I'm going to be honest - some of the images in this film from 15 years ago feel all to real now.

In my dreams we're still screamin'

We're still screamin'

We're still screamin'

None of this is normal. 

"The Suburbs" Music Video

Press Pause ("Dying Star" by Ashnikko, feat. Ethel Cain)

This year has been exhausting but this last month has taken it to a new level. I've been going through the past several weeks - months - like a zombie, soul-weary and tired. I'm grateful this year is over, not because I think next year will better (on a grand scale, I don't think it will be), but because it means I've survived it. I realize not everyone can say the same. Here at the end of 2025, I'm treading water among the wreckage. I found a door to float on but the turbulence beneath the waves threatens to pull me under. One wrong move and I'm out to sea. I'm taking time off for the next couple weeks. I'm ready for a long-awaited breath of air, where my mind is not fixed on the government or everything everyone is demanding of me from day-to-day. Centered only on what matters. One breath in, one breath out. 

The ground reaches out to catch me

Softly in her baseball mitt

I'm tired of the dirt and grit

I want something soft

I'm a fish in a bucket, thrashing

He tried to take me out, hooks in my mouth

Listen to me when I say ouch

I want something soft

I had a lot of good intentions to write this year, but the clock started and I found myself leeched of creativity. And yet, there were moments....moments when the words flowed and I could hear my characters speaking to me. Or moments when an essay started to form. Maybe only snippets, but they were alive. Their pulse beating in my veins, whispering in my brain. Write it down, Jessica. It doesn't have to mean anything but, damn it, write it down. But I was gripped with this fear. Fear that my words may ruin me. May endanger my loved ones. May be misinterpreted by those who want to misinterpret. As the year pressed on, though, the real fear presented itself. No one cares. No one cares what I shout into the void. We are in a unique, blissfully nihilistic time right now. And I still care way too much. And worse, I want others to care more about me and my hopes and dreams than they do. The real fear is I'm merely another product - another transaction - and, despite my best efforts, I'm a boring one. And even if I write some totally outrageous nonsense, who cares? I am nothing and no one. The words I write are beautifully meaningless and for myself alone. And perhaps there is freedom in that.

Oh, to be an existentialist during such an era! To be reminded daily that I am both predictable and replicable is almost to much to bear. I am painfully aware I haven't written here as much as I've wanted. Every few weeks or so, I'll check my stats on this blog knowing they should be in the gutter because I haven't posted anything new in months, and yet there's a spike every few days of thousands upon thousands of views. That's it. There it is. The machines are stealing my words. And I have nothing to show for it, because bots don't click ads (unless you tell them to). A voice cultivated over 30+ years of writing (and life) experience, able to be replicated in seconds. Is this what it feels like? To slowly lose your soul? My sentences, my expressions, my clever turns of phrase sprinkled about hundreds of plagiarized articles and essays. You can imagine how demotivating this can be. More often than not, instead of writing, I've found myself doomscrolling, despite my best efforts not to be on Instagram so much. Every once in a while, I'll stumble across a reel telling me I shouldn't be on there. That I should be reading or writing or studying or doing anything more brilliant than staring at a screen. Like Brené Brown recounting what the People in Charge talk about when they think we drones aren't listening. That they are creating a class of Consumers, while they work towards being known as Philosophers. As a ruling echelon of Thinkers. And I will break out of my stupor, screaming, "No!" No. I am one of the Thinkers. Repeat after me. I am one of the Thinkers. And I have better things to do.

Needless to say, one of my New Years resolutions is deleting Instagram and Bluesky from my phone. And deleting my Facebook, which I haven't really used in a decade and am holding onto for no reason.

So I give in to the fall, fall, fall (it's cold out here)

I need somethin' soft, down feathers over rocks

I died and I land with both of my hands

In the mud, the mud

It felt like a god, how she held me

I slept on her shoulder, I gave her my all (Is there anyone?)

I bathed in her waterfalls

And continued to fall, fall (I'm entering the exosphere)

Astrology, at its core, is a meaning-making system. Like the alchemists and ancient Hellenistic philosophers who came before me, I embrace astrology as a lens through which I choose to view the world and my place in it. We cannot change the stars. We cannot change the moment that we are in. All we can control is how we navigate the cosmic storms. Not that I needed to tell you, but we are in a transitional time. A lot of big movements are happening. As noted before, Pluto is fully going into Aquarius - we're not going back to Capricorn again, we are done with that for another 250 years. We are finishing the last weeks of Neptune in Pisces and we'll be done with that for another 165 years. And Uranus in it's final retrograde through the last degrees of Taurus and we'll be done with that for another 84 years. You and I, my friend, will never see these transits again. So whatever change or turbulence they brought to your life, whatever area of your chart was transformed by those years, it's over. As such, a retrospective is in order.

