"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" has been featured in numerous TV shows and movies, mostly instrumental form, but I think I first remember hearing it in an episode of "Grey's Anatomy." That show is tough to watch - at least, the early season were. I think someone died every episode - patients, secondary characters, even main characters (but not Meredith, never Meredith, although she has a few close calls). I always kind of identified with Meredith Grey - smart, talented, with so many expectations and a difficult relationship with her mother. There's an episode where a patient is always in pain because of his affliction that he tells Christina (Meredith's best friend) that he lives his life at an 8 so it's become sort of this background that dulls every other part of his life. Later in the episode, she yells at McDreamy for being careless with Meredith's heart because "she lives her life at an 8....her pain on any given day is an 8." I wouldn't be that dramatic but it always surprises me how easy it is to pretend that it's not that hard. Of course, people see what they want to see. That helps.
Anyway, there's so much death and pain in that show but that's not what makes it hard to watch. It's the aftermath. That's what brings tears to this old soul's heart. What's left behind when there's nothing left to heal. In the second season, Izzy falls in love with Denny Duquette...and it's wild and innocent and beautiful. But then he dies, despite Izzy's best efforts, despite her risking her whole career, perhaps even risking her freedom. And that's not even the saddest part of their relationship. No...the saddest part comes a few seasons later, when Meredith meets Denny in the afterlife during a near-death experience. He hasn't moved on to Heaven (which is a obvious eventuality in the Grey's universe). Instead, he haunts the hospital and walks the hallways when - every once in awhile - he will walk through Izzy and he gets to feel her energy. Just for a moment before she continues walking. And in that moment, he's so happy. He'll do that until Izzy joins him, however long that takes. Isn't that so fucking sad?
In the story I'm writing, the heroine is an Immortal. Well, more accurately - due to circumstances in her life - she has been given the Curse of Agelessness. Damned for all eternity to watch the people she loves grow old and die. Or just die, in some cases. She could impart immortality on them, if she wanted, but if you understood the depth of that pain, would you? When the story starts, we meet her in this place - broken, bitter, and isolated by choice. Essentially, she vows never to love again, because the pain of loss is too great, now. As you can imagine, this doesn't exactly work for her. Typical Heroine's Journey - faced with tough choices and self reflection. But I read somewhere recently that the right choice is always the path of love, which always leads back to yourself. Pretty hippie dippie but makes sense to me.
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me,
Son, fear is the heart of love, so I never went back
That lyric - "fear is the heart of love" - always struck me, because it's such a bold-faced lie that nevertheless permeates everything in society now. But you can't love something you're afraid of. Fear isn't love...if anything, it's the opposite. I think his reference to Catholicism expertly underscores this point. I don't miss that about being Catholic - being afraid of losing God's love for not being perfect, afraid of being sent to hell for my petty girlish sins. The complete opposite of what Jesus taught. The ending described in the song is more peaceful, but it does frighten me a bit. But, if I believe in a universe with infinite possibilities - and I do - I have to accept that there might not be anything after death. No Heaven, no Hell, no next life, no do-overs. Just darkness. And, hopefully, someone to hold my hand as that darkness takes over. Like that couple in "The Notebook" who die at the same time.
I promise I'll choose a happy song tomorrow. However, I do feel that the dread has passed, probably to some other poor, unsuspecting Millennial. C'est la vie....
"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" Video
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