"I Don't Wanna Live Forever" by Taylor Swift and ZAYN

I love duets like this, when you get both points of view and, of course, they're weirdly mirrored. And it makes you wonder - why can't these two people work it out? If they want to be with each other so much, why don't they do what they need to do to make it happen? Of course, I don't know what the problem between the two people in the song is. It sounds like she feels like she's giving him everything and she's getting nothing back. And he realizes he's doing this and he doesn't know why, because he wants to give her everything, too. So what's stopping him? I know that answer could be incredibly complicated, so I'm trying to suspend judgement. Because, honestly, there's two people making a choice in this song.

Both are hoping that the other will call (or text) but not making the first move themselves. What are they afraid of? That the other person doesn't feel the same? That it's really over? Or worse, it's not over but maybe it should be. And that's what will haunt them - that they ended things too soon, because of petty obstacles. My favorite lyric in this song is "Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life." Isn't that the worst feeling? Knowing that there's so many things wrong (or one major thing) with a relationship but knowing that you love the other person so much and you want to be with them anyway, no matter what happens. I like to think that Love conquers all but when I say conquer, I mean conquer - it can leave a path of destruction and bodies like nothing else in this world. Romeo and Juliet. Guinevere and Lancelot. Antony and Cleopatra. In all three of these stories, the two people involved loved each other like the moon loves the sun....and their affairs resulted in massive wars and countless lives lost. Although I seem to be making a cynical point, I'm not. In any case, these stories (fictional and historical) have the same lesson - True Love is worth the cost. That being said, given the level of potential destruction, it's probably not for the weak.

I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind

Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life, oh

Baby, baby, I feel crazy

Up all night, all night and every day

I gave you something, but you gave me nothing

What is happening to me?

The chorus always kind of makes me wonder, though. I just want to keep calling your name until you come back home. I'm assuming this sentence is more figurative than literal. Although, it is kind of a funny to imagine they're each on a street corner, in the rain, screaming for each other. Like they're looking for a lost puppy or something. (There's a metaphor in there, I know it...) No, I'm almost certain they're talking about their soul crying out for the other person. As perhaps we all do, when we're in the throes of existential dread. But does the other person hear it? Do they feel it? This has been one of the great metaphysical questions I've been pondering lately. Is it possible to know if someone is thinking of you? Or is it all just wishful thinking? I hope Person X is thinking of me but I have no control over that. No one does. Also, there's also the main theme of the song - they don't want to live forever if it means living without the other person. This makes me think of the book I'm writing, which ruminates on the perils of Immortality for precisely this reason. Immortality is ultimately the curse of loneliness, a curse to live without the ones you love for the majority of your days. As much fun as it would to finish my epic reading list, the prospect of living forever only to watch the people I care most about slip away constantly would be heartbreaking. As you may have guessed, my story ideas don't come from the cheeriest of places.

Speaking of origin stories, this song was specifically formulated to be the theme for "Fifty Shades Darker." I have a confession - I tried to read the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy. But I just couldn't - I don't want to judge another's writing but it definitely wasn't for me since I couldn't even finish the first chapter. Trust me, there's better erotica out there, my friends. For instance, I'm reading a historical fantasy series called Kushiel's Legacy by Jacqueline Carey. It takes place in a reimagined Renaissance-period Europe where courtesans are revered as performing a sacred service. It's intriguing and, although her overuse of highfalutin words (most of which I think she made up) can be kind of annoying, I generally like the flowery luxuriousness of the world Carey created. Just a warning - like "Fifty Shades," it's high on the BDSM scale. In the current book I'm reading, Phedre has decided to return to Naamah's service, much to the chagrin of her True Love, Joscelin. Pained by her choice, after he's forsaken all his Cassiline Brotherhood vows for her, he decides to return to celibacy. This, of course, is painful to Phedre because he effectively takes back the love he said he had for her. At least in practice - there's multiple times in the book so far where today's Song du Jour would be quite fitting.

