2011 VMAs: The Long-Awaited Breakdown

I just thought she was getting fat...

I think I've done enough procrastinating on this and it's forced my hand.  I have to be honest -- I didn't watch the VMAs this year.  Even the lure of Chelsea Handler hosting the awards could not convince me that my time wouldn't be spent better working on short stories or building websites.  For the record, I dislike most award shows.  I am of the opinion that award shows are mostly just celebrity strokefests or, in cases like the Oscars or the Grammys, an attempt for the stars to convince the adoring masses that they have taste in their respective arts.  As much as I love Arcade Fire, you can't convince me that their winning Album of the Year had nothing to do with the fact that those voting probably had no idea who they were before the Grammys and therefore, Arcade Fire must be the most artistically deserving nominee, regardless if it was true or not.  Same with "The Hurt Locker."  A word to celebrities:  Award Shows are NOT the appropriate venue to express your political beliefs. 

I have a special aversion to any award shows with the words MTV or Teen's choice attached to them because, let's face it, the vast majority of the people who watch/vote for those ones have no creativity or desire to explore new options.  Which is why it was complete bullsh*t that Twilight won everything at Teen's Choice this year.  If I were Emma Watson, whose performance as Hermione -- her acting choices for which I didn't agree with very often -- was infinitely better than Kristen Stewart's lifeless Bella Swan, I would be pissed.  So, in general, if teenagers are the majority of the voting populace, it's probably best to just write it off as mindless tomfoolery and save the primetime spots for something worth watching.  Unfortunately, network executives don't share my views.  But....since they are kind of a big thing in the music world, I will touch upon a few highlights.

• OMG!  Beyonce is pregnant! --  What?!  One of the top grossing celebrity couples in the world who have been married for several years is going to have a baby?!  You're f*cking me....I didn't see that coming at all.  Yes, my friends, Beyonce is abandoning her curvaceous silhouette for a more maternal one and everyone is all aghast and buzzing about it.  Why this is the case is beyond me.  Anyone with any intuitive sense about people could've told you that Beyonce is the "mom" type -- and I think she'll be a good one, in spite of her massive fortune which gives her ability to hire an army of nannies.  I'm more interested in how easy it will be for her to get back into booty-shaking shape.  She had a great body and she was always moving and exercising, so if she loses that battle of the baby bulge, I am definitely opting for a surrogate.

• Lady Gaga attends as Jo Calderone --  I'm going to say it and I don't give a f*ck if you disagree -- Lady Gaga pretending to be her male alter ego the whole night is pretty tame by Gaga standards.  She went to the Grammys in an space-egg and has worn dresses made of meat, for chrissakes!!  Thousands of people dress in drag all the time, and they don't get near as much attention as Gaga did.  In my opinion, all it proves is that Lady Gaga is better at staying in character than the majority of Hollywood actors. 
• Katy Perry Wins Video of the Year -- Big.  F*cking. Deal.  I'm sorry, but let's come to grips with the situation -- Katy Perry could fart in surround sound and mainstream America would buy three copies of the album, give her an award, and then beg to lick her feet.  Sure, the "Firework" video was an uplifting be-who-you-are puff piece but it was far from original -- the pool party scene was totally stolen from Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle."  I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any Katy Perry songs on my iPod, but, as a person, I really doubt I would be friends with her in RL -- if that were even an option.  It seems like she tries really hard to come off as wierd and quirky, but her act feels far from genuine, not to mention the numerous self-righteous comments she makes about other people's work.  And, seriously -- WTF was up with that hat?!  I calls 'em like I sees 'em:  Factory Girl.
• Foo Fighters Win Best Rock Video --  Of course they did.  In a line-up full of outstanding nominees that most people don't listen to, of course you're going to pick the group you remember from the 90s.  It's human nature.  I'm not saying the Foo Fighters aren't great artists; I'm just saying they're a safe bet during awards season.
• Britney Got Her Groove Back --  Britney, I believe, has fully realized her come-back potential.  Unfortunately, her music sounds more euro-pop-trash than ever.  I was rooting for you, Britney, but you can hardly tell she can sing with all the synthetization and dark eye make-up going on.  To be fair, though, using a post-apocalyptic background for a music video is generally an ingredient for an awesome visual.
• Adele Won Everything...Except Video of the Year -- Could you explain to me how that works?  "Rolling in the Deep" won three VMAs -- Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, and Best Editing -- all categories that contained a Katy Perry video (which, coincidentally, was not "Firework") and she still lost Video of the Year.  That's the one thing I don't understand about awards shows and has led me to hypothesize that they're a ruse for celebrities to show they have "culture."  I don't get how a nominee could win every category that would supposedly go into being "The Best" but still not take home the big prize.  It doesn't make any logical sense.  And that is why, even after high school, "Real Life" is just an epic popularity contest.