Continuing on our melancholic mystery tour (see what I did there?), we're going to examine a staple of sad 90s alternative ballads. Long story short - it's a metaphor. Gavin Rossdale wrote "Glycerine" for long-time girlfriend, model Jasmine Lewis. They were together for five years but ended it in the mid-90s. To hear him tell it, it was a good relationship but it became strained when Bush started to gain notoriety and Rossdale was on the road a lot. The long-distance wasn't working and they decided to go their separate ways. Rossdale has been straightforward about what the lyrics mean - Love is like a bomb. Glycerine, in most situations, is a fairly nonvolatile and useful substance. However, when combined with the right ingredients, it is explosive. That's the metaphor. Something that is safe and stable can, under certain circumstances, blow up in your face. Which is why you have to be careful.
Must be your skin that I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why
Everything's gone white
And everything's grey
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
The lyrics comprise a sort of postmortem of Rossdale's breakup with Lewis. He clearly didn't want it to end and it sounds as if he's telling trying to tell her what he was feeling. The long-distance was hard for him, too. I think when a good relationship completely breaks down, it is because something very important wasn't communicated. Usually feelings. One person feels taken for granted but acts like everything is fine. Another person doesn't want to show how invested they are, so they "play it cool" and act distant. The road to heartbreak is paved with words unsaid. Without communication, people fill in the silence with their own narrative, which is usually (but not always) completely wrong and reflects the worst of their insecurities/fears.
I needed you more
You wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
That's just fine
That's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you, you, you
I had a long pop culture rant but it sounded ridiculous and unrelated, so I deleted it. Everything I think sounds ridiculous and unrelated (and delusional, at times) lately. I try to keep most of the crazy confined to my journal so I can save some of the actually smart/thoughtful stuff for here. I'm not sure I have any of that stuff left, to be honest. To quote Nick Miller from "New Girl," my brain feels like spaghetti. The dialogue on that show is truly ace.
The video for "Glycerine" evokes the idea, for me, of memories. Of course, you have Gavin Rossdale playing guitar and looking tortured. That's all good. But then you have these less focused shots of a woman in a bare apartment interspersed with the musical scenes. I love the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." In it, two people, Joel and Clementine, erase their relationship with each other from their memory using new technology. In the film, the audience sees the memories from Joel's perspective as their being erased. At some point, Joel realizes he doesn't really want to forget. I find myself replaying certain memories and I don't know why because it hurts intensely. I just realized today that I'm replaying them so I don't lose them. And that's probably why they are so clear.
Also, it fucking pisses me off that this song uses the British spelling. Just thought I'd throw that out there, just in case anyone else felt the same. You're not alone.
I downloaded the original version of this song by Swedish electropop duo, The Knife, in a free mix from some music website about 10 years ago. Legally free music was actually quite easy to find back in the day but these mixes were always kind of a crapshoot. I, of course, wanted to like everything I found. But even I have limits (overextended and nebulous as they may be). "Heartbeats" was one of those rare gems I liked from the beginning. Catchy, upbeat but with lyrics that were surprisingly pensive. The original is also a really good running song. Electropop in general is good for cardio. "Heartbeats" has a slow tempo and steady rhythm that is excellent for cool down periods. Also, you gotta love any song that includes liberal use of the marimba. I'm pretty sure it's the law.
One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade
The Jose Gonzalez version is a bit of an indie darling and a go-to soundtrack staple for melancholic independent romances and poignant moments in dramatic television shows. Listen for something like it whenever the protagonist is missing his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he did or said something stupid. Bonus points if he's using the time to pursue his lost passion as the script beats a crescendo into a dramatic romantic gesture. It's easily one of those songs that has been pushed to the point of overuse in popular media, from commercials to film and TV, and most people don't even realize it. You have definitely heard this song if you've seen the following movies or TV shows: Scrubs; Bones; The Blacklist; This is Us; Superstore; Donkey Punch; Everything, Everything; and One Tree Hill. There's probably more and there will be more. The sentiment it expresses is universal and this interpretation exemplifies the virtues of the indie acoustic genre. Gentle, honest, and folksy - just how all songs about heartbreak should be....well, when they aren't dark, cryptic, and don't have a totally necessary violin solo. You read that right. Totally necessary. Always.
