"Yellow" by Coldplay

Last night, I was feeling sad. So I watched a movie, which always does one of two things - it distracts me or, more likely, it gives me an acceptable reason to cry. The movie I chose was "Crazy Rich Asians," so it ended up being the latter situation. The sadness carried throughout the movie, even the funny parts, until I reached the end. During the ending scenes - we call this the denouement in plot structure, when the loose threads get tied into the pretty bow of a happy ending - a version of "Yellow" was playing. And even though it was being sung in Chinese (couldn't tell you which dialect), I knew the melody and, therefore, the words...

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah they were all yellow

This song has a calming effect on me. You can't hear it and not want to believe everything will be okay. I find it magical that music can do that, transform emotions and transcend reality, even when presented in an unfamiliar form. Of course, that's why sound mixing is so essential in movies. If you don't get the music just right, you fuck up the emotional flow of the entire scene. The movie differs from the book slightly, in that they wrap up everything within a single movie. In the book, the ending was a bit more ambivalent, partially because it's the first in a series, but also because real life isn't so clean cut. The movie simplified a subplot - unfortunately, it's one of the more interesting subplots in the book but I understand why they did it. A major theme of both the movie and the book is the illusion of perfection, and the choice between validation and authenticity. The movie makes really excellent use of the impact of social media. More importantly, it leans into the idea that social media creates the fantasy real life can never be. Authenticity is in short supply on the Internet, nothing happens without filters and carefully picked moments. The real stuff happens outside the painstakingly curated pictures and videos. The truth of people is in what they hide. And why they hide it. Most people only reveal what they want others to see and, thus, can escape the pain of vulnerability, the terror of real intimacy. And, in fact, in "Crazy Rich Asians," it's the main character's refusal to be inauthentic and choosing to claim her heritage - as degrading and ill-bred as it is to the people whose approval she wanted so badly - that drives the climax of the movie.

I saw a tweet this morning with the following sentiment: "What makes a star shine so brightly? A shit load of darkness." I was reflecting on this in conjunction with the Full Moon in Leo, which occurred earlier today. I only just made the connection between Aquarius and Leo, as opposite signs. The Star is the tarot card for Aquarius and Leo's ruling "planet" is the Sun, the most important star to humanity's existence. Aquarius placements have a reputation for marching to their own beat, regardless of what others think, whereas Leo placements are seen as needing attention and approval from everyone. But what both signs need is validation - Validation that they are unique and special, whether that means being weird or dramatic, mysterious or picture perfect. Aquarius is about following the Star and Leo is about realizing the Star is - and always has been - ourselves. Stars don't need others to see them to shine, because it doesn't matter. That sparkle is who they are. And there will be stargazers out there who just can't look away.

The sadness has given way to extreme thoughtfulness and a rare peace. There's a lot happening in the sky right now, astrology-wise. It's normal to be encountering huge swings between hopelessness and renewed faith. I find it's just best to ride it out. The world is inundated with illusions at the moment - nothing seems real. That's why strengthening your inner compass is so important right now. It makes it easier to pass through liminal spaces. The video for "Yellow" is a classic. It's so simple. It's just Chris Martin walking on the beach on a cloudy day. The camera stays close except during the musical interludes, where the cameraman backs off a bit. And Martin has this sheepish grin, as if he's confessing something to you (i.e., the person he's singing to, that he's written this song for) he hadn't said before. Maybe he is. And even if he's a bit embarrassed, he's happy. He maintains full eye contact with the camera as he sings, increasing the feeling that you're sharing an intimate moment with him. The imagery seems meaningful, even though it's simple. And it's the ability to find the meaning in moments - moments that aren't marked as special, moments that could even be called routine, moments that can be downright shitty - that's essential because if you can't find happiness in those moments, you're in trouble. Because the present moment is all we ever have.

"Yellow" Video

Song du Nuit

Paradise

by Coldplay

::WARNING:: Long-winded, Personal Rant

I need a pick me up tonight.  Everything feels like it's going to sh*t.  One of the lights at the end of the tunnel went out today:  I wasn't accepted to do Teach for America.  Yes, I feel like a big giant failure, because I don't understand why I wasn't accepted.  I have tons of leadership experience, I'm a good planner, and I'm way too intelligent for my own good.  I keep thinking back to the interview and the fact that I admitted I had some reservations about joining the corps.  All legitimate worries -- not wanting to fail the little brains that would be placed in my care chief among them.  I suppose I shouldn't ruminate on it now....it does no good.  Mom is getting worse.  She's not taking her medicine and, legally, we can't do anything until she does something really awful, like she did last time.  It sucks because I literally can't enjoy my days off because, most days, I can expect to walk through a toned down version of hell.  First circle, just past the gates.  Not too bad but it wears me out and some days are worse than others, especially when she gets snippy.  The one bright spot is my writing hour....that's actually been going very well.  Aside from one night when I crashed out right after work, I've been sticking to my number 1 resolution like a hawk, with some promising results.  It makes me feel so much better to escape to some beautiful, exotic world that I've created in my mind.  Having control over something, even if it's all just make-believe, keeps me from having a nervous breakdown every day.  Don't get me wrong--I've had a couple breakdowns in the past few weeks....just ask Ana.  But I'm dealing.  Just keep meditating on inner peace--Om Namah Shivaya.   I think this song embodies exactly where I am most days.  This song is from Coldplay's new album, Mylo Xyloto and the video is just has bizarre and nonsensical as that album title.