A few words about the video. It follows Zayn Malik - the most attractive former member of One Direction (and the most successful thus far) - and Taylor Swift (looking smolderingly beautiful, as is her custom) roaming around New York after they stopped seeing each other. They both look sad and lonely. But they must stay apart, because that is a disgustingly attractive pairing. However, it must be said that the guys Taylor dates in real life aren't nearly as hot as Malik and it's kind of a shame. She has this tendency to cast really super attractive men in her videos but then she turns around and dates Jake Gyllenhaal and John Mayer, of all people. All I'm saying is....the poor girl needs an intervention.

"I Don't Wanna Live Forever" Video

"Hotter Than Hell" by Dua Lipa

The last couple of posts were super serious, so I wanted to choose something more fun and upbeat for today. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs when I go running...or when I'm practicing some S-Factor moves alone in my room. As I said in an earlier post, Latina women are kind of having a moment, especially in music, and that was very evident at the Grammy's this year, with Dua Lipa winning Best New Artist and Best Dance Recording; Cardi B winning Best Rap Album (on top of being nominated for 7 awards); and Ariana Grande winning Best Pop Vocal album in a category that included stiff competition like Taylor Swift and P!nk. Camila Cabello had two nominations and, although she didn't win anything, her performance of "Havana" was on fire.

Dua Lipa wrote this song after a toxic relationship, where the guy basically used her for sex and misused her emotions. By the end of it, she felt like she was worthless. This relationship is featured in many of her songs, one of which I plan to use for another post later this month. Instead of focusing on how she was used, she wrote this song to twist around the situation so that she was in control. Again, another artist transmuting her dark experiences into something magical. In the song, she's the one who has the power, like he's the one being used for her pleasure. A temptress. He can try but he can't get away. The lyrics are quite aggressive, which is one of the things that makes it a great "song to strip to" (yes, I have a whole list of these that I'll eventually write down, don't worry). I can understand the sentiment. I have a tendency to be "aggressive" in relationships....and I'm going to be honest, that's never worked out for me. Mr. Nice Guy said I "kissed too passionately." The Moviestar was - I don't know - not interested in being chased....so I didn't. I'm a once bitten, twice shy kind of girl - you only get one chance and it's gone if you don't take it. And honestly, the only times things sort of worked out is when they chased me, so the lesson I learned here is that if he's not chasing, he's not interested. Yes, I know some guys are too shy or scared to chase. That's too bad - I don't fuck with cowards. Not anymore. Not ever again.

(SLANG NOTE: By "I don't fuck with cowards," I mean I don't bother with them, I don't waste my time, not the literal meaning of "fuck" - although it does, technically, mean that too. I know I have a lot of international readers who aren't familiar with American Millennial Twitterisms, so I thought a clarification might be in order.)

You're my manna from heaven

We all gotta get fed

Can't let me know I'm wanted

Can't let me in your head

I'm not here to make you kneel

But it's praise that I'll get

You ain't gonna walk free boy

Not finished with you yet, no

The "I don't fuck with cowards thing" also goes for my own life as well. (I am a Gryffindor, after all...) I decided to re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" again, after recently reading a piece by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. This book made a major impact on my life and, re-reading it, it's astonishing how much of my current inner guidance is reflected within its pages. Gilbert always struck me as so brave, to choose to blow up her life in order to be happy. I've found a kindred spirit in Gilbert and not only because she is also a Cancer Sun with Gemini Rising (although I found that an amusing coincidence....the first time I read the book, I probably didn't care, but with my newfound hobby as an amateur astrologist, I understand a lot of the similarities between me and her, which may be why I resonated with her story so much, even as a teenager). I am now the same age as she was when her story - the journey she describes in the book - initially began and, in many ways, I find myself facing the same questions. What do I really want? For her, in the aftermath of a messy divorce, that question was answered at first with a desire to learn Italian and visit her Guru's ashram. I also desperately want to learn Italian and have decided that now is as good a time as any to start discovering one of my ancestral languages. Especially after reading her passionate words about the language and saying some of her favorite words out loud, I feel like it's time to try it out. She thought learning Italian was kind of a random desire, especially for a WASP girl from Connecticut, but she still followed it. It was one that had eaten at her for years, which got me thinking...What is a desire that has eaten at me for years?