Uranus is making its last pass through Taurus, which started in May 2018. Back then, in my naivete, I thought I knew what this transit would bring into my life. Boy, was I wrong! My life is completely different from how it was back then. I'm in a different part of my career - I'm at a different company, in a different state, with the triple the salary I was making 7-8 years ago. I earned like 6 Cybersecurity certifications. I bought the house I wanted for my forever home, I bought my first car, and I had a whole other child during that time. And I lived through a pandemic (which, if you're reading this, so did you). My entire mental foundation shifted, which I should've been able to predict considering Uranus was transiting by 12th House. I went through the worst depressive bout I've had during my life, which led to me completely restructuring how I approached my mental health and self-worth. I got back into my habit of reading and started a new hobby I will obsess over until my body gives out (pole dance). And more than ever, I've leaned into my spiritual beliefs. I've learned how to "say it with my chest." I'm much more open about my personal practices and beliefs than I used to be. Uranus is the planet of revolution and revelation. Indeed, that is what it has brought me. Every day, I'm realizing that the most rebellious things one can do in this world is rest, read, and create. As such, I'm actively learning to make time for those things, which isn't easy in the best conditions and is getting harder by design. If you know, you know. 

The forest reaches out to guide me

Blue fire paths of will-o-wisps

Illuminate the darkness's old tricks

I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

I asked him not to kill me politely

He drained my magic core, bottled up at the source

I washed up on a sea glass shores

I'm nobody's captive (mm-mm)

The changes and shifts will continue, and maybe even accelerate, as Uranus moves into my 1st House. I can see the possibilities already, in the short time the transit was in play this year. Everything could change, all aspects of my life, but mostly, it will likely change my perspective. How I move through my life, how I perceive the world. Chani probably said it best in her recommendation for Gemini and Virgo Risings - Be the Chaos you wish to see in the world. Challenge accepted. 

Burnin' like a dyin' star

Invasive weeds rooted in my heart

Set in a crooked trajectory

The journey here was hard

I was almost pulled apart

Tryna leave this orbit, took what's left of me

Ashnikko and Ethel Cain were two of my top artists this year. This song, in particular, found me at a time early in the year when I felt especially hopeless. It is a song about finding a place of rest after experiencing a period of turbulence. Specifically, it's about leaving an abusive relationship. It can translate to other situations, though - leaving a soul-sucking job, ending a one-sided friendship, just getting through a rough period in general. In the verses, Ashnikko recounts how she gave her all to a relationship, only to be drained of the essence which made her special, which filled her soul. This is one of the reasons it's hard to leave an abusive situation. It takes and takes and takes, until your sense of self worth is destroyed. And often, it feels like the only way to get it back is to get attention from the person (or situation) that took it. That's why we see these cycles and internal debates between leaving vs staying or leaving and then going back. To break the cycle, it requires a drastic refocus away from that person or situation. It requires a re-centering yourself. The shift is brutal and disorienting - it takes everything you have to pull your energy away. This is where we meet the artist on her journey. The waterfalls she bathes in are her own, she found the softness she needed in herself. Both Ashnikko and Ethel Cain have distinct vocals. Cain has this more ethereal lilt whereas Ashnikko has a more gravelly, raw quality. Together, they create this celestial, atmospheric blend, which complements the metaphors and imagery within the lyrics so well. I hope you enjoy it, I hope it brings you the same peace I feel every time I listen to it.

"Dying Star" Video

Fantasies and Frivolities ("Crush" by Ethel Cain)

I have a lot on my mind. It seems the theme of this year has been chaos, which is unfortunate because my words for the year were supposed to be "creation" and "transformation." I don't feel like getting into politics now - we all know we've got a front row seat to the shitshow. And while there's a lot I could say, I'm pretty sure a lot of it has already been said and it's falling on deaf ears. I can scream into the void with the best of them, but why waste the energy. Especially when this blog is supposed to be about music and - by extension - the emotions and memories and associations it stirs up from the abyss of my subconscious. So instead, I'm going to tell you about the songs (and other things) getting me through these shenanigans. Thanks for joining me on the ride.

His window's already passed, so he's shooting at the glass

Keeping guns in his locker, and he denies it

Like it's actually important, but he lied 'cause I sure did watch him

Showing up wearing black, and he knows that

Like much of my favorite music nowadays, I discovered Ethel Cain via an Instagram scroll. I follow a lot of miniaturists and there's this one miniaturist in particular that does a lot of Southern Gothic and horror inspired artwork. She was showing off this miniature church sign she made. The white paint was faded and nicked, the back papered with Missing posters, and the message in block letters proclaiming, "God Loves You, But Not Enough to Save You." I think about those words more often than I care to admit. The song featured on the post was "Sun-Bleached Flies" by Ethel Cain, which is where the the lyric comes from. It hints at disillusionment, with God, with love, with life. The artist (@southerngothicdollhouse on IG) sells a kit for people to make a similar sign themselves. I kind of want to buy it but it's $150 and I don't think I can justify it. To be clear, she provides all the pieces including the paints, so there's value in it - I'm not saying it's not worth the money. But I have a quarter-finished book nook that's calling my name and I really need to learn how to finish the things I start before buying more hobby paraphernalia. 

