"Desire" by Meg Myers

I've been obsessed with this song since about August. I discovered it when I was browsing Jordan Kensley's Instagram (Jordan is a pole dancer who I took a floor work workshop with in September....she's super nice and an amazing dancer). Honestly, trying to understand why I love it so much has been a mind fuck. Obviously, I connect with it on some level. It describes something I feel frequently. Beyond that, it's part of myself I (and definitely many others) have sublimated for a long time. Sure, it's an Unskippable, but what makes it an Unskippable is the whole point of this blog, right? The rawness of emotion - an emotion many people feel intense shame for - is palpable. 

"Lilith" by John Collier

I spend a little bit of every day studying and trying to understand esoteric concepts. Astrology, mos def, but others as well - ghosts/spirits, alchemy (the spiritual kind), divinity, demonology, manifestation, etc, etc. I thought for Scorpio season (especially since it's also Eclipse season) I would dive into sacred sexuality and tantra (again). Specifically, I've been ruminating on this idea of Desire as Direction. And that doesn't just mean sexual desire but whatever kind of desire it is, it's a dangerous idea to society as it stands today. Not only that but it's a scary idea. I'm not sure the average person has much experience with admitting what they desire with their whole chest. It's vulnerable, it's risky, because one of the outcomes is not getting what you want. I mean, that is the outcome if you don't take ownership of what you desire anyway, but it's easier somehow - you can make excuses. Oh, I never said anything. Oh, I knew I'd get turned down anyway (no, you didn't). And a lot of the time, our desires are painted as silly, childish fantasies anyway, so why are you so hung up about it?

Baby, wanna touch you

I wanna breathe into your well

See, I gotta to hunt you

I gotta bring you to my hell

Baby, I wanna fuck you,

I wanna feel you in my bones

Boy, I'm gonna love you

I'm gonna tear into your soul

Of course, there's the even scarier implication for the reverse, because if Desire is Direction, then Lack of Desire is a sign you're on the wrong path. If that's the case, you might need to let go of things that are really comfortable. A career, relationships, hobbies, personality traits, habits, clothes...all sorts of things you've been holding on to. There's this manifestation exercises where you imagine who you would be if you had everything you wanted - dream career, dream partner, dream wardrobe, dream life - what does that look like? For some people, that's so different then how their lives look today that it's overwhelming and discouraging. To get from point A to point B requires so much change on their part that they'd rather not bother. Perhaps it goes without saying, but Scorpio falls in my 6th House - the House of Habit, Health, and Routine. Larger transformation requires discipline in the mundane. And if you don't desire something to change, it never will. Desire is Direction. If you aren't pursuing something with intensity, why are you even doing it?

"Desire" is about wanting someone so much, it's all consuming. The lyrics may seem kind of violent to some but then those are probably the sort of people who have never desired someone so much, they weren't sure if they wanted to fuck the person or kill them. Yes, I imagine this would make for some rather rough, predator/prey type sex. The wording of the chorus is notable. "Do you want me?" is a very different question from "How do you want me?" She knows whoever she's singing to wants her back and he/she can have her. Any way they want. So what are they waiting for? Because the waiting is just pissing her off. The chorus sounds like a frustrated demand, and it is. I'm choosing when (now) and where (here), you get to choose the how. The music is intense and dark, highlighting the gravity of her desire, the vulnerability of what she's asking for. I'm just not sure Desire is something the average woman feels free enough to embody, which makes this song subversive. Do you ever notice that? How male artists can sing about sex all day but when a female artists say the words "I want to fuck you" in their lyrics, it's somehow dirtier and more raw? 

Desire, I'm hungry

I hope you feed me

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

How do you want me, how do you want me?

The landscape today is more open to differences in sexual expression. It seems, to me, every other girl is coming out as asexual or demisexual (only becomes interested in sex when they have an emotional connection), but it's still a difficult world for women who are decidedly sexual and open about it. There's still so much stigma around polyamory, kink, one-night stands, tantra, and out of the whole LGBTQIA rainbow, bisexuals/pansexuals are still told they're sexuality isn't legitimate (by both sides of the homo-hetero spectrum). Women are told to "respect themselves" but for some, that still means withholding sex, even within the confines of a (monogamous) committed relationship. We're told to treat ourselves like a Queen but I've never identified with that archetype. Queens don't dance, Queens don't sing, they don't take lovers who are their equals, and they make some rules but ultimately, they uphold the rules of society. It's an archetype about control and image, of wealth and power. I've always valued individuality and authenticity, wildness and freedom. I am uncontrollable to everyone except myself, and I like it that way. As such, I've always found myself drawn to the archetypes of the Temptress, the Succubus, the Siren, and (in their higher forms) the Sacred Courtesan. As you can imagine, a different kind of goddess invokes those themes.

Honey, I wanna break you

I wanna throw you to the hounds,

Yeah I gotta hurt you

I gotta hear from your mouth

Boy, I wanna taste you

I wanna skin you with my tongue

I'm gonna kill you,

I'm gonna lay you in the ground

When I finally dropped the pretense of Catholicism and decided that - yes, indeed - the path of witchcraft and paganism was for me, Lilith was the first goddess who called to me. And while in more recent years, others have called - Persephone, Brigid, Hekate - Lilith is still a vital part of my practice. I love her darkness, her wildness, her dedication to living her truth, even if it defies the rules. Whereas Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil out of ignorance, Lilith ate from it knowing the consequences. And she walked out of the Garden, naked, head held high, confident that she would be able to continue on her own. Underlying all the overarching messages of freedom, empowerment, and equality, lies the beating heart of Lilith's story: rejection. And not her rejection of Adam, but of his rejection of her. God gave him his equal, in every way, and he rejected Lilith for a partner who was weaker, less wild, less free-spirited, less attuned to her own bodily autonomy. One who was and would be dependent on him. Ultimately, one who wouldn't (and couldn't) challenge his authority as master of all that lived in the Garden of Eden. In short, he chose power over love. The only thing Lilith asked for was partnership, and that was too much. The lesson here is if you can't have equal partnership - if you can't find someone who is willing to hold space for all of you - choose freedom.