And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolfs teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night
To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
"Heartbeats" is about a short-lived relationship and it calls to mind a particular indie film. Screened's series "What's the point of a Doomed Romance?" did a lovely video essay on "Lost in Translation." This film goes over the few short days the two characters have to connect before they have to go their separate ways. Both Bob and Charlotte are feeling lost - literally lost and confused in the foreign country (Japan) they find themselves stuck in and metaphorically lost in life. They don't know what they want, they don't know what to do next, and they don't know how to get unstuck. They are reaching out for a lifeline when they find each other and form an emotional bond. When it ends, they both know they will need to get their shit together and make some hard decisions about the direction they want to go. For the span of the film, however, the relationship is a refuge. It relieves them from some of the pain they've been feeling. It makes them feel seen, heard, and understood, for the first time in a long time. And during that reprieve from real life, Bob and Charlotte are able to clearly understand what it is they're missing. "Heartbeats" is about a similar experience - two people jumping full force into a connection. A connection that just flows, where nothing they say to each other is stupid and the two people in it feel alive. And then the weight of uncertainty settles in. Will it go anywhere? Can it go anywhere? Or is it destined to be just this beautiful, fleeting thing? The song captures a moment so rare and magical, people only experience it once, if at all.
COVID Update: Feeling a little better. The scary stuff - feeling completely disconnected from my children; feeling helpless and inadequate at doing anything; irrational fears about miscarrying, having a stillbirth, or dying in childbirth; being afraid I was hurting my baby by being utterly incompetent as a mother - seems to have passed. Still struggling with a lot of guilt, especially guilt about not asking for help earlier. I wonder if things would've gone better. I have an aching feeling they would have but I have a bad habit of thinking I can handle things perfectly well on my own, even when I can feel myself drowning. Is it pride? Maybe. But it's probably more about self-preservation. A false belief that if I don't need or want anything from anyone, that makes me a good person. Essentially, as long as I martyr myself, everyone else will be okay, which means that I'll be okay. Nothing and no one can hurt me. To be honest, I think it took so long to decide to get counseling because being depressed this time didn't really feel abnormal. It just felt like what I've been dealing with my whole life and, like with most people, it took a real crisis for me to recognize I can't keep handling this by myself.
Along with normal talk therapy, I've fallen down the rabbit hole of Attachment Theory on YouTube. I learned I have a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment type, which is a mashup of all the insecure attachment types and is typical for people with abusive/neglectful/traumatic childhoods. I am Harlow's Monkey. I linked a brief video explaining that reference, because I currently have neither the energy nor the patience to explain even the basics of those experiments. The gist is people given conflicting messages about care and love - for example, getting their basic needs met but being treated coldly, without affection or even with clear abuse - grow up with equally conflicted reactions to love and intimacy. They desperately crave it and yet get scared and/or detached when they're receiving it. This leads to hot/cold behavior and a tendency to either be averse to commitment or staying in shallow, unfulfilling (and - in extreme cases - toxic or abusive) relationships for much longer than is healthy. And that's why I got a psychology degree - to psychoanalyze myself...yet I still ended up having to go to therapy. I do find it fascinating. It's interesting to connect the dots and understand how all these psychological theories fit together to create a unique psyche and how coping/defense mechanisms arose to protect it. No less fascinating is diving into the counseling methodologies that have been developed to help rebuild a person when mental crisis hits. As someone who was very into self-help books and personal development from an early age, I think learning how therapy works is equally as helpful as the therapy itself, simply because it's not affordable for everyone to get help from a professional. A lot of people only have YouTube videos to understand what they are going through and what they need to do to get better. People do what they can. I'm so lucky to have options I do.
Sharing both The Knife version and the Jose Gonzalez version, because they are so different from each other. It's always a nice surprise to find a cover of a song done in a disparate style that is able to show a new aspect of the lyrics. Enjoy!
I've been struggling for the past couple of weeks, since the baby was born. Apparently, postpartum depression (PPD) can start while you're still pregnant, which puts everything I was feeling since last February in perspective. Things I thought I was managing well became absolutely unbearable in those first few days in the hospital (and further exacerbated by the strict COVID precautions). Then we had some trouble with my newborn losing weight and I was genuinely scared they weren't going to release us. Since then, I've just been feeling so guilty and disconnected, it's been hard to take care of myself. My doctor prescribed some medication - I'm debating whether or not I should take them. I know medication can work, but it's only one piece of the puzzle. Part of me says I should just white-knuckle through and try to manage with just therapy, because I've been through tough times before and I've never needed medication. And I know how sideways things can go when someone is prescribed the wrong psychotropic drug. I'm not sure that's a risk I want to take. I'm not convinced OB/GYNs know enough about perinatal psychiatry to go around writing prescriptions. Some days, I have good moments. Moments, mind you. Not full days yet. I just want to feel happy again. I should feel happier.
Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time's forever frozen still
True to form, I've been trying to cheer myself up by watching and reading romantic stories. I'm rereading "Pride & Prejudice" for the 5th time in my life and even deigned to watch the Kiera Knightly film adaptation (which, aside from the historical costuming inaccuracies, really isn't that bad - I've watched it twice in the past few months). I've also been consumed by the book "Me Before You" and its subsequent film adaptation, for which "Photograph" was used in the trailer. From the beginning, it's a doomed romance. A woman is hired to be a companion for a quadriplegic who wants to die. His family is trying to change his mind, of course, and that's part of the reason they bring on Louisa. To convince him there are still things worth living for, even if it's not the life he wanted. Louisa falls in love with him, despite knowing he has a date with an assisted suicide clinic. There's a bit of this childish hope in Louisa, clinging to a belief that "Love conquers all." When Will ultimately chooses to go through with his plan, it's not because he doesn't love Louisa. He does. But he wants her to have a life he can't give her (which she honestly doesn't care about - she's willing to make it work). He still wants a life he'll never have again. Even though she doesn't agree with it, Lou chooses to be with him in his last moments. And I think that's what characterizes a doomed romance the most. There's a moment where the characters have a choice between the destined path and the interpreted path. They both have to choose the destined path to get a chance at the fairytale happy ending. To quote Leo in "Titanic," "if you jump, I jump." In a doomed romance, they choose opposite paths - i.e., one or both choose the interpreted path - which takes them apart. Not to be mistaken with the Tragic Romance, in which they both choose the Destined Path but are torn apart by external forces (i.e., Romeo & Juliet, Titanic, Tristan & Isolde). Will Trainor didn't have to die, he chose to die, even when presented with a happy alternative life with Louisa.
The reason Will Trainor gives for going through with his original decision is something most of us don't want to hear - Love isn't enough. Sometimes it's not enough to keep going, it's not enough to stay, it's not enough to change someone's mind, it's not enough to make people change. It's not enough to stop Death or cure illness (physical or mental) or fix past mistakes. And this hurts because, deep in our hearts, we believe something as powerful as Love should be able to do all that. The question a Doomed Romance presents us is - if you knew from the start things would end this way, would you still have fallen in love? I've been watching a YouTube series by Screened which examines the question "what is the point of a doomed romance?" through the analysis of several excellent films. The main "point" of these romances, according to Screened, is for the inner growth of the main character. The relationship and its subsequent failure(s) serves to awaken something in the protagonist. In "500 Days of Summer," Tom was idealizing his relationship with Summer to avoid the very real lack of purpose in his life. In "Lost in Translation," both characters are lacking deep connections in their lives. In "Me Before You," Louisa was playing it safe - in love and life - out of fear of being hurt again. The point is these characters get a renewed outlook on life - they come out of the doomed romance wiser, braver, and stronger than they were before. The romance becomes a vehicle for personal growth in these stories.
When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,
"Wait for me to come home"
None of this has anything to do with the song, of course. Ed Sheeran has two types of songs - catchy pop love songs and songs that sound like they were specifically written for people to choose as their wedding song. Even when he collaborates, he follows this basic pattern. "Photograph" fits in the latter category, as you may have guessed. I like to play it when I'm feeding the baby, when I'm not singing to him. This song, right now, makes me cry a lot. I don't know why. Probably because it's fucking Ed Sheeran. The song is about staying connected during a long-distance relationship. Or I suppose it's applicable whenever you have to be away from someone and you only have a photograph to remember them by.
This will probably be my last post for a while. For at least a couple weeks while I'm on maternity leave. Today is Baby Brother's birthday. As such, I've decided to share one of his favorite songs to listen to on the Belly Buds. I expect he'll be one of those kids who loves Halloween, judging by his music taste and astrological placements (that Mercury in Scorpio and very close to being a Scorpio Rising....depends if things happen on time). I have a feeling he and his brother are going to be as different as Night and Day. Luckily, I like to think I'm a mixture of both so it'll be fun.
Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh, let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
I love The Civil Wars. Every one of their songs is imbued with that Southern Gothic spookiness I adore so much. Even the love songs. Especially the love songs. This particular one showed up in a listening session that included The Decemberists and The Jane Austen Argument. I feel it fits someone with a mixture of Libra and Scorpio placements. This kid is going to be quite the character. It's a cover of a Leonard Cohen song (another favorite), which The Civil Wars turned into a duet. I love duets and, in this interpretation, it works very well. They cut it short, though, ending it before the last two verses. Since it's so short, I included all the lyrics this in this post. Enjoy!
Well, I was supposed to be in Houston yesterday to attend a My Chemical Romance concert, a stop during their Reunion Tour. At the time I bought the tickets (which are worth every penny), I didn't know I was pregnant and I wasn't expecting COVID-19 to spiral into a worldwide pandemic that would put concerts and other large gathering on hold for more than a year. As it stands, it's very possible I might've gone into labor at the concert, so I'm super happy that it's been postponed until September 2021. By that time, I will definitely not be pregnant, Baby Brother will be old enough to be left with a babysitter, and maybe the world will be in a better place when it comes to the pandemic. That last one is probably wishful thinking but anything could happen in another year.
Gravity don't mean too much to me
I'm who I've got to be
These pigs are after me, after you
Run away like it was yesterday
And we could run away
If we could run away
Run away from here
For the past year or so, I've been reacquainting myself with My Chemical Romance's body of work. I stopped listening incessantly after "The Black Parade." Not because I didn't like the album - some of my favorite MCR songs are on it - but just because I moved to a different place in my life. As such, I'm not as familiar with their fourth concept album - "Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." It's based on a limited comic book series that Gerard Way wrote about a group of rebels living in a post-apocalyptic world. I know. It seems extremely apt for our current times. Also, just to make the MCR/Gerard Way immersion complete, I've been watching "The Umbrella Academy" on Netflix, which is also brilliant. At some point, I'll buy the graphic novel, but I'm enjoying the show so far. I'm not too far into it yet - I'm trying to save it for those late nights with Baby Brother. And another season of Sabrina is on the way, too. I've said it once and I'll say it again - this kid has timing.
Hold your heart into this darkness
Will it ever be the light to shine you out
Or fail and leave you stranded
Or are you gonna be the one left standing?
You're gonna be the one left standing
You're gonna be the one left standing
Back to the song, Gerard Way said it was about the romantic notion of leaving behind small town life for something bigger. In his words, "It's a fictional, metaphorical song really, but one about leaving home and running away – about doing whatever you can to run away." It's a song about taking your life into your own hands and not looking back. And ignoring what others say about what you should do. It takes a stance that people who listen to everyone else's shoulds and oughttas never experience true freedom. This is in line with the plot of "The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys." The villain in the comics is a corporation called Better Living Industries whose goal is to "strip citizens of their individuality." And, holy shit, if that isn't a message for today, I don't know what is. Better living through consumerism, you're happier if you just do what you're told. The heroine is simply named The Girl and she has a simple choice - join the mindless masses or go her own way and inspire others to break free. If you're familiar with the cult classic, "Tank Girl" starring Lori Petty, it's clear a lot of inspiration (as well as the aesthetic) was pulled from the movie.
Gravity don't mean too much to me Is this our destiny? This world is after me, after you
On a somewhat related note, I regret signing up for a baby registry. Boxes keep showing up and I'm just like, "I can do without most of this shit....what happened to trying to downsize?" For the past year, I've been trying to limit my purchases to things that truly bring me joy or are things I actually need. I've been trying to avoid not to buy too much mass-produced shit from Amazon and actively purchase items that are sustainably produced (and don't have any slave labor in their production chain, which is harder than it sounds). I fucked that up horribly by setting up a baby registry. My punishment has been trying to recycle all the boxes when they only pick up recycling once a week and trying to find places to store all the baby stuff. Apparently, I have been "nesting" according to the Internet but it comes in bursts. Some moments, I will absolutely need to clean something because it's driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else; other times, I want to clean but I'm too exhausted. I'm almost there, just a week (maybe two) more.