His daddy's on death row, but he'll say it with his chest, though

His friends move dope, he hasn't tried coke

But he's always had a problem saying no

His older brother bagged the valedictorian

His mother, steady, screaming he should be more like him

Anyway, back to this Ethel Cain song - another slow burn obsession for me, it's been popping up in pole class and it's an easy go-to for freestyling at home. Ethel Cain's music reminds me a lot of the early-mid 90s shoegaze-type rock. Dreamy, experimental, a little grungy, beautiful nigh haunting vocals. Honestly, it's the kind of vibe I prefer to bring to the table - to pole class or to work....or to really anywhere. I've heard of Ethel Cain's music being grouped in with country and, I'll admit, there is a Southern Gothic tint to her aesthetic. However, listening to the lyrics, it conjures up the imagery of being in a small Midwest town. Where you know everyone in your senior class because there's barely enough teenagers around to justify a high school. The crush in question is probably not the best guy to be running around with. Hides guns in his locker, wears all black, has stoner friends. I was a teenager during the early 2000s - I'm no stranger to being intrigued by the weird, quiet Goth kid. But I know being the weird Goth kid in a rural town somewhere in the Bible Belt carries a heavier weight than where I went to high school. 

Can you read my mind? I've been watching you

(You know it, you know it, you know it's true)

Couldn't fight to save your life, but you look so cool

Camo' jacket, robbing corner stores

Hard odds to beat when you're on all fours

Good men die too, oh, I'd rather be with you, you, you

I've added "Crush" to my Unskippables playlist....I'm past the obsessive listening phase, which usually ends in wanting to not hear a song again for at least a couple of months. I could listen this basically any time now. The point of "The Unskippables" is that they're songs I keep coming back to, that I love hearing over and over and over. Songs I'd put in every playlist, if I didn't have any self respect or mix tape skillz. I've been trying to pinpoint why certain songs capture my devotion and the closest explanation I've gotten to is that they elicit a particular emotion in me. A vision, a place in time, a story that I have playing in my brain. For "Iris," I am both the singer and the person being sung about. With "Desert Song," I am lost in the torment of both my deepest hopes and darkest fears. And with "Crush," I'm taken back to being a boy-crazy teenaged girl, who had a thing for weirdos and nerds and outcasts...

I owe you a black eye and two kisses

Tell me when you wanna come and get 'em

I only want him if he says it first to me

I wanna, uh, him in the back of his mom's Mercury

He looks like he works with his hands, and smells like Marlboro Reds

It makes me so, uh, and I can't get enough of it

I remember those times vividly - having a crush was fun. The adrenaline of running into them unexpectedly in the hallway. Spying them out in the wild, hanging out in their natural habitat (the mall). Or praying very loudly in your head not to be paired with them for a class assignment and then, of course, being paired up with them because God needed some entertainment that week. This has happened to me - multiple times. One of several real-world reasons why I think there's something to manifestation. There's this theory in manifestation circles that the Universe doesn't interpret negatives, so if you're praying for something not to happen, it will happen because you're still thinking about it happening. Don't think too hard about that, you'll get paranoid. Anyway, the B-plot in a story/series I'm writing is somewhat of a love story. The characters are younger - not teenaged, because that's over-done, but pre-to-mid Saturn Return - so I'm trying to put myself in that mindset. The intrigue, the hopefulness of meeting a person who you intensely vibe with and looking forward to the possibility of seeing them randomly (or not so randomly) during the course of your day. Does it end badly? It might. Statistically, it probably will - but it'll be an adventure.

Low slung bad bitch, baby, come and get you some

I haven't written here in a bit. Pushing this out into the void, as a sort of kick in the pants. Work is draining, it's hard to find motivation or will to write but the thoughts are still there. Besides, these little "my favorite thing right now" posts are easy, even if they're mostly fluff. Have a good week, dear reader.

Crush - Official Music Video

A PSA about Pluto in Aquarius ("Session" by Linkin Park)

I started writing this at the beginning of the year, inspired by a Star Trek episode that takes place in the year 2024 (a synopsis follows). In the Star Trek universe, 2024 marks a particularly momentous point in mankind's history. Now when I first started writing this blog post, I had no idea how fitting that was going to be. I only knew that it contained a lot of tense, transitional astrological energy and that was enough to mark it as an interesting point in time. The latter half of the 2020's is supposedly where all the fireworks are set to happen but 2024 in itself had a certain weird-ness about it. Pluto was in Aquarius this year, but not quite; Saturn and Neptune were conjunct by sign the whole year; Mars is in retrograde and it will retrograde back into multiple signs; and to top it off, this was the last year that Uranus was fully going to be in Taurus. 2025 marks Uranus transit into Gemini in over 80 years and (not surprisingly) it initiates the Uranus return for the United States. You may hear the term "fourth turning" a lot and our Uranus returns have previously occurred during the Civil War and World War II - two points in American history that have shaped the sort of nation we've become. (This is what we call foreshadowing....)