I wanna feel you, I want it all

I wanna feel you, I want it all

The video is fitting for Spooky Season. In fact, it's inspired by numerous horror films. Meg Myers plays the role of our fearless Final Girl, confronting the entity that's been haunting her dilapidated house. Water is everywhere, all the classic 70s furniture is lighted with that sickly yellow tinge, spooky handprints show up on the mirror, creepy cartoons on the old-fashioned CRT. Then it takes an unexpected turn. A phantom picks her up like a lover and throws her on the pullout couch/bed. I think you know what happens next - ghost sex. This is apparently a real phenomenon, and you can find numerous reports of *ahem* spectral encounters through various ghost hunting sites and books. I love this video but I can't help but imagine how awkward it was to film it. There was definitely a buff stunt man decked out in that green bodysuit spinning her around and "positioning" her. And can we also talk about how understated and sexy a plain camisole and panties is? That's probably why it's the official uniform of every teenaged girl who dies while having sex in slasher flicks. The performance Meg gives in the video is absolutely emblematic of the vibe, though - innocent, maybe a bit ashamed of how she feels, but she still knows what she wants.

"Desire" Music Video

This eclipse season is already driving me crazy....and I'm letting it. My eye has been twitching a bit, I think it's just exhaustion because I haven't been getting good sleep. I'm listening to Steven Sanchez songs on repeat. Starting to write more, even though I'm in sort of a cocoon stage in my life. Mostly, I just feel really destructive and full of bad ideas. The partial solar eclipse in Scorpio occurred this morning, October 25th, at approximately 3:38am (AZ time).  Both this eclipse, and the total lunar eclipse in Taurus on November 8th, is making a lot of aspects within my chart. Most of them are good - the eclipse with be trine my Venus in Cancer (trine is the most harmonious aspect), and the actual eclipse is loosely conjunct my Moon and Pluto in Scorpio (a mixed bag), but unfortunately, the eclipse with be square (by degree) my Mars in Cancer. Squares always come with a little trouble. And the ruler of this eclipse, Mars, is tearing up my 1st House (Gemini) and is getting ready to station retrograde for another pass. As you may have guessed, the astrology for 4Q 2022 is pretty gnarly, so have fun out there.

"Cubicles" by My Chemical Romance

 As stated in the previous post, I went to go see My Chemical Romance last month. It was amazing, thanks for asking. I loved it so much that I hope I get to see them perform again one day. Maybe with someone who also loves them as much as I do (not that I didn't enjoy the time with my husband). Part of me would honestly like to follow MCR around the country going to their shows but I know that's not realistic. I have responsibilities and I think the desire stems from the on-going grief I feel knowing that I'm not young enough to do something like that anymore. Ironically, the thing that shocked me most about the concert was how many young people (i.e., Gen-Z folks) were at the concert. My coworker is going to the "When We Were Young" festival in Las Vegas this weekend (yes, I'm super jealous). I was looking at the line-up and, indeed, it was basically the dream festival I had always imagined as a teenager. MCR, Paramore, Ice Nine Kills, Black Veil Brides, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, All-American Rejects.....the gang's all gonna be there! For reference, my coworker is 25. He was literally like 5 years old when most of these bands were popular and, at most, 10 years old when they faded out. Youth is wasted on the young.

I have this habit of treating a lot of things like I'm studying for a test. Like if I don't do things exactly perfect, it won't match my vision of how things should be, and everything will be ruined. Another thing I'm working on. I tend to go from one hyper-fixation to the next in this way. Or rather, I indulge myself with a little obsession, which I like to believe prevents me from diving wholly into crazy territory. With a goal or a deadline, I only go so far into the rabbit hole. Thus, in preparation for this concert - a concert I've been waiting for approximately half of my life - I listened through MCR's entire repertoire (or, at least, as much of it is available on Spotify). This process reunited me with old favorites, to be sure - favorites I still listen to fairly frequently, if I'm being honest. This process also re-introduced me to songs I didn't fully identify with when I was younger that I now understand deeply, in a way that is only possible with age and experience. One of those songs being (obviously) "Cubicles."

They didn't play this song during the concert but I'm not surprised. The set list was mostly songs from "Fabulous Killjoys" and "Black Parade," with only a smattering of the most popular songs from the earlier albums, a few B-sides and later singles. Makes sense....those two albums were released at the height of their popularity. But I personally prefer the older stuff - it is less polished, considerably darker and more melancholy. Don't get me wrong - I love it all. But the songs that changed (and, in some cases, saved) my life were on "I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love" and "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." This song is from "I Brought You My Bullets," which, for some reason, reminds me of Autumn. I associate the main MCR albums with seasons - "Black Parade" is obviously Winter, "Fabulous Killjoys" reminds me of Summer, and I guess that means "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" would be Spring. Don't ask me why. It's probably because of the coloring of the album covers and the general aesthetic for each of the releases. I'm rambling now. Old age, you know. Give an old lady some grace.

