"She Knows" by J.Cole (feat. Amber Coffman and Cults)

I'm up at 3:30am and - instead of lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, like I do most work nights - I'm leaning into it. I can tell I have a high level of anxiety in my body. And I haven't written in a while. Haven't been able to gather the brain power, but I'll speak on that more later (in a very belated birthday post). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and as such, this post might be more stream of consciousness than anything I would normally put on this blog. It's not even much about the song, even though I know it's the inspiration that's getting me writing this morning. It's a banger that I keep hearing on Instagram reels. I decided to hunt down and listen to the full version on Spotify - best decision I've made in the past couple hours, mos def. 

Bad things happen to the people you love

And you find yourself praying up to heaven above

But honestly, I've never had much sympathy

'Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me

In about 24 hours, I'll be on a plane to Houston to go see the My Chemical Romance concert. An event I've been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. I bought the tickets the day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who will turn two in about two weeks. Yep, you did the math right - the original concert was supposed to happen when I was about 9-months pregnant. And yes, I was fully intending to go, belly and all. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking that day, but I can tell you I had been panicking and crying a lot. For various reasons, most of which were my own fault. The Universe (and the COVID-19 pandemic) had other plans and the timing actually worked out in my favor. Now, the concert is more like a little vacation for me than an overnight trip. It's supposed to be relaxing. But I'm anxious - about leaving my children, about flying (which I haven't done in over three years - even though I love flying usually), about the hotel reservations, about whether these new-fangled digital tickets will work when I get to the door, about getting out of a concert late at night in a strange city, about not going to work (I have taken very little PTO since I started....8 months ago)...you get the idea. There's a level of restlessness in my body that's hard to handle. And even though I spent all yesterday cleaning and our rental house is the tidiest I've seen it since we moved in, I find myself finding small, meaningless tasks to occupy my hands. 

I almost don't want to go, which is crazy. Not only did I (and my parents - the plane tickets were my birthday gift) spend a lot of money on this trip, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I missed my chance when MCR was originally really big. I was in my late teens/early 20s and a broke college student - concerts weren't exactly in my budget, even though some really good ones passed through Pan-Am Center while I was at NMSU. And considering how much of my life has been dedicated to music, I don't go to concerts very often, and I wish I could. Adulthood, am I right? I can't stay home - I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, like I always do, I'm going to suck it up and push through, in spite of the anxiety and fear, because I have no other choice. I've never had any other choice.

Got me up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

I be up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

The weird thing about being on a healing/spiritual journey (what...you thought I was writing about music?) is that I'm painfully aware of my patterns. This one - a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, "The Big Leap" - is an Upper Limit Problem. Essentially, when something good is happening in our life, we find ways to sabotage it because we've been conditioned that we don't deserve good things, we don't deserve happiness. Our mind manufactures drama to bring us down from the high, to "safe" emotional levels. Mind you, these emotional levels might not even really be safe - our standard emotional level may be chronic depression, addiction, suicidal ideation, self-destruction, or high-functioning anxiety. There are a lot of good things in my life right now and even though I don't have everything I want, there's a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself of that every morning - yes, I have a gratitude practice where I write down three things I'm grateful for daily. It's a practice I've kept up for 650+ days straight (according to my app) - I started it shortly after my youngest was born, when I was in the depths of PPD. It helps - I'm a much happier person than I was back then. 

Which brings me to my Upper Limit Problem - I tend to get really anxious and fearful when I'm looking forward to something or I'm in a situation that makes me really happy. I know why this is - good things were always intertwined with anxiety and fear when I was growing up. Delicious food was always tainted with comments about my body or weight (same with nice, new clothes - hence why I don't often buy clothes for myself and certainly not the kind of clothes I want to wear); my dad being home would often mean overhearing scary arguments/fights and eventually, he would leave on deployment; a trip to Disneyland (or any other family vacation) could quickly turn south if my mom had a mood swing (which was pretty much every trip). I always got straight As, lead roles in theatre, solos in choir - but none of this ever came with praise. It barely even got attention, so if I seem weirded out by compliments and congratulations, it's because nothing I've ever done seemed to warrant it. The irony of my life is that I yearn to be seen and understood, yet actually getting what I want makes me deeply uncomfortable, even scared. And that leads to me downplaying it or fucking things up in some way. It's a large part of what stops me from seriously trying to publish my writing (a hurdle I'm still working through). And the truth is that - for a brief, shining moment in my life - I was able to forget some of those insecurities and fears. And I lost it, and I've been spending the last few years trying to get it back. A YouTube creator I follow explained the journey like a snow globe - if you want the pretty snow (or glitter), you have to be able to handle the shake-up. The shake-up is the hard part where you have to confront your triggers, fears, and insecurities and do the work to get past them. I suppose I'm still in the shake-up.