 

Moving onto the inspiration for this post. The episode I mentioned takes place during the "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" series and it's a 2-part episode named "Past Tense." In the episode, Captain Sisko, Bashir, and Jadzia Dax are transported back to San Francisco in the year 2024, during what has become known as a critical moment in Earth's history. The United States is in the midst of intense breakdown of socioeconomics. The lower classes - those who cannot afford housing, food, medical care, and those who are mentally ill or disabled - have been funneled into huge camps called "Sanctuary Districts." These are much like the "Hoover Towns" of the 1930s, but they're also heavily policed to keep the masses in them. This is where Bashir and Sisko end up, because the person who found them (a cop) decided that's where they belong. For reference, both Bashir and Sisko are obvious racial minorities. Jadzia, on the other hand, is found by a wealthy businessman, who proceeds to take care of her because - I don't know - she's a pretty white woman? That seems to be the most obvious reason. From her standpoint on the outside, she can fully grasp the horrors of the Sanctuary District and how morally wrong it is. Long story short, there is a riot and a hostage situation that eventually leads to the public's attitude and handling of the disadvantaged starts to change. It's arguably one of the best Star Trek episodes to date, but I would also say it's one of the most prescient. Where we are in history is not too different than where that episode predicted we would be. Now, I cannot tell you why the writers picked the year 2024 for the backdrop. What I can tell you is that science fiction writers - whether they're writing novels or TV shows - have an almost mystical ability to look at the society they are currently living in and extrapolate the most disturbing, extreme, horrific outcomes of that trajectory. Ideally, we shouldn't be trying to replicate it (I'm lookin' at you, OpenAI). The reason why Star Trek remains so popular is that it depicts the best possible outcome of our current trajectory - that we get through these difficult times and eventually become a more equitable and forward-thinking society. Although, as the episode seems to imply, we may need some wayward time travelers to help us out. 

As I've mentioned in past writings, I've been on my own little manifestation journey. But - being me - the part I've enjoyed most is falling down the rabbit hole. Quantum mechanics. Simulation Theory. Glitches in the Matrix. If 2024 has taught me anything, it is simply this - the reality I'm experiencing is not the same as the reality you're experiencing. And I wish I could understand that better, on every level - physical, psychological, philosophical, biomechanical - in any possible way. Even so, I have this gut feeling that what we want for ourselves, our families, our nation, our future....is not as different as others would have us believe. Aquarius is very much about the outside perspective. When we are in it - like deep in the thick of the situation - we can't see clearly how to get out or even how everything fits together, sometimes. I'm making choice to believe 2024 is a turning point in our history and that we'll get through it. Things will get better but that's dependent on our approach to the challenges we face. I'm taking to heart something I heard Greg and Dana Newkirk talking about on their "Haunted Objects Podcast" (I get my wisdom from some very weird places) and embracing curiosity over fear. Curiosity often leads you to knowledge whereas fear generally only leads to more fear.

After listening to an Astrology Podcast episode about music styles and Saturn transits, I've been trying to thing more deeply about how outer planet transits shape the musical landscape of longer eras. During Pluto in Capricorn, I noticed a growing popularity of modern songs being covered in styles from bygone eras, like Postmodern Jukebox or the cover of "Low" by Flo-rida that sounds like elevator music. Some of the most popular songs over the past decade were strongly influenced by past genres - I'm thinking specifically of Mark Ronson's "Uptown Funk (feat. Bruno Mars)," which sounded like it could've come straight out of the 60s. I firmly believe that during Pluto in Aquarius, we're going to see this trend reversed - old songs being revived with New Age beats, strong techno and synthesized sounds intermingled with classical instruments. Like Mozart and Beethoven if they were covered by Daft Punk or mixed by Marshmello. Some really great examples of this would be the music composed for Eve Online by Steve Jablonsky and the "The Dance of Two Wolves" from "John Wick 3: Parabellum" which I absolutely fell in love with when I saw the movie. Pluto in Aquarius in the 21st Century is the rise of the Cyberpunk Era and it could go one of two ways - bright, upbeat dance pop or a return to heavy goth darkwave. In all honesty, it'll probably be both. I've already seen the resurgence of both in popular culture and - surprise! - everyone is a little into both. Cheerleader Goth is a thing and there are dozens of us! Since "Barbie" started advertising, we're all into Bimbocore, we're all embracing our existential dread, and we're leaning into the absurdism of the moment. I love that for us!