It's the tearing sound of love-notes

Coming out these rusted windows

And the view outside is sterile

And I'm only two cubes down

A photocopy all the things that we could be

If you took the time to notice me

But you can't now, I don't blame you

And it's not your fault that no one ever does

Let's talk about "Cubicles." On the surface, the singer is lamenting that his work crush has gotten another job and left. Ultimately, though, it's about the depth of loneliness one feels after the loss of connection, even if the potential of that connection was tenuous or merely imagined to be there. We tend to grow attached to the people we're around the most and now, especially in early adulthood, we often spend most of our time around our coworkers and classmates. It's natural to form attachments to and crushes on them. It's psychological - our survival depends on the people we spend the most time with so our brain associates positive feelings with them (even if the actual relationship is not particularly enjoyable). As someone who often feels like I'm always the one who feels the connection deeper and becomes more attached, I understand this song on so many levels. There's the obvious layer of unrequited love (which the singer may or may not have admitted to their person), which is a difficult situation. Although, given life perspective, I don't think it's as bad as being in a relationship that is abusive or where you feel trapped. I've always been able to get over unrequited love, which isn't really love if you don't know the person that well. In fact, it's possible the crush wouldn't turn into love at all if they had a chance to be with the object of their affection. Getting to know someone always dashes the fantasy of who they are and who they could be. Disappointment has ultimately been harder to move on from than rejection. But maybe that's the situation here - maybe he was close with his work crush. Maybe they were even friends, good friends, best friends....at least, in his mind, they were. And then they left this job and completely stopped communicating with the singer. Not only does it ruin his hopes of what they could've grown into but also puts into stark reality exactly how much whatever friendship existed was valued. And that's where the disappointment comes in. When you realize you don't mean as much to the other person as they mean to you, even though it seemed mutual when you were in the midst of it. And yet, you still have to see reminders of them everywhere. Like old Teams messages or references to something they said in an email. Or seeing their name on slide decks and glimpses of their face in pictures of the last office party, stashed away on a shared drive. A cruel joke of corporate romance.

But you don't work here anymore

It's just a vacant three by four

And they might fill your place

A temporary stand-in for your face

This happens all the time

And I can't help but think I'll die alone

In the song, he laments that, sometimes, he thinks he'll die alone. By the end of the song, it doesn't sound like such a tragic option. The lyrics change to "I think I'd love to die alone." Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. I've come to realize that I don't mind being alone as much as I used to. I like my own company. I'm a pretty awesome person....way more interesting than most people I meet. And I'm not great at small talk. I've only been at this job for about 8 months and I only recently started feeling like I formed casual friendships with my coworkers. It struck me how slow this process has been but maybe it's supposed to be. I've only been going to my pole studio for about 6 months and I'm gradually becoming a fixture. I've met most of the teachers and they all recognize my face when I show up to class. I have people I chat with when I go to class - maybe I'm not as close with them as with my first group of pole sisters, but we're getting there. It's a very different dynamic between the main social circles of my life. There was a time when the only social interaction I got was at work - when that's the case, it's easy to get overly attached to the people there. That's the bullshit workplaces are trying to pull, right? You're family here! No, no you're not. It's an act of rebellion to have a vibrant life outside your work, outside your home, outside the tiny little boxes society has built for us. It's nice to say I do something other than watch TV when I'm outside work. It's a good thing that my career is no longer all that I am.

So I'll spend my time with strangers

A condition, and it's terminal

In this water-cooler romance

And its coming to a close

We could be in the park and dancing by a tree

Kicking over blades we see

Or a dark beach with a black view

As pin-pricks in the velvet catch our fall

I'm gradually learning not to be so attached to people. That the best relationships in my life took years to form, not months. Over the summer, I got to meet up with my best friend from high school multiple times. It was amazing to talk to someone who knew so much of my history and still understood so much of who I am, even though we had several years to catch up on. I've been on a walk down memory lane much of the past few months, honoring my inner teenager, because I never really got to enjoy that time of my life. I was stuck in survival mode for most of it, and the things that got me through it were the aforementioned best friend, music, writing, reading, and performing. Not surprisingly, the Sun, Mercury, and Venus have been transiting Libra, my 5th House where my South Node is located. The 5th House is associated with Leisure, Fun, Childhood, Creativity, Love, and Play. These themes have been very present in my life and it's been a period of trying to get back to those things, the things that bring me joy and happiness, especially in terms of my relationships (both with self and others). It's been an area of life that has been out-of-balance for a while, so I'm trying to let the scales do their work.

Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die
Just (just)
Take (take)
I think I'd love to die
Me (me)
Down (down)
I think I'd love to die alone

The Universe agrees and has been sending me signs. A few memorable ones - pulling out of pole class and stopping behind a truck with a license plate that said "DREAMBIGG." I tried to take a picture but it turned out blurry (and I'm sure the driver thought I was crazy...which I am). Another time, a few weeks ago, I was at the gate for work and the car next to me was a Mini-Cooper with a license plate that said "ZIIPPY." Sometimes a license plate is just a license plate.

As you may already know, Taylor Swift's new album, "Midnights," dropped at (you guessed it!) midnight today. I'll eventually get around to listening it but you know how I like to slowly discover my T-Swift gems. But it's just one more thing to look forward to. Happy Friday!

"Cubicles" Video

"She Knows" by J.Cole (feat. Amber Coffman and Cults)

I'm up at 3:30am and - instead of lying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to sleep, like I do most work nights - I'm leaning into it. I can tell I have a high level of anxiety in my body. And I haven't written in a while. Haven't been able to gather the brain power, but I'll speak on that more later (in a very belated birthday post). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and as such, this post might be more stream of consciousness than anything I would normally put on this blog. It's not even much about the song, even though I know it's the inspiration that's getting me writing this morning. It's a banger that I keep hearing on Instagram reels. I decided to hunt down and listen to the full version on Spotify - best decision I've made in the past couple hours, mos def. 

Bad things happen to the people you love

And you find yourself praying up to heaven above

But honestly, I've never had much sympathy

'Cause those bad things, I always saw them coming for me

In about 24 hours, I'll be on a plane to Houston to go see the My Chemical Romance concert. An event I've been looking forward to for the last two and a half years. I bought the tickets the day I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, who will turn two in about two weeks. Yep, you did the math right - the original concert was supposed to happen when I was about 9-months pregnant. And yes, I was fully intending to go, belly and all. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking that day, but I can tell you I had been panicking and crying a lot. For various reasons, most of which were my own fault. The Universe (and the COVID-19 pandemic) had other plans and the timing actually worked out in my favor. Now, the concert is more like a little vacation for me than an overnight trip. It's supposed to be relaxing. But I'm anxious - about leaving my children, about flying (which I haven't done in over three years - even though I love flying usually), about the hotel reservations, about whether these new-fangled digital tickets will work when I get to the door, about getting out of a concert late at night in a strange city, about not going to work (I have taken very little PTO since I started....8 months ago)...you get the idea. There's a level of restlessness in my body that's hard to handle. And even though I spent all yesterday cleaning and our rental house is the tidiest I've seen it since we moved in, I find myself finding small, meaningless tasks to occupy my hands. 