Only bad thing 'bout a star is they burn up

Rest in peace to Aaliyah

Rest in peace to Left Eye (Left Eye)

Michael Jackson, I'll see ya

Just as soon as I die (I die)

I've been listening to "She Knows" on repeat while I've been writing this. I said this post didn't really have anything to do with the song but, in it's own way, it describes the Upper Limit Problem. The singer is succeeding in one part of his life (his career) but totally messing up another part of his life (his relationship). He is so focused on his own stardom and playing a role - and he finds himself justifying the things he's doing. She knows....heck, she's probably even doing the same thing. Underneath it all, it's this very real fear that he doesn't deserve any of it - the career, the fame, the fortune, and a happy relationship. That he's not good enough for any of it, that he can't be what they want him to be.

Well, all right, oh, I, oh, I-I-I

I can't be what you want from me, well, all right

I don't know if any of the above made sense but thanks for reading this rant. I feel better now.

"She Knows" Video

Double Feature: Machine Gun Kelly

Last Thursday, I was feeling kind of low on the drive into work. I could hardly focus on the Nightlight Astrology podcast I was listening to. Personal troubles were on my mind. I could hear Acuyta Bhava-Das talking about Mars conjunct Mercury in Pisces, relating it to this idea of not forcing things. When my heart is sunken like this, it is my habit of turning to the Universe for guidance. And, yes, much like the crazy person I am, I asked the Universe what I needed to know and what I needed to do. At this point, Acuyta is explaining about moving forward with grace and how, when we feel strongly about something, when we believe in something with our whole heart, some people may lose sight of the need for grace and compassion in favor of convincing others of their position. I'm no stranger to this - with my Mercury in Cancer opposite Neptune in Capricorn, my talent with words can often be combined with an almost preternatural gift of pinpointing another's weakness and fears. Mostly to hide how easily they could destroy me, if they wanted. My bark is worse than my bite, and I don't bark often anymore. And I feel defenseless. We'll circle back around to that idea but, first, my conversation with the mysterious sky spirits who live in my car. Specifically the radio, because many of my messages come in the form of music. And when I disconnected my phone, the song on the radio was Rihanna's "Love on the Brain."

You may notice this post is not about Rihanna. Don't get me wrong - her original version of "Love on the Brain" is a masterpiece and beautiful in its own right. But this is one of those rare occasions where I love the cover more. In fact, I love the cover so much that I wish he had done an actual recording of the whole song, not just a snippet for YouTube. During COVID lockdowns, to keep busy, MGK would call up his various celebrity/musician friends and ask them for a song request for him to cover. "Love on the Brain," inexplicably, was Marilyn Manson's suggestion. And the world is better for it.

There are few songs that express the pain of loving someone as exquisitely as "Love on the Brain." The best part of the song is that it is raw. The singer - whether it be Rihanna or MGK - is defenseless. It's important to note where each of the singers were when they either wrote or recorded this song. Rihanna was in a seriously abusive relationship with Chris Brown and in April 2020, MGK was falling in love (or was already in love) with someone who was still married (Megan Fox). In general, though, the song speaks to any type of situationship, where someone has fallen deep and the other person uses them (for sex, attention, to play a role in their life, favors, as a convenient punching bag) because they can. It's cruel. I read somewhere - probably in a pithy Instagram post - that the person who loves less has the power. I think this song is a testament to that, in some ways. Both Rihanna and MGK have strong Pisces placements and Pisces is associated with self-sacrifice and this idea that one would rather suffer if it means their loved ones would be happy. In the song, it's clear that the singer will take whatever the object of their affection is willing to give, even if it's only breadcrumbs.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

Love, if you ask the cynics, is just a complex cocktail of hormones and emotions, mostly driven by your own special psychological tragic backstory. I watched a TED talk once about a woman's experience trying to get over her ex. She went to a neuroscientist and they did scans of her brain. They showed her the parts of her brain that lit up when she thought of her ex and they said "we can get rid of this for you." But why? Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yourself? Did you even watch that movie?!!! The whole point of the movie is that, even though it's painful, that part is worth keeping. That love is worth keeping, even if it has ended, even if it tears you apart inside. Because most people don't really ever get the chance feel that deeply about anything. Maybe that's my Scorpio Moon talking.

The next song I want to talk about is the song MGK performed at the Billboard Music Awards a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful selection from his most recent album, "mainstream sellout," which was released this past March - a song aptly named, "twin flame." The whole Twin Flame thing has really grown in the past few years, especially in the spiritual community (you can't really avoid it now whereas you never heard of it before 2019). We can go into all the reasons it's problematic, chief among them is that it's a favorite lovebombing tactic of narcissists and other psychological abusers to tell someone that they're their "soulmate/twin flame" and, unconsciously, the victim/survivor accepts bad behavior out of some corrupted idea of this person being their one and only love. Nope, not going into that, because it makes me really sad and I love the romance between MGK and Megan Fox. It's beautiful and it's real and gives me faith that real love exists, so if they want to believe they're twin flames - fuck it! - they're twin flames. 