When I run, it's kind of a meditative action for me. A time to let my mind and imagination run free. Sometimes, I imagine I am a superhero. Or spy in training. And those fantasies are fun, I'll admit. But my favorite fantasy, lately, has been imagining myself as a Burlesque performer. For a long time, when I heard songs, I would construct whole Burlesque routines around them. And not just the dance routines, but the costumes, the lighting, the props, the scenery.....everything. Everything that goes into a performance. But I've never put it into action and lately, I've been asking myself "Why not?" I'll go through Instagram and see posts from the Suicide Girls' BlackHeart Burlesque, and think, "I could do that....I could do that well." And again, that infuriatingly calm, insistent voice - "Why don't you?" And I think there's a lot of shame and fear behind it, because when I've expressed interest in the Burlesque world in the past, the reaction I've gotten from people was, "Really? That's kind of out of character for you, isn't it?" Now, I'm realizing...no, it isn't out of character for me. It's out of character for the idea people had/have of me, which is the bookish, quiet type. A lot of people don't know I'm a natural performer but I am, always have been, since I was a little girl. In high school, my best friend's mom told me I glowed when I was on stage. And I do. I really do. Anyway, there's something in me who wants to explore this and the interest hasn't gone away after 15+ years, so maybe it's time to take action. Take a class or two. Even if I just perform for myself or my partner, I know it's something I want to do, a skill I want to learn, and that's probably not going to change.

Let's talk about the video. Dua Lipa does dance music, essentially, so it's what you'd expect a dance music video to be like. Dancing seductively in a warehouse with a bunch of other young, gorgeous people. For the record, I find Dua Lipa extremely beautiful. I'm finding that I'm attracted to all my spiritual guides, musical or otherwise, because of their beauty. And it's not that I'm attracted to women - honestly not interested in sex with women at all - I'm just very drawn to feminine beauty. I guess I have a latent desire to embody it, so I seek out people that I see that in. Figure I can learn something from them, you know? I understand that's a weird perspective - to see beautiful women as teachers and allies, not competition. Because, fundamentally, I don't believe their beauty detracts from mine, because it's something wholly separate and unique and worthy of admiration. It's not a threat, it's a gift. Personally, I think this is a good perspective, and it's certainly been healthier for my self-esteem. I'll probably be exploring this more next month, but you know....I love a good prologue.

"Hotter Than Hell" Video

"The Only Exception" by Paramour

This morning, I woke up about 30 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off with one phrase being repeated over and over. "Be Love. The people who are meant to be in your life will rise up to meet you." I don't know why but it felt very profound. All day, I've been pondering what it means. And I think that it's this - allow yourself to love as if you've never been hurt before, as if you can't be hurt. Those who are meant for you will match your intensity, match that vibration. They will choose to change, because that is what love does. It changes everything. In fact, love - genuine, real, unconditional Love - is the only thing that ever really changed anything, when you think about it.

So what does it mean to be Love? Well, I'm not particularly religious but I do like that one Bible quote, because it always rang true. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." I'll admit, it's hard to embody that - but most people don't even really try nowadays. They think they're justified in their outrage at little things - things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't particularly matter - that they forget that they're directing that anger and hatred at real people. It's easy to get stuck in your head, get mired down in your thoughts, your opinions, your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. But, after a very lonely childhood spent stuck in my own head, I figured out the hard way that happiness is found in the connections we have with other people, no matter how tenuous we think those threads are.