I fell into a Matchbox 20 hole recently which, in my book, is a pretty good hole to fall in. I'm just now realizing how much my tastes at 15-years-old were those of a 30-year-old man. Makes sense, because that's the only demographic that seemed to really matter to music execs during that time, before they realized how much money teenaged girls actually have to spend. Cue the rise (and subsequent market domination) of pop music, Taylor Swift, and every Disney Channel/Nickelodeon starlet churning out an album. Matchbox 20's 2002 album, "More Than You Think You Are," was on constant repeat in my Walkman. I listened to this album so much that my favorite songs were all scratched up and skipped horribly by the time I made the transition to an mp3 player. As I was listening to the album again, I was reminded how brilliant the songs on this album were, how vulnerable the lyrics Rob Thomas and other band members were writing during this time. Released at the height of their popularity, it's an underrated album - it wasn't as successful as their previous albums and was probably the start of their gradual decent into late 90s/early 00s playlists. But it meant something to me.
Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah
I'm in the process of reading several psychology books and watching a lot of therapy-related YouTube videos - a process commonly called "self-healing," which has become popular in spiritual communities. For good reason, of course. A lot of what holds us back is based in the pain we hold on to. The false beliefs we still don't realize are defense mechanisms and excuses for not moving forward. And dedication to protecting our core wounds rather than facing them head on to really examine where they come from. Because it hurts. I know it hurts. I'm reading this book called "Inner Bonding" by Dr. Margaret Paul. Inner Bonding is a therapy methodology she developed for her patients to work with their Inner Child. It's very closely related to the idea of reparenting, in which you become the parent you wish you had when you were actually a child. Some may write it off as hippie nonsense, but most of the work is cultivating self-compassion, self-validation, learning how to meet your own emotional needs, and listening to your inner voice. Something people with healthy levels of self-esteem and who recognize their self-worth already know how to do. Spoiler alert: There's actually not very many of those people. There's a lot of reasons for that, many of which are rooted in our culture, societal expectations, and ancestral trauma, but that's a rant for another day.
Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you
You wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind
After reading all this stuff and going through my own journey, I've found I don't really have sustained negative feelings towards others. Even people who have hurt me - I may have a flash of anger in the moment but I calm down quick, especially if I have a minute to myself. I'm able to remember who I want to be, remember that I'm interconnected with this other person, and I don't know what their struggle has been like. We only see the situation from our perspective, through our lens of hurt. The weird thing about Inner Child work is the more you focus on your own Child, you start to see other people as a reflection of their Inner Child, and it becomes easier to be a more compassionate adult. There's a common saying in the counseling community: "Hurt people hurt people." While it's often said as a warning about getting involved with others, it's also a reminder to address your own wounds first, so you don't unintentionally hurt others. It stops you from saying that clever-yet-hurtful zinger during drinks with coworker or raising your voice in anger when your child disobeys you or crossing someone's boundaries because it felt like rejection to you. Things we often do without thinking, because we're on autopilot. Mindfulness and therapy get you off autopilot and the world is a better place for it. And yes, that's a hill I'm willing to die on.
Some day they'll open up your world Shake it down on a drawing board Do their best to change you They still can't erase you
This song could be imagined from the point of view of an old boyfriend singing to a girl who has gone off to find her place in the world. I, however, have always thought of it as being sung to the girl by someone she's imagining, like an imaginary friend or perhaps her Inner Adult. I was sparked by something Dr. Paul said in her book. When we are weeping and in distress, we often long for someone to comfort us - the Ideal Partner or Perfect Parent - and are often disappointed when the person cast in that role either doesn't show up in the desired way or doesn't show up at all. She goes on to say we have to be that comfort for ourselves - we have to be willing to show up for ourselves, to say "I'm here and I won't leave you in your time of need."
So lay all your troubles down I am with you now
I like to think I'm really easy to calm down when I'm upset. All I want, all I'm looking for, is for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. It seems simple, until you have to cross the ocean of human complexity. Most people aren't equipped to understand that - they are too lost in their own trauma and act in ways they don't fully understand. Often, they react out of fear - fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure. That's when the inner bonding process helps. You have to be the person who validates your experiences, who tries to soothe your pain. The person who affirms you didn't deserve to be screamed at or hit for making a small mistake; you didn't deserve to be ignored and neglected; that you have a right to your feelings and thoughts, no matter how uncomfortable it might make others. I like to read the comments on the videos I watch while I listen to whatever I'm learning. Lately, it's just hard because when people share their stories, my heart goes out to them. I'm sorry someone is treating you/treated you so horribly. I'm sorry that person is your parent, your spouse, your sibling, or your friend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who are loving and compassionate all the time, not when it's convenient for them. I can't tell that to everyone, but based what I'm understanding from Dr. Paul's work, I can start with myself and work outward from there.