 

Of course, being ruled by Saturn, Aquarian themes can also be quite nostalgic. Like listening to old favorites from our childhood. Of course, my formative years took place during the late 90s and early 2000s - a fantastic time for music, in my humble opinion. This particular song reminds me of a performance my older sister did outside the Landmark Cafe in our hometown. She did a  ballet-style dance en pointe but the music was Linkin Park. It hit that perfect balance of classical mixed with futurism, which I believe will be a hallmark of the next couple decades.

"Session" Video

 

Rising in Chaos ("Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift)

It's that time of year again.... I know I haven't written in a while but I couldn't miss T-Swift's birthday. I wish I could say I've been working on other things but the truth is this year has been a whirlwind and I got caught up in the swirl. Even now, I'm at home because I had over 60 hours of PTO left when I returned from Argentina and I need to burn it because it's use it or lose it. The last two years, my company did a payout but, when you hire a bunch of workaholic engineers, that gets expensive. Oh yeah...I went to Argentina over Thanksgiving. It was great - Buenos Aires definitely grows on you and I'd like to go back when we have more free time to explore.  The city has a rich history, amazing coffee, and is super walk-able, at least in the area where we stayed. 

  … So I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street
Crash the party like a record scratch as I scream
"Who's afraid of little old me?"
You should be

Alright, back to Taylor. I actually didn't get into The Tortured Poets Department when it came out - as I've mentioned in the past, I prefer to discover songs when it's the "right" time for me to find them, even when it comes to my favorite artists. I go through cycles - even with My Chemical Romance and Florence Welch, I'll often hear a song once when an album comes out and then suddenly become obsessed with it years later, when it hits the perfect emotional chord and reflects exactly what I'm going through at that specific moment in my life. As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm very much feeling "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" right now. (Un)Coincidentally, I've adopted it as my vibe for 2025. And let me tell you a little bit about what we're heading into - I'm making an educated guess it is going to be even crazier next year. Surprisingly, I'm feeling really jazzed up about it. Honestly, it feels very much like the excited feeling I had during the lead up to 2020.....and we all know how that ended up. However, I don't think this is a false high. I'm going into next year with my eyes wide open. I'm aware the astrology for next year is fucking wild - but that doesn't mean it has to bad on a personal level. There's a lot of exciting things going on right now - I'll cover those in more depth in another post (that I've been tinkering with for the better part of a year). I will say this - this song is exactly the tone to strike as we head into an extended period of Mars Retrograde for the rest of the year and the first quarter of 2025.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean
"Don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"
Who's afraid of little old me?
Well, you should be

A small part of the retrograde (approximately 6 degrees) will be in Leo but the vast majority of the time, Mars will be hanging out in the later degrees of Cancer. This is not Mars at its best - arguably, this is Mars at its worst, because Mars is in its Fall while in the sign of Cancer. What does that mean? Well, it's Cancer - it's moody, it holds grudges, it's passive aggressive....it's a bit unstable. When you add Mars to the mix - the planet of War, violence, anger, aggression, passion, sex, etc - things can get a little chaotic. The outlook can become quite dark and pessimistic and vengeful. And I say this as a native Mars in Cancer (at the anaretic degree!). I will be the first to admit I am not fun to be around when I'm angry. I've been told I'm downright scary, which is the overwhelming contradiction of the Cancerian nature. From far away, they look sweet, gentle, nurturing, maybe even meek....but you don't want to fuck with them. Because Cancer is a sign of extremes - they can be the nicest person you've ever met until you piss them off. Particularly when it comes to Mars in Cancer, there's a tendency towards over-reaction and often it will seem to come out of nowhere because - like their symbol, the Crab - Cancerians will come at you sideways. The approach is indirect and thus, hard to predict. Much like Scorpio, they have a talent for patiently waiting until the opportune moment to strike and they won't hold back. And of course, it's Cancer - if you come for their family, you're fucked. We saw this earlier in the year, during the rap battle between Mars in Cancer native, Kendrick Lamar, and Drake. 

 … Is it a wonder I broke? Let's hear one more joke
Then we could all just laugh until I cry