MGK wrote this song back before they truly started dating - around the same time he did the "Love on the Brain" cover I ranted about above - and you can tell he still feels this strongly (perhaps even more so) about her two years later. That's how I know it's real. They've both had a lot of time to get to know each other's authentic selves and, instead of being disappointed and let down, they seem even more in love. They don't fight - I'm sure they have disagreements but not relationship rupturing screaming matches. They both are publicly very supportive of each other's careers. Neither of them act jealous or possessive and when situations like that come up, they reaffirm their commitment to the other. MGK famously told a fan (who asked him to suck her toes) that "there's only one set of toes I'm sucking from now on." And you kind of get a taste of the depth of how much MGK loves Megan in the "twin flame" lyrics. 

Some context - Megan Fox was separated from her current husband (Brian Austin Green) when she met MGK. Now, they say their divorce was amicable - and it was, for the most part - but divorce is never pleasant. Green continually asserted that he still loved Megan and often used their children publicly to subtly manipulate her into feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. Something I'm sure MGK noticed because, when someone you love is hurting, how can you ignore it? Long story short, MGK and Megan's relationship started off as "It's Complicated." So that's what's encapsulated in the lyrics - a mix of emotions resulting from being in love with someone you can't quite be with (yet).

It's been six days since the last time

I saw your face and you asked my sign

I told you mine, I questioned why

And you said, "Everything's aligned"

On the first day, you told me

I was your twin flame from a past life

And tonight, the moon is full

So take me anywhere outside

I cannot kiss you yet, you're magic

So I'll just stare at you instead

I get insecure and panic

'Cause I know you're too pure for this

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? The song starts when Megan and MGK first met and it's been a few days since he's spent time with her. Megan is interested in spiritual topics (yes, she is the one that declared them to be "twin flames"), one of which being astrology. Now, I don't think she's a total student of astrology to the point where she'd take a 38-week class (like yours truly) but she probably knows enough to be dangerous. I think she probably asked for more than his sign, she probably asked him for his full birth data so she could pull up his chart. And, because he was truly head over heels, he probably hunted down his birth time so he could give it to her. So Astro-Girls, if he asks his mom what time he was born just so you can look up his moons or some shit, he's probably really into you....because most men don't do that for anyone (male astrologers are the exception, not the rule). They usually roll their eyes and act like astrology is weird or stupid. But if he's really interested, he'll want to know as much as he can just so he has a reason to talk to you, which clearly happened with MGK. 

Then there's the chorus. He clearly struggling to believe this is real, that he deserves to be in love and to have a good, healthy relationship with that person. Psychologists say that the most difficult relationship for a lot of people (especially those with traumatic or emotionally neglectful childhoods) is your first healthy one. It's counterintuitive. But a lot of people have been programmed to believe that abuse is love. And when someone shows up who loves them without abuse, they don't trust it. It seems either boring or really scary, and it brings up all sorts of triggers around self-worth. They often think they don't deserve real love, that there's something inherently unlovable and bad about themselves. Or they think it's an elaborate trick - that the other person is lying to them and pretending to love them. Eventually, they believe the other person will stop loving them - will betray them, leave them, hurt them - and they'll be alone. Again. The problem is that this sort of mindset is exactly what ends the healthy relationship. It's hard to love a brick wall, no matter how patient, kind, and loving a person is.

Clearly, MGK got his shit together and things worked out for him and Megan. And I'm here for it. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm sharing the Billboard Music Awards performance but the album version is equally impactful. He shares a snippet from one of his and Megan's phone calls, where he's being vulnerable about how he feels and she tells him she loves him. It's sweet and very personal.

Back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity): I've been really going through it this Mercury Retrograde and Eclipse Season. It's left me feeling stupid, naïve, and drained. The shooting in Uvalde hit a little too close to home and I find myself both in deep grief and wholly enraged. And powerless, let's not forget that. I often use astrology as a meaning making system - we all need one. It helps, when I get frustrated with praying. I've been thinking about the transits to my chart lately. Saturn in going through the 9H and Uranus is wrecking up the 12H. Both Houses have connections to spirituality and deeply held beliefs. The 9H is what you believe on the surface, the 12H is the subconscious. And both are going through a major overhaul, it seems, and what I feel is an intense internal struggle. On the surface, I believe that, no matter what, you keep pushing, you keep working, and eventually, things will happen. All the power I need is within myself - this is a very Jupiter in Aries stance. I am the god of my reality. But underneath, I look around and I feel powerless to change things, even things I'm actively trying to change. It's a crisis of Faith. And I'm barely holding on sometimes but the only thing one can do to get through times like these is to put one foot in front of the other. It may not be much but the other option - standing still, staying stuck - has never appealed to me.