I almost don't want to go, which is crazy. Not only did I (and my parents - the plane tickets were my birthday gift) spend a lot of money on this trip, but it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I missed my chance when MCR was originally really big. I was in my late teens/early 20s and a broke college student - concerts weren't exactly in my budget, even though some really good ones passed through Pan-Am Center while I was at NMSU. And considering how much of my life has been dedicated to music, I don't go to concerts very often, and I wish I could. Adulthood, am I right? I can't stay home - I know I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, like I always do, I'm going to suck it up and push through, in spite of the anxiety and fear, because I have no other choice. I've never had any other choice.

Got me up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

I be up so high, try and get a piece of that apple pie

The weird thing about being on a healing/spiritual journey (what...you thought I was writing about music?) is that I'm painfully aware of my patterns. This one - a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, "The Big Leap" - is an Upper Limit Problem. Essentially, when something good is happening in our life, we find ways to sabotage it because we've been conditioned that we don't deserve good things, we don't deserve happiness. Our mind manufactures drama to bring us down from the high, to "safe" emotional levels. Mind you, these emotional levels might not even really be safe - our standard emotional level may be chronic depression, addiction, suicidal ideation, self-destruction, or high-functioning anxiety. There are a lot of good things in my life right now and even though I don't have everything I want, there's a lot to be grateful for. I try to remind myself of that every morning - yes, I have a gratitude practice where I write down three things I'm grateful for daily. It's a practice I've kept up for 650+ days straight (according to my app) - I started it shortly after my youngest was born, when I was in the depths of PPD. It helps - I'm a much happier person than I was back then. 

Which brings me to my Upper Limit Problem - I tend to get really anxious and fearful when I'm looking forward to something or I'm in a situation that makes me really happy. I know why this is - good things were always intertwined with anxiety and fear when I was growing up. Delicious food was always tainted with comments about my body or weight (same with nice, new clothes - hence why I don't often buy clothes for myself and certainly not the kind of clothes I want to wear); my dad being home would often mean overhearing scary arguments/fights and eventually, he would leave on deployment; a trip to Disneyland (or any other family vacation) could quickly turn south if my mom had a mood swing (which was pretty much every trip). I always got straight As, lead roles in theatre, solos in choir - but none of this ever came with praise. It barely even got attention, so if I seem weirded out by compliments and congratulations, it's because nothing I've ever done seemed to warrant it. The irony of my life is that I yearn to be seen and understood, yet actually getting what I want makes me deeply uncomfortable, even scared. And that leads to me downplaying it or fucking things up in some way. It's a large part of what stops me from seriously trying to publish my writing (a hurdle I'm still working through). And the truth is that - for a brief, shining moment in my life - I was able to forget some of those insecurities and fears. And I lost it, and I've been spending the last few years trying to get it back. A YouTube creator I follow explained the journey like a snow globe - if you want the pretty snow (or glitter), you have to be able to handle the shake-up. The shake-up is the hard part where you have to confront your triggers, fears, and insecurities and do the work to get past them. I suppose I'm still in the shake-up.

Only bad thing 'bout a star is they burn up

Rest in peace to Aaliyah

Rest in peace to Left Eye (Left Eye)

Michael Jackson, I'll see ya

Just as soon as I die (I die)

I've been listening to "She Knows" on repeat while I've been writing this. I said this post didn't really have anything to do with the song but, in it's own way, it describes the Upper Limit Problem. The singer is succeeding in one part of his life (his career) but totally messing up another part of his life (his relationship). He is so focused on his own stardom and playing a role - and he finds himself justifying the things he's doing. She knows....heck, she's probably even doing the same thing. Underneath it all, it's this very real fear that he doesn't deserve any of it - the career, the fame, the fortune, and a happy relationship. That he's not good enough for any of it, that he can't be what they want him to be.

Well, all right, oh, I, oh, I-I-I

I can't be what you want from me, well, all right

I don't know if any of the above made sense but thanks for reading this rant. I feel better now.

"She Knows" Video

Double Feature: Machine Gun Kelly

Last Thursday, I was feeling kind of low on the drive into work. I could hardly focus on the Nightlight Astrology podcast I was listening to. Personal troubles were on my mind. I could hear Acuyta Bhava-Das talking about Mars conjunct Mercury in Pisces, relating it to this idea of not forcing things. When my heart is sunken like this, it is my habit of turning to the Universe for guidance. And, yes, much like the crazy person I am, I asked the Universe what I needed to know and what I needed to do. At this point, Acuyta is explaining about moving forward with grace and how, when we feel strongly about something, when we believe in something with our whole heart, some people may lose sight of the need for grace and compassion in favor of convincing others of their position. I'm no stranger to this - with my Mercury in Cancer opposite Neptune in Capricorn, my talent with words can often be combined with an almost preternatural gift of pinpointing another's weakness and fears. Mostly to hide how easily they could destroy me, if they wanted. My bark is worse than my bite, and I don't bark often anymore. And I feel defenseless. We'll circle back around to that idea but, first, my conversation with the mysterious sky spirits who live in my car. Specifically the radio, because many of my messages come in the form of music. And when I disconnected my phone, the song on the radio was Rihanna's "Love on the Brain."

You may notice this post is not about Rihanna. Don't get me wrong - her original version of "Love on the Brain" is a masterpiece and beautiful in its own right. But this is one of those rare occasions where I love the cover more. In fact, I love the cover so much that I wish he had done an actual recording of the whole song, not just a snippet for YouTube. During COVID lockdowns, to keep busy, MGK would call up his various celebrity/musician friends and ask them for a song request for him to cover. "Love on the Brain," inexplicably, was Marilyn Manson's suggestion. And the world is better for it.