As I've mentioned previously, Taylor Swift has some strong placements in Cancer, most notably her Moon, but also Jupiter (which is exalted in Cancer) and Chiron. Swift has cultivated this whole persona of being kind to her fans, effortlessly poetic in her art, and dreamily soft and sweet in her aesthetic -  but in order to survive in the music business, she's become notably ruthless within the industry. She is one of the most litigious artists when it comes to copyright (example: famously trying to copyright the phrase "this sick beat"), she made history by earning back the rights to her repertoire by simply re-recording the songs she released under her previous record label (and made even more money on those recordings), and is known for writing and releasing songs about her easily identifiable exes (which usually results in a unyielding public backlash for those unfortunate men). She is nought to be trifled with. She is an icon and possibly the most formidable female artists we will see in our lifetime. True, some of those aforementioned legal battles could be characterized as unethical. After all, Swift is a billionaire and there's an argument to be made that billionaires cannot exist without exploitation. I assure you - this isn't the post to make that argument, just something to let roll around in your head. That's the whole message of this song - the sweet girl she was when she started making music would not, could not survive the music industry. In fact, that wholesome naivete was swiftly killed the moment she got an iota of mainstream success (pun intended). If she's terrible, it's because she has to be. It's no secret that young women in the music (and film) business are often taken advantage of and exploited to the utmost. Some of those horror stories - featuring prominent artists, musicians, and actors - are just barely coming to the surface now. There's a reason why the idea of a Villain Era resonates so strongly right now - villains aren't created in a vacuum. And more often than not, the context of a villain origin story is rooted in exploitation and degradation at the hands of those with more power and influence. Can you really condemn a person if their environment gave them no other choice? Just one of the many philosophical conundrums we have awaiting for us as we start our journey through Pluto in Aquarius. 

… I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
So all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs
I'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?
That I'll sue you if you step on my lawn
That I'm fearsome and I'm wretched and I'm wrong
Put narcotics into all of my songs
And that's why you're still singing along

Real talk though - this year left me exhausted. As usual, it is (at least) partially my fault. I give way too much of myself, especially to my work, expecting that I'll be rewarded (or, at bare minimum, appreciated). And I'm not going to say that hasn't worked out for me - I got a promotion and two raises this year - but at what cost? When I went to Argentina, I had to leave my work phone at home. I was literally unreachable for the week and I could focus on enjoying the experience and participate fully in my sister's wedding. When I got back, I actually felt rejuvenated....and then two days into my first week back at work, I was burnt out again. Clearly I'm doing something wrong - I'm caring too much, I'm taking on too much responsibility, I'm trying to make progress when faced with incompetent peers. I enjoy my work but I'm realizing my personal goals for this past year took a back seat to "getting the mission done." Don't get me wrong - the mission is important. It always will be. But I'm tired of living that way. I want to find a new path forward. I have no more fucks to give, and I can't renew my reserve of fucks if I'm not taking the time to generate them. Does that make sense? Doesn't matter. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do in 2025 but my main challenge for next year is making the space for them to become reality. 

"Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" Official Lyric Video

Another Year Wiser... ("Void" by Melanie Martinez)

Doubtful, but here we are. Like it does every year, my birthday rolled around again....about two months ago. If you can believe it, I did start writing this in July so....can I count that as progress? Whatever, I'm counting it. You know those fairytales where there's a wizened old woman who lives at the edge of the forest? I'm as old as those witches helped the young heroine on her quest. No, seriously - they were all roughly 37-years-old. People didn't live much longer back in the olden times. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. Given the age of the typical fairytale ingenue is around 16/17, it does not surprise me that they would think someone of that age was ancient. I mean - just look at how Gen Z views Millennials. They steal all our childhood trends then call us cringe for telling them how things were before the Internet.

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow

I hate who I was before

I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow

Someone tell me if this is Hell

Somewhere a few years back, my line of existential questioning switched from "what am I doing with my life?" to "what do I enjoy doing with my life?" And the frustrating thing about it is I know exactly what that answer is but the bounds of time to enjoy those simple pleasures are suffocating. Is this Middle Age? Ugh, it feels gross. It doesn't feel like I've been alive this long...but I have and I'm both impressed and horrified. From my perspective, I'm a teenager stuck in a (near) 40-year-old's body, unsure of what lesson I was supposed to learn to end this Freaky Friday. I'm not grown up enough to make these decisions! Someone, get the manager! And then I realize - oh shit! - I am the manager. I girlboss'd way too hard and now I'm only seven promotions away from being the CEO of a whole company! I'm exaggerating, of course. Yes, it is only 7 promotions, but I'm at a level where it's highly unlikely I'll get promoted unless someone really fucks up (or leaves under mysterious circumstances, which happens disturbingly often). I'm unsure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this ambivalence I feel could become a problem.

Like a priest behind confession walls, I judge myself

Kneelin' on a metal grater

Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself

Tangled in my own intestines

I realize I never gave an update - I did, in fact, get that promotion I was hoping for back in March. And the raise they gave me wasn't too shabby - they met my (rather high) expectations and effectively brought me up to the same level as other ISSMs. Even so, mo' money, mo' problems. I'm at a point where I'm starting to see the cracks in the foundation and the flaws of our leadership really close up, and it's kind of terrifying. At my last job, our head honcho would have these Section Lead meetings and our four-panels had a section for "Whirlwind." Whirlwind, in corporate speak, is all the stuff - the little fires, the last-minute tasks, the unforeseen consequences of a past decision - that is creating chaos in an otherwise perfect plan. My workdays sometimes seem like nothing but whirlwind. And my direct supervisors (yes, due to uncommunicated corporate reorganization, I've changed supervisors more than once in the last year) are never the leaders I need them to be. Involved, but not overbearing. Reachable when I need them to be, but otherwise letting me do my own thing as a leader. Provides feedback regularly and recognizes how hard I'm working. They always lack the teeth I'm desperately hoping they have. The lack the insight and vision I have but am too low on the totem pole to convey, because it's still way above my pay grade. And yet I keep doing it anyway. I'm burnt out. I'm so burnt out, I read a whole book about how to make it better ("Burnout" by Emily and Amelia Nagoski).

