"Creep" by Radiohead (as performed by Scala & Kolacny Brothers)

I'm kind of writing this later than I had planned. It turned out to be a crazy, exhausting weekend. Blame it on the eclipse. Or the Super Blood Wolf Moon, or whatever the fuck they were calling it on social media. Radiohead - and specifically Thom Yorke - hate "Creep." They get tired of playing it, which I can understand. Ironically, though, it's the song that will prove to make them immortal. That's the secret to immortality, guys. Make something beautiful. I figured that out in my early 20s. I'm pretty sure I have a ranty journal entry on it somewhere....or perhaps I waxed poetic about it in my Medieval Philosophy notes, which I kept because I had some pretty fantastic doodles illustrating philosophical concepts. And I'm pretty sure, on one of those college-ruled pages, will be the lyrics to "Creep" in my very careful cursive writing. Because I love this song. It's up there with "Iris." My favorite version is the Postmodern Jukebox cover with Haley Reinhart's vocals, but that's because she has an amazing voice and I'm a sucker for Big Band music. This particular cover was featured in the trailer for "The Social Network." I guess to underscore how unique and special Mark Zuckerberg feels like he is. But that's a soapbox lecture for another day.

I think why I - and so many others - identify with "Creep" is that it gets to the core wound of humanity. We all feel so damned unlovable. That's what this whole song is about. He could be singing about anyone on the street. And although the band admits the lyrics are about a girl that Thom Yorke followed around while she was at college, it doesn't necessarily have to be about an object of romantic interest. Because it's about feeling like a stranger even when amongst your closest friends, or feeling indescribably lonely even when you're in a crowd of people. A feeling I am well acquainted with. To feel both weird but also insanely ordinary at the same time....it's maddening. What makes it worse is that I'm so good at playing it cool, most of the time. Most people thought I was quiet because I was a snob in high school. More than once, people have described me as cold and unemotional. Except that I'm not. In some ways, I feel like I'm more emotional than other people. I'm empathic, or otherwise incredibly adept at picking up other people's emotions. I had to be while I was growing up - most children from abusive and neglectful homes are. It's a survival tactic. And I'm also good at knowing when people are lying to me...but it turns out everyone is lying about something. Which leads to me feeling like I'm being gaslighted all the time. So either I'm insane or everybody else is....which is better? I just don't care anymore.

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

You're so fuckin' special

I wish I was special

That's my favorite verse. I don't know why but it resonates. I know it's all about control. I spent years trying to attain the "perfect body" but eating was just something I could control in my very chaotic world. Now I wonder if I'm using the chase for a "perfect soul" to do the same thing now. Lately, when I get deep into my feels and end up in a personal pity party, I keep finding a random ladybug. Symbolically, ladybugs signify good fortune ahead and that your wishes are manifesting. So I don't know if the Universe is trying to tell me to keep having faith....or if the Universe is just taunting me. Go ahead....keep believing in those impossible things. Hope is a dangerous thing. That was the moral of the last "Flash" episode I watched. Of course, that episode had a happy ending for the person Barry was trying to help, because that's the point of "Flash." He had a pretty shitty childhood, arguably shittier than Batman because he wasn't even born a billionaire, but the Flash is still optimistic, still believes that people are fundamentally good. That people deserve to be loved, even at their worst, even when they don't believe they deserve it. Of course, I believe that, too.

I guess it's pretty obvious at this point that I didn't have a plan when I started writing this post. Just playing with free association until I get to some sort of Truth. I guess that Truth would be....we all feel like "creeps" once in awhile. If you're following a pretty girl around your college campus, you're probably taking it just a wee bit too far, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. I wish I could say it gets better but even after facing down my demons, I feel unlovable and unloved. I know it isn't true....at least, I don't think it is. I don't know. I've spent a lot of my quiet moments today thinking on the people I've known and the choices I've made that have led me up to this exact point in my life. And the truth is I don't know a damn thing. Except for music. I do have pretty good taste in music. Most of the time. Anyway, before I went off my tangent, I was talking about the song. Scala & Kolacny Brothers is a Belgian women's choir known for making covers of alternative rock music like Radiohead and Nirvana. Like all women's choral music, it sounds like angels are singing. Having been in several choirs, I know how difficult it is to translate contemporary music into the complex arrangement you hear in this version. But it's worth it. Including the original because - as I've mentioned - it's doomed to be an immortal classic.

Scala and Kolacny Brothers Version

Radiohead Version