"Dust to Dust" by The Civil Wars

I've been unmotivated to write here lately. Not uninspired - the words and ideas are still flowing. But to do what I want with this blog requires a lot of research and work. And it's hard for me to work right now. I forget how loud my mind gets when I'm not writing a lot. Especially when my consumption of information (reading and learning from podcasts or videos) does not match my creative output - my brain just retains too much. And it feels heavy. It weighs me down, even though it feels like it's moving so fast. It's frustrating, because I'm working so hard to feel better, but it still feels like I'm just treading water. So this one goes out to those who are feeling lost and lonely tonight - I'm with you, my friends.

It's not your eyes

It's not what you say

It's not your laughter

That gives you away

You're just lonely

You've been lonely too long

All your acting, your thin disguise

All your perfectly delivered lines

They don't fool me

You've been lonely too long

I've said it before, but I love The Civil Wars. Definitely a must-have band for any Southern Gothic playlist you might be building. Their music combines two things I adore in music - duets and folksy love songs. And bonus points for the spooky melodies in their repertoire, of which there are many. "Dust to Dust" is not particularly spooky, but it expresses a sentiment I think we all understand from time to time. When you're sad and lonely, there is nothing better than finding someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and understood. There's nothing that heals the soul so much as a deep connection. That's the dream, right? To find the one person who you truly connect with. Who gets it, gets all your weird thoughts and squirmy feelings, and likes you anyway. Someone who it is safe to be your authentic self with. I would argue this is extremely rare and, thus, incredibly special. 

Let me in the walls

You've built around

We can light a match

And burn them down

Let me hold your hand

And dance 'round and 'round the flames

In front of us

Dust to dust

You're like a mirror, reflecting me

Takes one to know one, so take it from me

You've been lonely

You've been lonely too long

We've been lonely

We've been lonely too long

During my research today, I learned that, unfortunately, the Civil Wars broke up in 2014. Not only that, but it was an especially brutal break up. To the point where they don't even talk anymore! When Joy Williams and J.P. White met up in 2009, they had incredible chemistry as a creative duo and quickly started churning out hits. A lot of people assumed this chemistry went deeper, which is understandable - when they performed, it seemed like they were the only two people in the world. So in sync. Even in the video for "Dust to Dust," you can see how much they enjoy being around each other - that's just them hanging out in Paris, no acting needed. People love a salacious backstory, and most performers are willing to give it to them. But here's the thing about chemistry, from a former actress (myself) - it can be faked and it often is by people who don't have the best of intentions. And even if it's real, it burns out quick if there's nothing substantial sustaining it. And if you have both but it's not controlled? It spirals into chaos and ignites everything, to the point of destruction, if you allow it. I'm almost certain they are telling the truth - that they weren't making anything together except music - but the rumors tore them apart anyway. No one knows the situation except them. But it sure is hard to ignore how he looks at her....

It's fun to speculate, but I'm going to still hold out hope that one day, they'll reconcile. Their music is just too good. And J.P. White is my kind of hot - like a Southern Johnny Depp. Which is ridiculous to say, because - fun fact - Johnny Depp was actually born and raised in the South (Kentucky). So, basically, I prefer a more sober version of Johnny Depp. I've found myself in a Civil Wars click hole on YouTube because it's inspiring the story at the heart of one of my writing projects. The one that's going to take a couple years to birth. I should probably get working on that....

"Dust to Dust" Video

"Crazy in Love - Remix" by Beyonce

 For Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share one of my favorite songs from my "Sexy Dancing with Myself" playlist (Did you get the reference?), which is the playlist I like to use when I'm practicing my S-factor moves. From a book, since taking an in-person class is still pretty risky right now. As you may have guessed, today's post is a Song du Jour entry, so I'll be rambling about whatever the fuck I want. And today, my friends, that's the insanity being sparked by the stellium in Aquarius squaring Uranus in Taurus. 

A lot has been said about what Uranus in Taurus will bring. As an Earth sign, Taurus is all about stability. Being a Venus-ruled sign, it's related to a lot of things - finances, luxury, self-love, beauty. But, when I think of Earth signs, it brings to mind sensuality. The element of Earth is all about the physical world. Our Earth sign friends are often considered unsexy - they are usually stubborn, often cold, and are considered calculating and critical. However - for the right person - Earth placements are can be incredibly sensual and sexual. Like Water placements, they are a feminine/receptive duality - yin energy is associated with wildness and pleasure, and Earth is closely associated with what happens when the emotional becomes physical. As such, Earth signs, when deep in love, often take on the more watery aspects of their opposing sign. Analytical Virgo can be as imaginative and playful as a Pisces when they've fallen for someone; Independent Taurus has near Scorpionic devotion to their partner; and Chilly Capricorn takes on downright Cancerian qualities of hopeless romanticism and affection when they've found their soulmate. Beyonce herself is a Virgo Queen and that's what this song is about. A girl who had it all figured out feels out of control once she finds her match. She is "Crazy in Love." 

