I mentioned in my last post I've been listening to Steven Sanchez on repeat, so I thought I would share one of his songs. I first discovered Steven Sanchez when I heard a snippet of "Until I Found You" on the radio, which I rarely listen to - I think what happened is I was unplugging my phone from the car. I fell in love with his voice. He sounds, to me, like an old-school rock & roll musician, in the vein of Frankie Valli, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and maybe even a little bit of Elvis (when he was first starting). I'm sure if I looked up Sanchez' biography, I would even find those names in his list of influences. As I said, I love his voice. Some people love basses and baritones, but I'm finding I'm a connoisseur of tenors. There's something sweet and sorrowful, poetic and romantic about his music, and that's what makes him one of my favorite new artists.
They say the veil is thinnest on All Hallow's Eve. That's true - but what people don't realize is that it's not just spirits that come through. It's everything you've been hiding, suppressing, repressing, and keeping in the dark that also comes up for air. Being a water sign, Scorpio is deeply entwined with emotions, especially the effect they have on our psychology and our subconscious desires. You would think the Moon would be happy in Scorpio, but it's not. The Moon is in its Fall in Scorpio, meaning emotions don't flow as freely as they might in Cancer or Pisces, or be expressed as elegantly as they might in Taurus. But Scorpio Moons do feel deeply, possibly more deeply and intensely than any other sign...but they'll never let you know that (because they fear it's a weakness, a chink in their impenetrable armor). Being a Fixed sign, Scorpio tends to hold on to things, long after they're useful or even healthy. Halloween becomes an opportunity for these difficult emotions to be purged, which is why these things come up. They'll come out eventually, and often not in the way we'd expect or intend.
I've been hesitant to share this song, even though I've been enjoying it for over half a year. It never fails to make me cry and music like that feels incredibly personal and vulnerable to share. Because if you ask anyone who knows me, I don't cry. At least, they've never seen me cry. Apparently, 'stoic' is a word a lot of people would use to describe me. And that may be true. I'm not completely emotionless - others would say I tend to "broadcast" my thoughts with my facial expressions (that's the Gemini Rising), which I like to think makes me a fun conversationalist - but I do tend to keep a lot of things private. And while on the surface, this seems like a sweet, romantic, old-fashioned song, it uncovers a deep inner wounding for me around abandonment, rejection, worthiness, not belonging, and not being chosen. As much as I try to work on these things, there are some songs that always peel back another layer, leaving me feeling raw and broken.
The overarching story of the song describes the love you feel, even after someone has hurt you. How you may still want them in your life, even if it's painful. My mind keeps coming back to this episode from one of the later seasons of "Hannah Montana." (Stay with me, this is leading somewhere, I promise.) Miley is torn between two guys - her boyfriend, Jake, who has hurt her in the past, and a new musician she's working with, Jesse. For reference, objectively speaking, Jesse was hotter. In a moment of despair, she asks her mother (who is dead) for help. For some reason, she has headshots of both on her bed and the wind blows one of the headshots to land at Miley's feet. It's the picture of Jesse but the episode ends with her reaffirming her love for Jake. Jesse is heartbroken but he understands.
Having researched a little bit while writing this, I know by the end of the Hannah Montana, she breaks up with Jake because he's cheating on her and she ends up with Jesse anyway. Which, romantically speaking, always made more sense - they had similar personalities, they were both passionate about music and they channeled that passion into the work they did together (yes, he stayed in her band, even after she rejected him). They clicked well so, with the knowledge of how it all ends, I have no idea what she was thinking when looking at his headshot. Originally, I thought she looked at his headshot and she was disappointed. But it now occurs to me that she could've picked it up and felt scared about having to break up with Jake, because they shared a lot of history (three seasons worth) together. Or maybe she felt guilty for having feelings for someone outside of her current relationship. Or anxiety about taking the leap and it not working out. I'm not sure and I don't think we're meant to know. To quote "Titanic," "a woman's heart is a deep ocean." The Universe gave her the answer and, in the end, that was the outcome. Script writing is easy and simple like that. As you can tell, I spend way to much of my time thinking about "Hannah Montana." I spend way too much of my time thinking about a lot of things. How you do one thing is how you do all things....and all that jazz.
I'll never feel another way, just thought I'd let you know
You've knocked me to the floor
Since the moment I saw you
Every minute, every hour, if you'll have me, I want you
As a step away from the antics of "Hannah Montana," I have to acknowledge that the inner wounds I've mentioned also awaken a deep well of anger and hurt. As a Scorpio Moon, I hate to be the person who was hurt more. Having a Mars-ruled Moon (and the Mars in my chart is also debilitated, being in Cancer, Mars' Fall), there's obviously something competitive about this, and being the weaker one, the one who loses, is unfathomable. Scorpio placements, in particular, struggle with feeling weak and vulnerable, especially in an emotional way. In my head, if you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you far worse, such complete overkill that you will never pick up the pieces. I desire vengeance - beyond justice - and part of me honestly believes this other person doesn't deserve happiness, but instead deserves the worst life can throw at them, deserves even more pain and hurt than they've caused me. It scares me because these thoughts and feelings make me worry that I'm not as good a person as I'd like to think. But then I'm reminded that it isn't a good person who would hurt me in such a way to push me to this extreme (which is hard to do). Why am I spending so much emotional energy on such a person? If they had cared about me at all and were as deeply remorseful about hurting me as they should be, they would've jumped off a building by now.
Underneath everything, though, I'm angry with myself. For putting myself in such a vulnerable situation; for being naïve, hopeful, and trusting at the time; for suppressing the anger I felt afterwards out of a misguided idea that I should be compassionate and understanding, despite being left feeling pathetic and worthless; and I'm angry at myself for still feeling deeply wounded many years later. I want to scream at them, "You take this, it's yours! You take this hurt, this pain you forced on me! I don't want it!" I never wanted it, I never expected it. It feels like a loss to carry this burden myself. So no, they don't deserve to be happy, not if I'm hurting like this still.
I've been trying to understand where this anger is coming from, trying to explain it to myself as I sit with it. From what I've gathered, it comes from the feeling that someone violated a sacred boundary for me, and took advantage of my vulnerability, and my generous and loving nature. And even if I could punish them, ruin their life and become that harbinger of karma, there's this inner conflict of not wanting to. Because, at my core, that's not who I want to be. That is not the highest expression of my Scorpio Moon. Even though it might feel really good in the moment, in my heart, I know I don't want to burn that bridge. I don't think I should. As such, I have to accept that I myself cannot balance the scale, not in a way that is satisfying, and that acceptance feels like a loss to me. I have to trust that by "taking the L" (which, being ruled by Mars, Scorpio placements are loathe to do), I'm surrendering this hurt to the Universe, which will be able to carry out divine justice in a more fitting way and time than I ever could.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
If learning to love would cost my life, I'd spend it all on you and I
I realize this took a dark turn but, during Scorpio season, you have to let go what is asking to be freed. This is the most necessary step in transmuting darkness into light. Happy Halloween.
November Update: I cannot overstate the life-changing magic of identifying and naming what you're feeling. I was having a tough time moving through this fog at the end of October and writing down what I felt was the ugly stuff has helped me let it go a little bit. Not completely but it's not all-consuming anymore. I'm trying to embrace the BOTH/AND. For example, you can BOTH love someone and have compassion for their experience AND still be extremely angry at them because how they treated you was royally fucked up. The struggle is real.
"I Want You" Video
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