Last weekend, I binge watched "Russian Doll" on Netflix (which I highly recommend) and a lot of things kind of clicked in my head. There's one episode where the main character, Nadia, spends a whole night watching over a homeless man to prevent his shoes from being stolen, because she knows that without the shoes, he's going to freeze to death in one timeline. So, lesson number 1 - if you can, be someone's guardian angel. You may think a random act of kindness is small and meaningless, but it may not be. Next, Nadia had to face her inner child and the guilt she felt for choosing herself - her own well-being - by telling a social worker that she wanted to live with her mom's friend, and not her mom. This episode hit me kind of hard, because Nadia's relationship with her mother very closely resembled mine. She had to grow up a lot sooner than she should've had to, she had to take care of someone psychologically who should've been taking care of her, so it felt wrong and selfish to acknowledge what she wanted. Lesson number 3, forgive yourself for choosing yourself, especially in situations where things were out of your control. And lesson number 4, there is nothing you can do to make someone happy if they aren't choosing to be happy for themselves. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. Ever. But that doesn't mean you can't take responsibility for helping them do what they need to do. Which leads to lesson number 5 - we are responsible for our own happiness, so do what you need to do. If you need to go to therapy, go to therapy. If you need to make a change in your life, make that change. Don't expect anyone else to make you happy, because they will always fail to meet your expectations, and that's not fair to put on them.

I liked the season finale because, in the last episode, the two main characters - Nadia and Alan - have to prove that they learned these lessons by being separated into two  timelines and make the choice they failed to make originally. Throughout the show, they keep trying to figure out how they're connected. Well, in the end, they discover they were meant to save each other and when they learn this, the timelines merge and they're back together again. This reminds me of the ending of one of my favorite movies, "Wristcutters: A Love Story." In it, a guy (Zia) is trapped in purgatory after he commits suicide. In purgatory, he's living out the same boring life he was living before he died, until he meets a girl (Mikal) who insists there's been a mistake and demands to speak to the People in Charge (PIC). So he goes on a journey to help her find the PIC and, of course, they fall in love. Mikal is given a chance to return to life but she tells Zia that she'll come back. He's left waiting, convinced he'll never see her again but happy that she got what she wanted. The PIC take pity on him and return him to life, too. Zia wakes up in a hospital bed and when he turns to the patient next to him, he realizes it's Mikal and they smile at each other. They smile because they know they'll never be alone again.

Maybe I know, somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

To make it alone

But keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

Keeping a comfortable, distance

And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm content

With loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

I chose this song for Valentine's Day because I find something very honest in it. In the video, Haley Williams is lying in a pile of stereotypical Valentine's Day crap during some scenes, in kind of an ironic twist. I think the lyrics speak to something a lot of people can relate to - they go through life trying so hard to protect their heart, after years of disappointments and sadness. But when you fall in love - real love - you want to remove all those barriers. You want to get over all those fears of abandonment, rejection, loss, unworthiness, because you know that those don't allow you to be the best person you can be. And that's how love changes us - it should make us remember who we want to be, because that person is amazing. And if you love someone, you want to give them someone amazing and nothing less. And that requires taking some chances and doing something scary. It may require you to drop habits and behaviors and beliefs that you've had for decades. It should. I think we let ourselves get kind of cynical after a while. We become convinced that we're unlovable because we're not pretty enough, or smart enough, or fast enough or any number of "enoughs." Fill in the blank and you'll see what I mean. And then we use those lies as excuses to build a wall to keep love out, because we're afraid. Love doesn't exist. Love never lasts. Love is pain. Love is torture. Love is a trap. None of that is true, of course, but you'd never know that looking at society. And I'm tired of being cynical.

Sorry for the long rant. I think I had a lot more to say from when I was planning this in my head earlier, but it's late, I'm really tired, and I'm honestly surprised I even wrote this much. As far as visual interpretations go, I think video is worth watching. It's basically a psychologically analysis of how Williams' childhood shaped her approach to love. In the video, she meets this guy and he stays with her all night just talking after a love at first sight moment. In the beginning, the intensity makes her afraid and she's about to bail on him. But after looking at the things that make her want to run, she comes the conclusion that she'll regret it if she doesn't take this chance, so she returns to the original moment and makes a different choice.

"The Only Exception" Video

"On Hold" by The Xx

I don't know why, but I'm feeling this song tonight. I had originally picked out another song but I changed my mind. This song is kind of sad because it's about missed opportunities, especially for young love. It speaks to harsh lessons that some people have to learn sooner than others. About accepting the reality of a situation and choosing not to feed it anymore.

