I have a tendency to idealize things. Especially people. Guess I was always looking for a savior - and I found several. Not just people, but situations, hopes, dreams. All with tons of potential. But they never measured up. Things eventually became imperfect, somehow, and that's what always broke my heart. That's what the song is about. Falling in love with the potential and then being disappointed with the reality. Afterwards, you just feel drained and empty. And oh so vulnerable. That's the worst part. Like you wasted your time, your love, your effort. Where do you go after that? Well, inwards obviously. To figure out what you needed saving from, for starters. An already disappointing life? What was so disappointing about it? A lot of people run towards fantasies to avoid the actual problems in their life. It's normal. American culture even encourages it a bit. But it's not healthy. And it won't make you happy.
This takes us back to The Lover archetype and its shadows. Both shadows (The Addicted Lover and The Impotent Lover) have a problem with idealizing others, which ultimately is a way to allocate personal responsibility from themselves and push it onto others. It manifests in the Addicted Lover as moving from person to person, passion to passion, searching for something that they can't seem to find. He'll stay engrossed until something breaks the illusion, then he'll drop it for something else, hoping it fills the void. On the flip side, the Impotent Lover may have found that ideal, that something he was looking for, and yet, feels powerless to pursue it. With perfection just out of his reach, disappointment shades everything else, making life seem dull. For a person who has not maximized The Lover's potential, they may shift between these two different poles. We sort of see what that looks like in the lyrics of "Torn." The man she met seemed perfect and wonderful. Then something happened and when she saw the reality of the situation - that who she wanted him to be is not who he was - she felt like a fool to allow herself to become so vulnerable. And she's surrendered to the inevitable. The fantasy has dissolved and she has to let it go because you can't go back to how things were before.
So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch, I'm torn
So how do we deal with this aspect of the shadow? Well, as we've learned already, The Lover energy is all about staying present. Enjoying the sensations you're feeling but staying grounded in reality. To do that, you have to slow down and talk to yourself, especially when you feel like you're being carried away by a strong emotion. In the moment, ask yourself these questions:
- When you find yourself thinking everything is perfect: Am I idealizing this person or situation? If so, what am I idealizing and why? Assess before taking any next steps.
- When you find yourself disappointed: What were my expectations? Were my expectations abnormally high? If not, did you communicate what your expectations were?
- When you're idealizing a person: Can you find anything you don't like? Are they flaws you can live with? In the first few months of a relationship, people tend to ignore red flags that would've indicated that it wasn't going to work out. Anger and trust issues. Different core values. Incompatible life goals. The things you find yourself shrugging off and tolerating in the beginning are usually the reasons why the relationship ends.
- When you're idealizing a situation: What is actually happening here? How does the situation look from an outside perspective? Find a friend who is willing to be honest and take note of how you react to what they say. If you find yourself getting defensive, that's a big indicator that you're trying to protect your fantasy and you need to step back.
The above advice may seem kind of cynical, especially when it comes to relationships. But, as someone who has jumped into many situations without taking my own advice (or the advice of others), slowing down does make a difference. I had a friend tell me once that I was always running when she saw me. I've always felt this urgency. Everything has to happen now, or else it won't happen. The fear of missing out. Word to the wise - missing out on something not the worst thing that could happen. Because what happens when that thing or person you're running towards turns out not to be worth it? Well, it turns into just another lesson on your journey and, hopefully, you're better for the experience.
“Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in it's place?” - Virginia Woolf
"Torn" Video
Interestingly enough your advice is good because it requires you to asses, but in my most recent relationship there was a lot of discussion that cut to the core of things rather quickly.
ReplyDeleteFor example, we have actually planned quite far ahead in the future because we're both in our mid 30s and as a result there's considerations of time. Why waste your time on something not worth pursuing in the long term.
Expectations were a major part of these discussions, what did we want out of it and what did we expect to get. We also discussed our flaws in great detail and are prepared to accept them as they come.
I personally chalk a lot of this up to dating in our mid thirties, but also the fact that we've known each other for ten years. We're intimately familiar with each other in a way most people aren't when they start a relationship.
Also the Ednaswap version of Torn is way better.
"We're intimately familiar with each other in a way most people aren't when they start a relationship."
ReplyDeleteAnd I think that's where the fundamental difference is. Most people just jump in head first, generating a relationship out of thin air, without regard to what they want or who the person they're dating really is outside of the "honeymoon" period. I think starting out as friends first is the ideal situation, because you already know you like them as a person, even when sex isn't involved.
If you can do the assessment through a conversation with the person in question, than I think that's a good thing. Probably the best thing, actually, because you don't end up in the deep end without a rope, so to speak.
Also...agreed.