There are few songs that express the pain of loving someone as exquisitely as "Love on the Brain." The best part of the song is that it is raw. The singer - whether it be Rihanna or MGK - is defenseless. It's important to note where each of the singers were when they either wrote or recorded this song. Rihanna was in a seriously abusive relationship with Chris Brown and in April 2020, MGK was falling in love (or was already in love) with someone who was still married (Megan Fox). In general, though, the song speaks to any type of situationship, where someone has fallen deep and the other person uses them (for sex, attention, to play a role in their life, favors, as a convenient punching bag) because they can. It's cruel. I read somewhere - probably in a pithy Instagram post - that the person who loves less has the power. I think this song is a testament to that, in some ways. Both Rihanna and MGK have strong Pisces placements and Pisces is associated with self-sacrifice and this idea that one would rather suffer if it means their loved ones would be happy. In the song, it's clear that the singer will take whatever the object of their affection is willing to give, even if it's only breadcrumbs.

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

Love, if you ask the cynics, is just a complex cocktail of hormones and emotions, mostly driven by your own special psychological tragic backstory. I watched a TED talk once about a woman's experience trying to get over her ex. She went to a neuroscientist and they did scans of her brain. They showed her the parts of her brain that lit up when she thought of her ex and they said "we can get rid of this for you." But why? Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yourself? Did you even watch that movie?!!! The whole point of the movie is that, even though it's painful, that part is worth keeping. That love is worth keeping, even if it has ended, even if it tears you apart inside. Because most people don't really ever get the chance feel that deeply about anything. Maybe that's my Scorpio Moon talking.

The next song I want to talk about is the song MGK performed at the Billboard Music Awards a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful selection from his most recent album, "mainstream sellout," which was released this past March - a song aptly named, "twin flame." The whole Twin Flame thing has really grown in the past few years, especially in the spiritual community (you can't really avoid it now whereas you never heard of it before 2019). We can go into all the reasons it's problematic, chief among them is that it's a favorite lovebombing tactic of narcissists and other psychological abusers to tell someone that they're their "soulmate/twin flame" and, unconsciously, the victim/survivor accepts bad behavior out of some corrupted idea of this person being their one and only love. Nope, not going into that, because it makes me really sad and I love the romance between MGK and Megan Fox. It's beautiful and it's real and gives me faith that real love exists, so if they want to believe they're twin flames - fuck it! - they're twin flames. 

MGK wrote this song back before they truly started dating - around the same time he did the "Love on the Brain" cover I ranted about above - and you can tell he still feels this strongly (perhaps even more so) about her two years later. That's how I know it's real. They've both had a lot of time to get to know each other's authentic selves and, instead of being disappointed and let down, they seem even more in love. They don't fight - I'm sure they have disagreements but not relationship rupturing screaming matches. They both are publicly very supportive of each other's careers. Neither of them act jealous or possessive and when situations like that come up, they reaffirm their commitment to the other. MGK famously told a fan (who asked him to suck her toes) that "there's only one set of toes I'm sucking from now on." And you kind of get a taste of the depth of how much MGK loves Megan in the "twin flame" lyrics. 

Some context - Megan Fox was separated from her current husband (Brian Austin Green) when she met MGK. Now, they say their divorce was amicable - and it was, for the most part - but divorce is never pleasant. Green continually asserted that he still loved Megan and often used their children publicly to subtly manipulate her into feeling guilty for wanting a divorce. Something I'm sure MGK noticed because, when someone you love is hurting, how can you ignore it? Long story short, MGK and Megan's relationship started off as "It's Complicated." So that's what's encapsulated in the lyrics - a mix of emotions resulting from being in love with someone you can't quite be with (yet).

It's been six days since the last time

I saw your face and you asked my sign

I told you mine, I questioned why

And you said, "Everything's aligned"

On the first day, you told me

I was your twin flame from a past life

And tonight, the moon is full

So take me anywhere outside

I cannot kiss you yet, you're magic

So I'll just stare at you instead

I get insecure and panic

'Cause I know you're too pure for this

Let's talk about those lyrics, shall we? The song starts when Megan and MGK first met and it's been a few days since he's spent time with her. Megan is interested in spiritual topics (yes, she is the one that declared them to be "twin flames"), one of which being astrology. Now, I don't think she's a total student of astrology to the point where she'd take a 38-week class (like yours truly) but she probably knows enough to be dangerous. I think she probably asked for more than his sign, she probably asked him for his full birth data so she could pull up his chart. And, because he was truly head over heels, he probably hunted down his birth time so he could give it to her. So Astro-Girls, if he asks his mom what time he was born just so you can look up his moons or some shit, he's probably really into you....because most men don't do that for anyone (male astrologers are the exception, not the rule). They usually roll their eyes and act like astrology is weird or stupid. But if he's really interested, he'll want to know as much as he can just so he has a reason to talk to you, which clearly happened with MGK. 

Then there's the chorus. He clearly struggling to believe this is real, that he deserves to be in love and to have a good, healthy relationship with that person. Psychologists say that the most difficult relationship for a lot of people (especially those with traumatic or emotionally neglectful childhoods) is your first healthy one. It's counterintuitive. But a lot of people have been programmed to believe that abuse is love. And when someone shows up who loves them without abuse, they don't trust it. It seems either boring or really scary, and it brings up all sorts of triggers around self-worth. They often think they don't deserve real love, that there's something inherently unlovable and bad about themselves. Or they think it's an elaborate trick - that the other person is lying to them and pretending to love them. Eventually, they believe the other person will stop loving them - will betray them, leave them, hurt them - and they'll be alone. Again. The problem is that this sort of mindset is exactly what ends the healthy relationship. It's hard to love a brick wall, no matter how patient, kind, and loving a person is.