I didn't understand it at the time but "Hand Me Down" was what I played when I needed to feel comforted. When I was feeling particularly isolated and sad, like when I found myself hiding in a closet. I don't think I pictured anyone in particular singing it to me, it was just the lyrics. It sounded like the girl Rob Thomas was singing to wanted to be an actress and, at 15-years-old, I very much related to that. I don't want to be an actress anymore - I loved it at the time and I learned so many lessons from it, but I realized pretty quickly that, even though I had the talent, I didn't have the level of passion needed to make it. And that's what you really need to pull through when you're feeling rejected and not good enough. You have to have a passion for your own dreams, your own vision of your life. And when even that's not working, there's songs like this to get you through those rough nights. I hope someone out there finds comfort in it.
In line with the moniker "Super Serious September," this month is National Suicide Awareness Month. I've discussed my own experiences in the past but that doesn't mean it's completely in my past. In fact, suicidal ideation has been a looming shadow of mine who pops up from time to time. Just to remind me he's there. From my Tea with Demons personification, he's an abnormally tall man in a suit. A little bit like Slenderman but more emo because he has the face of a sallow-skinned teenager. Like Oren, from "Parks & Rec" but with longer hair. Sometimes, he'll hang out a bit longer, peering over my shoulder, whispering things I know aren't true but in such a gentle manner, he almost sounds reasonable. Awful things like "people only like you because you let them take advantage of you" and "if you were worth the effort, others wouldn't have any issues meeting your needs." And, of course, the usual insecurities around being ugly and fat are exacerbated because I am literally carrying around a small child's worth of extra weight (which is within the recommended target for my size). The last 8 months - the last year - has been a roller coaster for me. But, strangely enough, personifying this grim figure actually makes it easier. It gives me someone to say "Fuck off" to when scary thoughts arise.
I heard that you've been
Self-medicating in the quiet of your room,
Your sweet, suburban tomb.
And if you need a friend,
I'll help you stitch up your wounds.
I heard that you've been
Having some trouble finding your place in the world.
I know how much that hurts,
But if you need a friend
Then please just say the word
Throughout my life, I've dealt with episodes of high-functioning depression. High-functioning because I continue to do well at work/school and my struggle is not obvious to others because I have a tendency to "put on a happy face." However, I'm not completely without symptoms - someone who is observant might notice I'm more quiet than usual, lose weight/eat less, and have stopped doing things that make me happy (like reading, writing, or watching movies). These episodes have become fewer and farther between, thanks to bouts of therapy and continual inner work. However, I've been plagued by prenatal depression this pregnancy and I've had moments so despondent, I had forgotten what it felt like to be that sad. It makes me worried about my impending postpartum period, because I know my mom struggled with PPD. Don't get me wrong - it's not about the baby. Although he was unexpected, he is so wanted and he's been wanted for a long time. In a way, he has been my brother-in-arms during this time, always there, a constant reminder of the good things in my life. Honestly, I've seen this time as just another depressive episode in my life, I just happen to be pregnant this time. And yes, suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind several times in the past few months - but when they do, I find it helpful to imagine how things would play out to their eventual end. Imagining the thud I would make after falling three stories or watching the 5L of blood I'm currently carrying around spreading on the floor very quickly scares the idea right out of my head. Because I know that's not what I want, no matter how bad things feel or how impossible circumstances seem right now.
My go-to response when someone asks me if I'm okay....
Throughout it all, there's been this feeling of being unable to escape. Being completely powerless to make the changes I needed to move forward, despite my best efforts. And being pregnant added to that sense of being limited and not having options. To make things worse, my main coping method - being connected to people and helping others - was severely curtailed due to the pandemic. There were no parties to plan, no projects that required me to stay late at the office, and my plan to visit my family for my son's 4th birthday were dashed. And reaching out when everyone is isolated has never been easy for me. I've gotten out of the habit of calling people "just to talk" and, to be honest, there really isn't that many people I feel comfortable doing that with anyway. It makes me feel needy and vulnerable - because I am needy and vulnerable. Despite my quiet exterior, I have a high desire for communication and deep conversation. I like the feeling of having people around me and being able to see their faces when I talk to them. Maybe this makes me a "bad goth" but I never liked the whole "Normal people scare me" and "I hate people" trend within the goth community. My standard for the goth aesthetic is Morticia and Gomez, and they fucking loved people and were unconditionally accepting of others eccentricities. That's what sets them apart from other sitcom couples. They weren't two incompatible people trying to make it work because that's what society says they have to do, but two highly compatible people who accept their authentic selves and are dedicated to supporting each other in a world that thinks they both are weird. That's the Dream, that's what we aim for. Other people are essential to our well-being and the right people can make you feel invincible, even against overwhelming odds.