I look and stare so deep in your eyes

I touch on you more and more every time

But that is not what this post is about, my friends. This post is about what happens when Uranus is causing havoc in a Venus-ruled sign, especially when that sign is Taurus. Venus-ruled Libra is the intellectual side of love - deep conversations, friendship, quality time - as well as the more traditional aspects of Victorian Romanticism (roses, hearts, etc.). Taurus, on the other hand, is about the more physically grounded aspects of Venus - combining assets and finances, buying things together, cooking and eating together, and sex/physical intimacy. When Uranus charts its path through Taurus, these are the things that are going to be shaken up. I always picture Earth signs as being very honest and direct and -especially with Taurus - authenticity is key for surviving this transit. I'm going to lay it out there with my predictions and say that one of the big things we're in for, especially with all these rough transits, is another sexual revolution. One thing I've noticed being purged from the collective unconscious in recent years is shame and dishonesty surrounding sexuality. People are more openly considering nontraditional partnership situations, like polyamory and swinging, as well as experimenting more in the bedroom.

When you leave, I'm begging you not to go

Call your name two, three times in a row

It's not all fun and games, though. We're also taking a deep look at what "consent" means and cracking down on gendered harassment. There's been an increase in reversed gender roles at home, with more women identifying as the breadwinner for their family as well as an increase in the number of men calling themselves "house-husbands" (which includes my own situation). Uranus transiting through a Venus-ruled sign was usually accompanied by changes in women's roles. During Uranus in Libra (1968-1975), we had the official "Sexual Revolution," which was marked by the landmark Roe v Wade decision and the rise of Second-Wave Feminism. The last time Uranus was in Taurus (1934-1942), women entered the workforce in droves to fill in for men during WWII. During this time, women also had opportunities to make their mark on science, academic, and military progress. It is important to note that Hedy Lamarr - at the time, the Most Beautiful Woman Alive - invented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology that would later serve as the basis for Bluetooth. If it seems like the women in your life have a lot going on, it's because they do.

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain

How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame

On a more personal note regarding Uranus in Taurus, I've found myself returning to things I've always been interested in, but it always felt like it was inappropriate to mention. Like pin-up art and burlesque performance, sex magick, tantra, witchcraft, and a preference for embracing my femininity and feminine beauty. Taurus rules my 12th House, which rules over what's hidden - these happen to be things I've always kept to myself. Those things are needed now to bring balance. A lot of those topics have been demonized and repressed into the collective shadow - it's only natural that they're popping back up to be reintegrated. Again, the solution is balance. The collective - and the individuals within the collective - need to embrace both healthy femininity and a healthy masculinity in order to thrive. End rant.

'Cause I know I don't understand

Just how your love can do what no one else can

I chose this song because I think it sounds sexy. There's a reason it's one of the themes for the "Fifty Shades of Grey" films. I know it says "remix" but I actually would consider it more of an "alternate version" as Beyonce completely rerecorded "Crazy in Love" for the film to create a darker, more sensual sounding song (the movie is a soft-core BDSM romance, after all). The original version borrows the hook from classic 70s soul and is a lot bouncier and more upbeat. Personally, I prefer the "Remix" as I think the sound fits my interpretation of the lyrics, which is that - for that one person - you kind of lose your mind a little bit. You act completely out of character and it makes no sense, but you're just.....carried away and consumed by waves of desire. The slowed-down version sounds a bit more tortured, more hesitant, more unsure of the outcome. Yes, we know she marries Jay-Z in the end but, for a moment there, Queen Bey was all over the place. 

"Crazy in Love - Remix" Video

Album Review: "Flowers for Vases//descansos" by Hayley Williams

Cover Art for "Flowers for Vases//descansos"

Hayley Williams released her second solo album, "Flowers for Vases//descansos" this past Friday, 5 February 2021. A video of the audio for one of the songs on the album showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Since it was just the audio, they were using the cover artwork as the thumbnail and that's what truly drew me in. I found it sensual and evocative. The cover features a feminine body (probably Williams) immersed in water, with the water swirling from shades of deep magenta and hot pink to a viscous white. That first song echoed something I have been feeling intensely, so much so that I decided to listen to the album on Spotify. This is one of those albums - for me - that appeared at precisely the exact time I needed it. I've been incredibly interested in healing modalities for various reasons (PPD, Complex-PTSD, general trauma recovery) and music therapy is one of those obvious tracks for me to explore, because it's been such a major tool in my own journey. Lately, artists have been releasing albums that are not only intensely personal, but also provide as much healing for the listener as they did for the artist making them. I think it's just that 2020 stirred up so much shit for everyone that we'll be working through those triggers deep into 2021 and beyond. I personally welcome music that helps me feel my own feelings, because I have a hard time doing that. I repress a lot of things, I put on a happy face for others because I think that's what they need (regardless of what I need), and so it's usually not apparent I'm in distress until things get really bad. Believe me - it's something I'm aware of and I'm working on.