Clearly, MGK got his shit together and things worked out for him and Megan. And I'm here for it. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm sharing the Billboard Music Awards performance but the album version is equally impactful. He shares a snippet from one of his and Megan's phone calls, where he's being vulnerable about how he feels and she tells him she loves him. It's sweet and very personal.

Back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity): I've been really going through it this Mercury Retrograde and Eclipse Season. It's left me feeling stupid, naïve, and drained. The shooting in Uvalde hit a little too close to home and I find myself both in deep grief and wholly enraged. And powerless, let's not forget that. I often use astrology as a meaning making system - we all need one. It helps, when I get frustrated with praying. I've been thinking about the transits to my chart lately. Saturn in going through the 9H and Uranus is wrecking up the 12H. Both Houses have connections to spirituality and deeply held beliefs. The 9H is what you believe on the surface, the 12H is the subconscious. And both are going through a major overhaul, it seems, and what I feel is an intense internal struggle. On the surface, I believe that, no matter what, you keep pushing, you keep working, and eventually, things will happen. All the power I need is within myself - this is a very Jupiter in Aries stance. I am the god of my reality. But underneath, I look around and I feel powerless to change things, even things I'm actively trying to change. It's a crisis of Faith. And I'm barely holding on sometimes but the only thing one can do to get through times like these is to put one foot in front of the other. It may not be much but the other option - standing still, staying stuck - has never appealed to me.

"Dust to Dust" by The Civil Wars

I've been unmotivated to write here lately. Not uninspired - the words and ideas are still flowing. But to do what I want with this blog requires a lot of research and work. And it's hard for me to work right now. I forget how loud my mind gets when I'm not writing a lot. Especially when my consumption of information (reading and learning from podcasts or videos) does not match my creative output - my brain just retains too much. And it feels heavy. It weighs me down, even though it feels like it's moving so fast. It's frustrating, because I'm working so hard to feel better, but it still feels like I'm just treading water. So this one goes out to those who are feeling lost and lonely tonight - I'm with you, my friends.

It's not your eyes

It's not what you say

It's not your laughter

That gives you away

You're just lonely

You've been lonely too long

All your acting, your thin disguise

All your perfectly delivered lines

They don't fool me

You've been lonely too long

I've said it before, but I love The Civil Wars. Definitely a must-have band for any Southern Gothic playlist you might be building. Their music combines two things I adore in music - duets and folksy love songs. And bonus points for the spooky melodies in their repertoire, of which there are many. "Dust to Dust" is not particularly spooky, but it expresses a sentiment I think we all understand from time to time. When you're sad and lonely, there is nothing better than finding someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and understood. There's nothing that heals the soul so much as a deep connection. That's the dream, right? To find the one person who you truly connect with. Who gets it, gets all your weird thoughts and squirmy feelings, and likes you anyway. Someone who it is safe to be your authentic self with. I would argue this is extremely rare and, thus, incredibly special. 

Let me in the walls

You've built around

We can light a match

And burn them down

Let me hold your hand

And dance 'round and 'round the flames

In front of us

Dust to dust

You're like a mirror, reflecting me

Takes one to know one, so take it from me

You've been lonely

You've been lonely too long

We've been lonely

We've been lonely too long

During my research today, I learned that, unfortunately, the Civil Wars broke up in 2014. Not only that, but it was an especially brutal break up. To the point where they don't even talk anymore! When Joy Williams and J.P. White met up in 2009, they had incredible chemistry as a creative duo and quickly started churning out hits. A lot of people assumed this chemistry went deeper, which is understandable - when they performed, it seemed like they were the only two people in the world. So in sync. Even in the video for "Dust to Dust," you can see how much they enjoy being around each other - that's just them hanging out in Paris, no acting needed. People love a salacious backstory, and most performers are willing to give it to them. But here's the thing about chemistry, from a former actress (myself) - it can be faked and it often is by people who don't have the best of intentions. And even if it's real, it burns out quick if there's nothing substantial sustaining it. And if you have both but it's not controlled? It spirals into chaos and ignites everything, to the point of destruction, if you allow it. I'm almost certain they are telling the truth - that they weren't making anything together except music - but the rumors tore them apart anyway. No one knows the situation except them. But it sure is hard to ignore how he looks at her....

It's fun to speculate, but I'm going to still hold out hope that one day, they'll reconcile. Their music is just too good. And J.P. White is my kind of hot - like a Southern Johnny Depp. Which is ridiculous to say, because - fun fact - Johnny Depp was actually born and raised in the South (Kentucky). So, basically, I prefer a more sober version of Johnny Depp. I've found myself in a Civil Wars click hole on YouTube because it's inspiring the story at the heart of one of my writing projects. The one that's going to take a couple years to birth. I should probably get working on that....

"Dust to Dust" Video

"Crazy in Love - Remix" by Beyonce

 For Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share one of my favorite songs from my "Sexy Dancing with Myself" playlist (Did you get the reference?), which is the playlist I like to use when I'm practicing my S-factor moves. From a book, since taking an in-person class is still pretty risky right now. As you may have guessed, today's post is a Song du Jour entry, so I'll be rambling about whatever the fuck I want. And today, my friends, that's the insanity being sparked by the stellium in Aquarius squaring Uranus in Taurus. 

A lot has been said about what Uranus in Taurus will bring. As an Earth sign, Taurus is all about stability. Being a Venus-ruled sign, it's related to a lot of things - finances, luxury, self-love, beauty. But, when I think of Earth signs, it brings to mind sensuality. The element of Earth is all about the physical world. Our Earth sign friends are often considered unsexy - they are usually stubborn, often cold, and are considered calculating and critical. However - for the right person - Earth placements are can be incredibly sensual and sexual. Like Water placements, they are a feminine/receptive duality - yin energy is associated with wildness and pleasure, and Earth is closely associated with what happens when the emotional becomes physical. As such, Earth signs, when deep in love, often take on the more watery aspects of their opposing sign. Analytical Virgo can be as imaginative and playful as a Pisces when they've fallen for someone; Independent Taurus has near Scorpionic devotion to their partner; and Chilly Capricorn takes on downright Cancerian qualities of hopeless romanticism and affection when they've found their soulmate. Beyonce herself is a Virgo Queen and that's what this song is about. A girl who had it all figured out feels out of control once she finds her match. She is "Crazy in Love." 