Hold on tight,
This ride is a wild one,
Make no mistake,
The day will come when you can't cover up what you've done,
Now don't lose your fight, kid,
It only takes a little push to pull on through,
With so much left to do,
You'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you.
"Missing You" is about how important it is for us to try to make a connection with others, even when they seem unwilling. The number one reason I often won't talk to someone about what I'm feeling is because I don't want to be a burden to them. And most people are nervous about pressing others for details, because they don't want to be intrusive, even if they suspect something is off. People with high-functioning depression are often the ones who succeed in their suicide attempts. Because the assumption is if you're able to do your job and volunteer and take care of your kids, you must be doing great. But what is usually happening is a combination of denial and feeling like you have to be strong for others. Just in case someone needs to hear it - It's okay to let someone to be strong for you, for once. Most people would be grateful for the opportunity, because your life matters to them. Some people have even been where you are and are willing to help you navigate the journey out. Ultimately, though, you have to make that decision yourself. You have to do it for yourself and no one else. Whatever you need to do to climb out of the abyss. I feel like I'm coming out of it now, but it's taken a lot of work and compassionate self-talk to get here. And I know it's been frightening for my family because suddenly, this woman they've never seen cry was crying all the time, like I couldn't control it. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe control is over-rated. Maybe it doesn't really exist at all.
Grit your teeth, pull your hair,
Paint the walls black and scream, "Fuck the world
'Cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back, "
And never for a second blame yourself.
So how do you escape the inescapable? Aside from human connection, I've found that the next step is making a choice to do something different. This is where a lot of people get tripped up, because they fear change. Or they're angry and resentful that they have to put in the effort when others don't. That's so unfair! Why can't my life just get better on it's own? Why can't others change? Why does it have to be me? Those thoughts may seem childish but we've all been there. And the answer is equally unfair. You can only change what you can control - and our sphere of influence is disappointingly small. Additionally, you can only control yourself - you can't do others work for them (and failure at trying to get others to help themselves often exacerbates our own misery). Like everything, it's about making a commitment and starting small before tackling the major stuff (like addressing trauma or making major life changes). Dr. Nicole LePera and other psychologists I've been watching recommend taking advantage of pattern interrupts. Once you're in a depression, you go into a state of inertia. You don't do self-care things - like showering, cleaning, or calling a friend, the exact things that could help them not be depressed - because even these simple things seem too overwhelming to attempt. You're in a pattern of being depressed. A pattern interrupt is exactly how it sounds - instead of continuing the pattern you've gotten into during a depressed state, you force yourself to do something else. It's often an action so small as to be meaningless. A minute of meditation. Reading a page in a book. Or, for example, if you've stopped exercising during your depressed state, maybe you interrupt your pattern by just putting on your workout clothes. That's all you have to do. Often, the act of putting on your clothes triggers the routine to continue with your work out because you've already put in effort. And even if you don't go through with the workout, that small step of progress builds confidence. When it comes to self-care, routine habits are crucial. It may not sound sexy but scheduling in time to watch your favorite movie or forcing yourself to journal for two minutes has a profound effect on your brain's chemical structure. It's these small acts of taking back control of your life that pave the way for bigger changes. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.
I've been listening to this song a lot during Virgo season. I find it comforting. The lyrics remind me of my own struggles and I especially like the bridge. "Fuck the world 'cause it's my life/I'm gonna take it back/And never for a second blame yourself." I often feel responsible for keeping others happy and checking in on them, for taking care of them. For a long time, I felt guilty when I missed a phone call from my mom or for not wanting to visit for the holidays. I'd work for hours, not taking breaks, because I wanted to prove my worth. But after spending years burning myself out trying to be there for everyone, I eventually learned the only person whose happiness I'm responsible for is my own. And if I wanted to be happy, I needed to take action myself. I'll end with the following quote by Charles Bukowski, which I very much relate to: "I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen but as the years wasted on, nothing ever did unless I caused it."
Coincidentally, Bukowski has several planets in Virgo, including his Moon.