Baby

I'm spinnin' around the corner

It's tastin' kinda lonely

And my mind wants to control me

I chose "Void" as my song of the year primarily because I was already feeling this energy when I started writing in July. I also in soulful agreement with the following lyric in the chorus: I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice.

The truth - my truth - is that I envision a totally different reality for myself. It revolves around writing and creating, which - while being one of those fulfilling outlets cited in "Burnout" that can relieve the overwhelming exhaustion I feel - is simultaneously incredibly hard to do when you're feeling burnt out. It's not even about the time factor. I only need 15-30 minutes a day to make progress! It's that my brain is literal mush when I get home from work. Couple that with having high standards for the work I release and the fear of being seen, and it becomes a vicious cycle continually leading me to feel so disappointed in myself. My seeming lack of discipline. My poor time management skills. My lack of focus. Then, of course, the fear I lack talent. I could go on but, to be honest, I'm a bit tired of punching myself in the gut for being exhausted all the time and for failing to be a creative in a system hellbent on destroying anything and everything, as long as it's profitable. I'm tired, but I'm trying. I want to believe it's worth doing the thing just to say I did the thing. I'm trying to uncouple my writing practice from the need for anything to become of it. One of the podcasts I listen to cited an Aleister Crowley quote to describe the guest's success from projects that initially began as aimless. “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.” Thus, writing for no other reason than to write will manifest this new reality I'm craving. Hey, a girl can hope.....

C-c-c-collect

My fickle insecurities

And turn them into beauty

Alchemize the dark within me (ah)

Before this turned into a rant about my shortcomings, I was going to go over what my Solar Return chart looks like. Well, we're several paragraphs in already, so I'll try to keep it to the Cliff's Notes. I'm in a 2nd House profection year, so heavy emphasis on income, values, and purpose. Cancer is the sign in my natal 2nd House, which means the ruler - the Moon - is my timelord for this year. That means every time the moon shifts into a new sign or makes a critical aspect, it's significant in some way for my life (Oh, goody...). My rising sign for this solar year is Taurus, placing the Sun in the 3rd House, so the other big themes for this year are Community, Communication, Siblings/Extended Family, and a lot of other Mercury-related stuff. It's not surprising - my sister is getting married this year and (as previously noted) I'm trying to put more emphasis on my writing goals. The Moon was almost at the New Moon in my solar return chart, so a New Beginning related to the 3rd House topics is likely to happen this year. With my ascendent-descendent on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, it's a very stable year in terms of self and partnerships. A quite grounded, sensual, deeply loving energy - that's what I normally associate with this axis. 

Pluto is squarely on top of the solar return Midheaven in Aquarius, so some innovative transformation is in store for my public image and possibly my overall career. My natal Midheaven is in Aquarius (9th House - Higher Education, Philosophy, Religion, Publishing), so this possibly represents a pivotal moment in that area of my life. Finally, Jupiter is in Gemini (finally), which is my natal 1st House and is the 2nd House in my 2024 solar return house. Good fortune and blessing around my identity, income, values, and possessions. Overall, the aspects for this year were largely beneficial but the scattering of placements is kind of messy. I feel like that's a metaphor - the year will feel chaotic but things will likely end in a good place for me. At least, that is how I'm choosing to see it. 

I gotta escape the void, there is no other choice, yeah

Tryna turn off the voices, the void ate me

Look at the mess I've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah

Holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Part of my new birthday tradition is to make a playlist celebrating me and where I am at that given moment in my life. A sort of time capsule, if you will. Check it out if you want - Jessica is Awesome! Mix, Vol 2: In My Feels. 

"Void" Music Video

Brute Forcing a Path Forward ("Happy Endings" by Mike Shinoda, feat. UPSAHL & iann dior)

This has been my top track in this dumpster fire of a week. It started with an interview for a big promotion (with a real pay increase, not just the basic bitch cost-of-living bump I was going to get) and it ended with upper management subtly telling everyone I'm getting more responsibilities than I expected. That's how they do a lot of things within my department. They send out a nondescript email on a Friday after everyone goes home. How did I do on the interview, you may ask? Well, I left it feeling like I had bombed it. I spoke later with my supervisor/hiring manager for the position and he said that - contrary to what my head was telling me - the panel was very impressed and that I did well. I still won't know until next week but I feel better about the waiting now. The thing is, with that sneaky little email yesterday, he is no longer my supervisor and giving the promotion to me would mean giving away one of his slots to a different manager. In other words, no one would question him giving the promotion to his "favorite" (take that how you will), which is what everyone has been telling me was going to happen anyway. That's been fun.