I look and stare so deep in your eyes

I touch on you more and more every time

But that is not what this post is about, my friends. This post is about what happens when Uranus is causing havoc in a Venus-ruled sign, especially when that sign is Taurus. Venus-ruled Libra is the intellectual side of love - deep conversations, friendship, quality time - as well as the more traditional aspects of Victorian Romanticism (roses, hearts, etc.). Taurus, on the other hand, is about the more physically grounded aspects of Venus - combining assets and finances, buying things together, cooking and eating together, and sex/physical intimacy. When Uranus charts its path through Taurus, these are the things that are going to be shaken up. I always picture Earth signs as being very honest and direct and -especially with Taurus - authenticity is key for surviving this transit. I'm going to lay it out there with my predictions and say that one of the big things we're in for, especially with all these rough transits, is another sexual revolution. One thing I've noticed being purged from the collective unconscious in recent years is shame and dishonesty surrounding sexuality. People are more openly considering nontraditional partnership situations, like polyamory and swinging, as well as experimenting more in the bedroom.

When you leave, I'm begging you not to go

Call your name two, three times in a row

It's not all fun and games, though. We're also taking a deep look at what "consent" means and cracking down on gendered harassment. There's been an increase in reversed gender roles at home, with more women identifying as the breadwinner for their family as well as an increase in the number of men calling themselves "house-husbands" (which includes my own situation). Uranus transiting through a Venus-ruled sign was usually accompanied by changes in women's roles. During Uranus in Libra (1968-1975), we had the official "Sexual Revolution," which was marked by the landmark Roe v Wade decision and the rise of Second-Wave Feminism. The last time Uranus was in Taurus (1934-1942), women entered the workforce in droves to fill in for men during WWII. During this time, women also had opportunities to make their mark on science, academic, and military progress. It is important to note that Hedy Lamarr - at the time, the Most Beautiful Woman Alive - invented the frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology that would later serve as the basis for Bluetooth. If it seems like the women in your life have a lot going on, it's because they do.

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain

How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame

On a more personal note regarding Uranus in Taurus, I've found myself returning to things I've always been interested in, but it always felt like it was inappropriate to mention. Like pin-up art and burlesque performance, sex magick, tantra, witchcraft, and a preference for embracing my femininity and feminine beauty. Taurus rules my 12th House, which rules over what's hidden - these happen to be things I've always kept to myself. Those things are needed now to bring balance. A lot of those topics have been demonized and repressed into the collective shadow - it's only natural that they're popping back up to be reintegrated. Again, the solution is balance. The collective - and the individuals within the collective - need to embrace both healthy femininity and a healthy masculinity in order to thrive. End rant.

'Cause I know I don't understand

Just how your love can do what no one else can

I chose this song because I think it sounds sexy. There's a reason it's one of the themes for the "Fifty Shades of Grey" films. I know it says "remix" but I actually would consider it more of an "alternate version" as Beyonce completely rerecorded "Crazy in Love" for the film to create a darker, more sensual sounding song (the movie is a soft-core BDSM romance, after all). The original version borrows the hook from classic 70s soul and is a lot bouncier and more upbeat. Personally, I prefer the "Remix" as I think the sound fits my interpretation of the lyrics, which is that - for that one person - you kind of lose your mind a little bit. You act completely out of character and it makes no sense, but you're just.....carried away and consumed by waves of desire. The slowed-down version sounds a bit more tortured, more hesitant, more unsure of the outcome. Yes, we know she marries Jay-Z in the end but, for a moment there, Queen Bey was all over the place. 

"Crazy in Love - Remix" Video

Album Review: "Flowers for Vases//descansos" by Hayley Williams

Cover Art for "Flowers for Vases//descansos"

Hayley Williams released her second solo album, "Flowers for Vases//descansos" this past Friday, 5 February 2021. A video of the audio for one of the songs on the album showed up on my YouTube recommendations. Since it was just the audio, they were using the cover artwork as the thumbnail and that's what truly drew me in. I found it sensual and evocative. The cover features a feminine body (probably Williams) immersed in water, with the water swirling from shades of deep magenta and hot pink to a viscous white. That first song echoed something I have been feeling intensely, so much so that I decided to listen to the album on Spotify. This is one of those albums - for me - that appeared at precisely the exact time I needed it. I've been incredibly interested in healing modalities for various reasons (PPD, Complex-PTSD, general trauma recovery) and music therapy is one of those obvious tracks for me to explore, because it's been such a major tool in my own journey. Lately, artists have been releasing albums that are not only intensely personal, but also provide as much healing for the listener as they did for the artist making them. I think it's just that 2020 stirred up so much shit for everyone that we'll be working through those triggers deep into 2021 and beyond. I personally welcome music that helps me feel my own feelings, because I have a hard time doing that. I repress a lot of things, I put on a happy face for others because I think that's what they need (regardless of what I need), and so it's usually not apparent I'm in distress until things get really bad. Believe me - it's something I'm aware of and I'm working on.

This album is very much about memories and the unexpected grief they bring with them. The subtitle for this album - and the name of one of the tracks - is "descansos," which is a Spanish term for a memorial placed at the site of a violent and unexpected death. They are often seen at the site of fatal auto accidents. These are very common in New Mexico (as well as other places in the Southwest, particularly places with a large Hispanic population) and were a familiar site in my childhood. You can sort of hear that slightly Western influence in the songs on the album. Overall, the tone of the album was low-key, almost folksy - I could imagine Williams testing out the songs around a campfire, a flannel shirt protecting her from the desert winds. All the songs embody a different aspect of loneliness, the kind of loneliness you only get by ruminating on old memories, both good and bad. It is not clear what she is feeling this grief from. The songs could be interpreted as arising from a bad breakup (Williams got a divorce in 2017), a death of a loved one, or maybe she's just working through the pain she felt as a child during her own parents' divorce. It could be an amalgamation of all three. The songs are so amorphous, it seems as if Williams has left it to the listener to decide what memories this album elicits for them. Let's do a brief walkthrough of the songs on this album, hitting the highlights and my favorites (including the song that sparked this post) so you can get a feel for the musical journey you'll get if you decide to listen through.