This album is very much about memories and the unexpected grief they bring with them. The subtitle for this album - and the name of one of the tracks - is "descansos," which is a Spanish term for a memorial placed at the site of a violent and unexpected death. They are often seen at the site of fatal auto accidents. These are very common in New Mexico (as well as other places in the Southwest, particularly places with a large Hispanic population) and were a familiar site in my childhood. You can sort of hear that slightly Western influence in the songs on the album. Overall, the tone of the album was low-key, almost folksy - I could imagine Williams testing out the songs around a campfire, a flannel shirt protecting her from the desert winds. All the songs embody a different aspect of loneliness, the kind of loneliness you only get by ruminating on old memories, both good and bad. It is not clear what she is feeling this grief from. The songs could be interpreted as arising from a bad breakup (Williams got a divorce in 2017), a death of a loved one, or maybe she's just working through the pain she felt as a child during her own parents' divorce. It could be an amalgamation of all three. The songs are so amorphous, it seems as if Williams has left it to the listener to decide what memories this album elicits for them. Let's do a brief walkthrough of the songs on this album, hitting the highlights and my favorites (including the song that sparked this post) so you can get a feel for the musical journey you'll get if you decide to listen through.

First thing to go was the sound of his voice

These are the opening lyrics of this album. "First Thing to Go" captures that desperation you feel when you know you're forgetting pieces of a person and you're trying to hold on. Part of you knows it might be for the best, but you don't want to lose them completely. I mentioned this feeling a few posts ago. It reminds me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." You think things will be easier if you could just forget. But the good things disappear, too. Like the sound of their voice, the exact color of their eyes, the feel of their hands in yours. These sensory things that feel so memorable in the moment start to fade away. The final torture of time and distance, because you're present the whole time, aware that it's happening. Watching it slip through your hands, like so much water. Just for reference - because I can't help myself - Hayley's Chiron is in Cancer, directly opposite her Sun in Capricorn (she actually has a whole stellium in Cap - Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are all in the game). She's very aware of her wounds and this placement can definitely show up as protecting her pain out of sentimental nostalgia. 

After this, the album moves into "My Limb," easily the catchiest song and one of my favorites. The chorus is stuck in my head even now. The idea expressed is that, some people are so interconnected to you, it's like losing a limb when they're gone. Part of you would rather die ("bleed out" to use her imagery) than let go of them. To even let go of the memories of them. In amputations, there's this phenomena of phantom sensations. I think we get that for other things, too, especially with connections. Like with phones. If you're used to getting a lot of messages on your phone, you might hear rings or feel vibrations, but when you check your phone, there's nothing. It's a disconcerting feeling. Almost like you're losing your mind, because it's clear you're obviously imagining it.

If you gotta amputate, don't give me the tourniquet

You wish that I would run away, sever what isn't working

But I'll let my body bleed out, leaning to my left side

If your part of me is gone now, do I wanna survive?

The next song is called "Asystole." I had to google what that meant, so I'll share the meaning for your benefit - an asystole is the sound of the lack of a heartbeat. You may be more familiar with the term "flatlining." That's an asystole. The lyrics show her trying to convince herself she's better off without the person she's singing about. But, in reality, she feels dead and wants to be revived. The mind is trying to talk the heart out of what it knows. This leads very aptly into the next song, "Trigger." This is another one of those relationship post-mortem songs. Trying to figure out why this one person, this one relationship hurt so much. A lot of it comes down to our attachment style, our core wounds from childhood, and our expectations of Love. Most relationships will activate a couple of these things but at a manageable level. Once in a while, though, one relationship will activate all of them at once. These usually blow up pretty quickly, because time and distance is needed to work through the "triggers." Otherwise, you're just hurting each other.

'Cause I got the trigger, but you hold the gun

How come you never put the safety on?

Let's move forward to "Good Grief." This one hit hard. Not only does it most incorporate the Western undertones into the melody, but the lyrics are devastatingly honest about the physical side effects of grief. The opening lines are about not eating since the triggering event. Starvation is my go-to self-destructive behavior and when I'm severely depressed, I lose a lot of weight. During the first few weeks of PPD, I hardly ate. My first day out of the hospital after my second son was born, my dad and husband went out to get me one of my favorite meals - Tofu Pad Thai. What I used to be able to devour in one or two meals, I could barely eat a few bites. In fact, I barely ate at all the first month after giving birth. I don't want to go into the reasons why - all I can say is it didn't feel worth the trouble. To quote the song, "there's no such thing as good grief." But, it is necessary to move through grief when it's triggered, or else you get stuck at one of the stages. Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, Denial - or maybe you just keep waffling between all the stages. It's a process. And you have to keep going until you reach and can sustain Acceptance.