Yo, this whole last year was a shit show

Just finding out now what I didn't know

Seems like each time when I get low

I place blame everywhere that it shouldn't go

And that's what keeping me up

Falling apart, man, I keep it a buck

You still act like I'm holding you up

I still feel like I'm totally nuts, so

I had a conversation with my work bestie a couple weeks ago about how to make me look more impressive over this other internal candidate. At first, I was a bit offended. I need to make myself more impressive against a girl who has 6 years less practical experience than I do and still lists her student leadership positions on her resume? Who is on PTO practically every other month, yells at her team, and whose supervisor is doing half her work for her? Seriously?! But honestly, I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. If you're not someone's favorite in this place, it's hard to move up. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't benefited from that - I know for a fact that I have my own cheerleaders in upper management who have been singing my praises since I got hired. In fact, I have a feeling one of them is responsible for the additional duties it looks like I have now. Now that I feel like I've proved that their faith is well placed, at least I feel good about that. In addition to being competent at my job, I know I'm likeable and approachable. In a field that doesn't often have a lot of emotionally/socially intelligent workers, I stand out. I'm ranting. At this point, I'm just talking myself up so I don't worry so much about what the promotion decision will be. I'm trying to "manifest" into existence, if you will. Because I'm that girl.

Hey, at least in my mind

I'm feeling like I'm the hero that saves me

There I hold my head high

Get everything right, delusional maybe

If I'm pretending, why not write happy endings

Where I'm better than we both know I could be, oh

Still, at least in my mind

I'm feeling like I'm the hero that saves me

That's my dirty little not-so-secret. I believe in manifestation and practice magic and know in my soul that amazing things can happen in ways that make absolutely no fucking sense. I know they can. I've seen it. I've been telling myself the stars are on my side (because based on my knowledge of astrology, there wouldn't have been a better time for this interview). I've seen repeating numbers constantly this week. I don't know what they mean and at this point, I don't care. Even if it's just a coincidence, I'm just going to assume it means something positive. I was reminded by something I heard recently (probably from some random manifestation coach, tbh) that faith is believing in a dream/wish/desire/goal, even when you can't logically see how it could happen. And that's where I am at the moment. I've done everything I could possibly do to earn this promotion, so it's in the Universe's hands now (well, technically, it's in my former supervisor's hands but I'm just going to trust that things will play out in my favor). 

Final note on manifestation, before you write me off as just some crazy bitch: 1) you are definitely right and I'm not going to fault you for that but 2) my interest in manifestation has gotten me out of some serious issues with overthinking, especially the negative variety. It helps me feel like I'm doing something, even if the only control I have is over my own mindset. For example, I have these frightening intrusive thoughts where I imagine that terrible things are going to happen to my babies....in those moments, I just say an affirmation out loud to myself, such as "My children are safe," and it calms me down. I know that sounds super OCD - I don't care. It works. It's better than wallowing in the scary visions. And that, my friends, is why I'm a Manifestation Girlie 4 Life.

They're like, "Hey Mike

You can't keep kicking yourself for the things you say, like

There's some people that you could never make right"

And really, do I wanna sweat shit? No

I don't know why I don't let this go

Hold it inside, let it take control

Tell me what I should've said and I'll pretend to know that

Things come out my mouth that I should probably learn to hold back

Why do I expect to have the patience that I don't have

Over and over and over and over and, oh my God

"Happy Endings" was released in early 2021, but as you can probably tell from the lyrics, Mike Shinoda wrote it during the pandemic. Like many of us, Shinoda found himself in a dark place during quarantine and turned to his creativity to climb his way out. He started doing live twitch streams for about three hours a day where he would play music or do other art forms (drawing or what have you) based on fan request. I wrote about my manifestation journey today because that's kind of what this song is about. It's about the power of delusion to keep us going even when the struggle of life is bleakest. And even I can admit that the key to "manifestation" is just aggressively delusional optimism. In the song, Shinoda raps about all the things bringing him down. It's a lot of self-criticism about the work he's doing on Twitch, like when he misspeaks or says something that might offend one person out of the millions of people who might've been watching his streams. The bitchy comments people leave on his social media. (Why do people do that? Just fucking move on.) Getting upset with himself for taking out his frustration on the wrong people, placing blame on others who don't deserve it.....

Hey....this human thing is hard. At least some people are trying to make themselves better. I think the vast majority of people are way too hard on themselves. They worry every move they make is a mistake, even when no one else can see the flaws. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself that it ain't that serious. That's main message of this song - it's not naïve to believe in happy endings. On the contrary, it denotes a certain amount of strength and tenacity. 

"Happy Endings" Music Video