First thing to go was the sound of his voice

These are the opening lyrics of this album. "First Thing to Go" captures that desperation you feel when you know you're forgetting pieces of a person and you're trying to hold on. Part of you knows it might be for the best, but you don't want to lose them completely. I mentioned this feeling a few posts ago. It reminds me of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." You think things will be easier if you could just forget. But the good things disappear, too. Like the sound of their voice, the exact color of their eyes, the feel of their hands in yours. These sensory things that feel so memorable in the moment start to fade away. The final torture of time and distance, because you're present the whole time, aware that it's happening. Watching it slip through your hands, like so much water. Just for reference - because I can't help myself - Hayley's Chiron is in Cancer, directly opposite her Sun in Capricorn (she actually has a whole stellium in Cap - Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are all in the game). She's very aware of her wounds and this placement can definitely show up as protecting her pain out of sentimental nostalgia. 

After this, the album moves into "My Limb," easily the catchiest song and one of my favorites. The chorus is stuck in my head even now. The idea expressed is that, some people are so interconnected to you, it's like losing a limb when they're gone. Part of you would rather die ("bleed out" to use her imagery) than let go of them. To even let go of the memories of them. In amputations, there's this phenomena of phantom sensations. I think we get that for other things, too, especially with connections. Like with phones. If you're used to getting a lot of messages on your phone, you might hear rings or feel vibrations, but when you check your phone, there's nothing. It's a disconcerting feeling. Almost like you're losing your mind, because it's clear you're obviously imagining it.

If you gotta amputate, don't give me the tourniquet

You wish that I would run away, sever what isn't working

But I'll let my body bleed out, leaning to my left side

If your part of me is gone now, do I wanna survive?

The next song is called "Asystole." I had to google what that meant, so I'll share the meaning for your benefit - an asystole is the sound of the lack of a heartbeat. You may be more familiar with the term "flatlining." That's an asystole. The lyrics show her trying to convince herself she's better off without the person she's singing about. But, in reality, she feels dead and wants to be revived. The mind is trying to talk the heart out of what it knows. This leads very aptly into the next song, "Trigger." This is another one of those relationship post-mortem songs. Trying to figure out why this one person, this one relationship hurt so much. A lot of it comes down to our attachment style, our core wounds from childhood, and our expectations of Love. Most relationships will activate a couple of these things but at a manageable level. Once in a while, though, one relationship will activate all of them at once. These usually blow up pretty quickly, because time and distance is needed to work through the "triggers." Otherwise, you're just hurting each other.

'Cause I got the trigger, but you hold the gun

How come you never put the safety on?

Let's move forward to "Good Grief." This one hit hard. Not only does it most incorporate the Western undertones into the melody, but the lyrics are devastatingly honest about the physical side effects of grief. The opening lines are about not eating since the triggering event. Starvation is my go-to self-destructive behavior and when I'm severely depressed, I lose a lot of weight. During the first few weeks of PPD, I hardly ate. My first day out of the hospital after my second son was born, my dad and husband went out to get me one of my favorite meals - Tofu Pad Thai. What I used to be able to devour in one or two meals, I could barely eat a few bites. In fact, I barely ate at all the first month after giving birth. I don't want to go into the reasons why - all I can say is it didn't feel worth the trouble. To quote the song, "there's no such thing as good grief." But, it is necessary to move through grief when it's triggered, or else you get stuck at one of the stages. Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, Denial - or maybe you just keep waffling between all the stages. It's a process. And you have to keep going until you reach and can sustain Acceptance.

"KYRH" stands for "Keep You Right Here." This is the song I found on YouTube that pulled me into this musical journey. It's so fucking simple - only a few lines of lyrics, repeated in two verses. She allows the piano to fill in the rest. And that's how you know it's good poetry, when only a few words can elicit such emotional catharsis. You understand exactly how she's feeling. She's going to keep this person as close as she can, without crossing whatever line has been drawn. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Keep you right here where the line is

At my fingers, on the surface

Keep you right here where the line is

Keep you right here

The final song I'm going to bring to your attention is "No Use I Just Do." There's this thing I do, as a hopeless romantic - always striving to truly understand what love is. Especially with everything I've been learning about trauma bonds and attachment wounds and inner child healing, I went through a couple months not believing Love was a real thing. It seems all I see everywhere are wounded, broken people who are just afraid to be alone. They don't really care if it's love as long as someone is there. There was a point where it felt like I had a black hole where my heart should be. Again, this is where feeling my feelings (through embodiment practices) has become so vital. It has helped me to know how love feels like in my body (an overpowering warmth radiating from my heart). Because Love is not a mental thing - when it's real, it is inconvenient, it doesn't make sense, it can't really even be justified. It just is. It's just there and you don't know what to do with it. Especially when it has nowhere to go. Words can't describe it, it has to be felt. It's easy to find someone to fill in a space, but the heart is wiser than that. It knows where to go in those quiet moments. I love the chorus on this - it's like a mantra. And the hopeless romantic part of me wants to bathe in it forever, it's that beautiful.

If I just wanted someone to hold

Then really, anyone would do

I close my eyes and really try

Not to turn 'em into you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just love you

It's no use, I just do

My final recommendation - I highly encourage you to go give this album a listen because it's worth it. It's gorgeous all the way through. I found myself wishing the songs were longer and, in terms of length, it is a short listen at 42 minutes from start to finish. Going to share the audio video for "KYRH" as a taster. Enjoy!

"KYRH" Video