"KYRH" stands for "Keep You Right Here." This is the song I found on YouTube that pulled me into this musical journey. It's so fucking simple - only a few lines of lyrics, repeated in two verses. She allows the piano to fill in the rest. And that's how you know it's good poetry, when only a few words can elicit such emotional catharsis. You understand exactly how she's feeling. She's going to keep this person as close as she can, without crossing whatever line has been drawn. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Keep you right here where the line is

At my fingers, on the surface

Keep you right here where the line is

Keep you right here

The final song I'm going to bring to your attention is "No Use I Just Do." There's this thing I do, as a hopeless romantic - always striving to truly understand what love is. Especially with everything I've been learning about trauma bonds and attachment wounds and inner child healing, I went through a couple months not believing Love was a real thing. It seems all I see everywhere are wounded, broken people who are just afraid to be alone. They don't really care if it's love as long as someone is there. There was a point where it felt like I had a black hole where my heart should be. Again, this is where feeling my feelings (through embodiment practices) has become so vital. It has helped me to know how love feels like in my body (an overpowering warmth radiating from my heart). Because Love is not a mental thing - when it's real, it is inconvenient, it doesn't make sense, it can't really even be justified. It just is. It's just there and you don't know what to do with it. Especially when it has nowhere to go. Words can't describe it, it has to be felt. It's easy to find someone to fill in a space, but the heart is wiser than that. It knows where to go in those quiet moments. I love the chorus on this - it's like a mantra. And the hopeless romantic part of me wants to bathe in it forever, it's that beautiful.

If I just wanted someone to hold

Then really, anyone would do

I close my eyes and really try

Not to turn 'em into you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just do

My final recommendation - I highly encourage you to go give this album a listen because it's worth it. It's gorgeous all the way through. I found myself wishing the songs were longer and, in terms of length, it is a short listen at 42 minutes from start to finish. Going to share the audio video for "KYRH" as a taster. Enjoy!

"KYRH" Video

Artist Spotlight: Hozier

 Hozier is one of the artists that I found on multiple contemporary Dark Academia playlists. For good reason - his lyrics are quite cerebral, as he draws a lot of his inspiration from philosophy and spirituality. I remember a Tumblr post that described his songs as being specifically for "waging the Revolution and then coming home to make sweet love to your woman." Yeah, it's kind of like that. A lot of his songs are fantastic protest songs. And then he also has a lot of great love (and love-making) songs. If either of these things are your jam, I highly recommend listening to the "This is Hozier" playlist on Spotify. For today, I'm just going to go through a selection of my favorite Hozier songs and their deeper meaning (if they have one) to get you started.

• "Take Me to Church"

This is probably my favorite Hozier song. I know that's not particularly unique, because it's the only one that really got widespread play on the radio stations where I've lived. But it is one that speaks to me. It's about feeling closer to God (or Universe, Source, Force, or whatever other name you have for it) through sex as a loving act, not what religion deems is spiritual. In Hozier's words, it's a "celebration of sexuality," with sex itself being a sacred expression of love. Pulling out this metaphor, it's also about being in love with someone who society (particularly the Church) says is not allowed and expressing that love in a way that is seen as sinful. Hozier, who was raised an Irish Protestant, is deeply critical of the Catholic Church. Rightly so. As a former Catholic, I am also disappointed in the faith of my childhood and I remember the last time I went to Mass in earnest, I cried. No, I wept. I believed in God (which I prefer to refer to as the Universe) but I did not agree with a lot of the Church's teachings. I didn't believe in Hell, I didn't believe people should be punished for their humanity and - most blasphemous of all - I didn't think Jesus believed that either. It felt like I was losing something. Mind you, at this point I had already engaged in premarital sex because, while I think no sex until commitment is a good boundary, I always felt no sex until marriage was manipulation. Although at one time I wished I could be, I was never going to be one of those good Christian girls. I'm too much of a free-spirit to follow such arbitrary rules. I have no shame about my sexuality (because, like Hozier, I believe it is sacred) and I'm sure They think that's wrong, too. 

No masters or kings when the ritual begins

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene

Only then I am human

Only then I am clean

Oh, oh, Amen, Amen, Amen

This song grew to be a protest song among the LGBT community at the time it was released. The music video is critical of the Russian repression of homosexuality, tales of which are unbelievably brutal. Although I'm not gay, I've had many friends throughout my life who are (both while they were in the closet and out). I have seen a number of my friends struggle with their beliefs because of their sexual orientation. Some have left the Catholic Church and Christianity altogether while others have found more liberal Christian communities to belong to. I've seen formerly devout Mormons tossed out of their communities - this was harder to watch, because leaving such a strict faith often means being estranged from their families. I've witnessed friends berated and abused by their parents. To be honest, I think that shook my faith the most. I couldn't believe in a God or follow a religion that allowed for such blind hatred and disgust towards someone you were supposed to love. Especially in light of all the corruption and devastation caused by the pedophilia scandals. Nope, couldn't follow that anymore. So I decided to create my own....and yes, it's very much based on Love.

• "Nina Cried Power" (featuring Mavis Staples)

This is a protest song that celebrates all other protest songs. The "Nina" referred to is Nina Simone, a musician and singer who channeled her influence as an artist to become an activist in the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s and 1970s. Simone's songs were boycotted in Southern states and as she became more active in the movement, her music became less popular. Hozier also honors the legacy of other musicians turned activists - James Brown, Woody Guthrie, Joni Mitchell, John Lennon, to name a few. And of course, Mavis Staples, a gospel singer and civil rights activist whose voice also lent power to the Civil Rights Movement. It's her voice that carries the bridge comprised of this strikingly powerful sentiment:  Power has been cried by those stronger than me, straight into the face of those who tell you to rattle your chains if you like being free. The video also features activists currently working for civil rights on all fronts. 

 It's not the song, it is the singin'

It's the heaven of the human spirit ringin'

It is the bringin' of the line

It is the bearin' of the rhyme

It's not the wakin', it's the risin'

Choosing to speak out against injustice when you have so much to lose shows real courage. Music, in particular, has been used to embody the voice of the people. I was thinking just this morning that, although most of the best songs are about Love, the rest are about overthrowing the government (or the status quo, society, or any authority that oppresses Freedom). Music, especially at this point in history, is so accessible to the masses. It is a powerful force to call out for change. To call out for justice, for mercy, for awareness. I expect we'll be hearing more of this type of music in the coming years.

• "Arsonist's Lullabye"

This song is about our inner desires. Our inner darkness, the wild Creator and Destroyer entwined within our soul. There is some creative force inside all of us - it is unique to us, it calls only to us, it speaks only to us. And it will do this all our lives. You can allow yourself to be consumed if you repress it or you can watch it spiral out of control if you don't learn to harness it. The Arsonist, who has tried to ignore it all his life, watches as this desire - this calling - destroys everything in his wake.

All you have is your fire

And the place you need to reach

Don't you ever tame your demons

But always keep 'em on a leash

It's a lullaby because it's how the arsonist sleeps at night. He justifies to himself he had to do it, or else he'd go crazy. We do what we must. I have a dramatic, impulsive streak and, when I was young, I was in a powerless situation. I only felt my power when I was tapped into my rage, when I was fighting back, when I was forcing things to happen. I know how cruel and destructive I can be. I was even proud of it, once upon a time. And I feel the urge to give in to that side of me more often than people would expect. It's so much easier. My darkness is not tame at all, it's as wild as it ever was. But I understand its proper place now and how to channel the power it has, to appreciate the wisdom it has gifted me. I don't let it take control but I don't fear it either. But I am still learning to live with my demons - that process never ends.

• "Like Real People Do"

This is one of Hozier's sweeter love songs, in my opinion. It's about having a dark past - having made mistakes - but it not making a difference to a new love. The lyrics describe evocative imagery. Perhaps it's an extremely literally interpretation, but I picture a cemetery. He was buried, a corpse drained from a past relationship. She was digging to find something deeper than she'd felt before. Somehow, they came together. How they got to that graveyard doesn't matter. All that matters is that they found each other. And all he wants to do is kiss her. 

I will not ask you where you came from

I will not ask you and neither would you

Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips

We should just kiss like real people do

I don't think much more needs to be said about that. It's a nice sentiment - to not be judged for who you were in the past. To find someone who can see you as who you are now. Who wants to uncover you, even though you've felt like an awful, dead thing for so long. Such a thing exists. It's rare but it's precious.

All the videos are linked in the titles for your listening pleasure. Thanks for reading!

Returning to the Rhythm: A 2021 Intention Post

Obviously, I got off track last year. But I think everyone did, so I don't feel too bad. I was a bit aggressive with my original ambitions and, when you do that, you're just asking to be derailed by something. I had a nice reprieve to fall back into old, comfortable habits in 2020 but it's time to return to the music with renewed intention and awareness. A few less tangents, more actual music-oriented content. Don't get me wrong - there will be rants. Just a lot less of them. I'm planning to resume the trek through the 100 Greatest Albums that I started last January, albeit without the time limit. I'm going to try to do about one album a week so we'll hopefully be through most of them by this time next year.

In between - because I get bored easily - I have some new ideas I'll be playing around with. First, as I mentioned, 2020 was a year with a ridiculous amount of albums released and I'm almost certain that trend is going to continue in 2021. As such, I'd like to actually try to listen to some of them and share my humble opinion. I also still have several music-related books I was planning to read, one of which I believe is a legit doctoral thesis because it is a massive 1000+ page tome. Netflix has a shit ton of new musician and music-oriented documentaries (some of which look super interesting) that I'd like to review. And YouTube has been recommending a lot of great artists from all over the globe whose music I'd like to feature. Speaking of artist spotlights, I've been actively trying to get to know the bands and musicians whose music I like but haven't necessarily listened to outside of what gets to the Top 40. And, finally, I'll be sharing some of my Spotify playlists and the thought process behind some of the staples I've picked for those lists. All in all, it should be a fun year of discovery and introspection.

So that's my promise for 2021. Reviews, rants, and only a dash of madness. There's probably still going to be too much Taylor Swift fangirling and, for that, I apologize in advance. Stay tuned.

Credit: Nick Seluk, The Awkward Yeti