In the song - and in the video for the song - you have a girl who is in love with a boy. But she perceives that he's not as interested - either he's flaky or he's chasing after other people or not giving her the attention she wants - whatever it is, he's not showing up and meeting her in the middle, but he still thinks she'll be around whenever he wants her. So, without resentment or anger, she's walking away completely because she deserves better. Now, he regrets it and realizes his mistake. But it's too late, she's not coming back. Not without a major change anyway. And maybe not ever, in spite of whatever Grand Romantic Gesture he's considering. That's a hard lesson to learn. To not take someone for granted, not to treat them like they'll always be there, because that's never the case. Ever. Likewise, it's a hard lesson to learn not to let people take advantage of you - claiming your attention, your thoughts, your energy - when they're not earning it. But I think a lot of people - both men and women - accept it because they're afraid to be alone. Maybe being alone is not so bad, though, especially when someone's treating you like an option instead of the option. In that case, walking away might be the only move you can make. Make it a clean break. And accept that it's the end, because if the other person didn't want it to be the end, they would've tried harder to keep you around.

My young heart

Chanced to believe

We were destined

Young hearts

All need love

Call it a lesson

The stars and the charts and the cards make sense

Only when we want them to

When I lie awake staring in to space

I see a different view

This song came out a few years ago and it's the above verse that caught my attention (of course it would...I'm so predictable when it comes to esoteric references). This is silly but, once upon a time, 19-year-old me thought that The Moviestar (formerly The Muse) and I were meant to be. To be fair, he seemed interested at the time. But that was all in my head and it took me a long time - longer than I'd care to admit - that it was never going to happen. Thinking about it now, I thought he'd be a (fairly large) chapter in my memoir but now I realize he was just a footnote. I'm not even sure I really liked him as a person, just the idea of who he was in my head. Now, when you actually like the person, that makes walking away a lot harder. But if they're not matching your energy, then it's probably for the best, because you deserve someone who is enthusiastic to meet you halfway. It becomes easy for them, because they want to do it. Think of Morticia and Gomez - although she may be more reserved and cool, she still has the same intense passion for Gomez that he has for her. They never fight but that doesn't mean they don't have disagreements - they resolve differences calmly and with understanding of the other's perspective. Although we never see it onscreen, it's always hinted that they have an active sex life. They always make an effort to be their best selves for each other. And finally, they're a team....in everything!

Anyway, to sum up for the young'uns - don't settle just because you're lonely. Don't let people use you. If you want more than someone is willing to give you, walk away because - if you want to - you'll find someone who will give you what you're looking for. And if you happen to be in the reverse situation, don't for one moment think you're entitled to someone's affection or attention. If you're interested, be interested. And don't be surprised if they don't stick around when you're acting lukewarm. And there's your daily dose of Love Advice with Dr. Jess (pretty sure I'm ready for my own radioshow....like Dr. Laura but not really like Dr. Laura cuz I kinda fucking hate her).

Let's talk about the video for a moment, because this is one of those very rare video where I actually like that it's an extremely literal translation of the lyrics. It follows two high schoolers who hooked up at a party, she thought it was going somewhere but then he ghosted her or something and now, she's done. In fact, the girl after the whole debacle seems a lot colder, a lot less loving. And that's the risk - when this sort of thing happens to people, it makes them a lot less trusting, a lot more afraid to be vulnerable, which is essential when you want to find love. They've lost their ability to love...and some people never get that back. Trust me. I have a psychology degree.

"On Hold" Lyrics

"Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" by Blessid Union of Souls

I spent the better part of this weekend completely devastated because I made the mistake of going to a "Moulin Rouge" movie party on Friday. How can that be my favorite movie if it fucks me up that badly every time I see it? I was very close to ugly crying in the theater, so much so that I couldn't sing at times...and I fucking love singing! Even today, thinking about it, my heart is so heavy. Thus, I need something happy to lift my spirits. Something with extremely liberal use of the harmonica. Double points if it hearkens back to my childhood and has numerous instantly dated pop culture references. Ah, Blessid Union of Souls! You never let me down....

This song is great because it makes me think of that sort of love we all dream about. Where we've found someone who likes us, even the not-so-great parts, and doesn't expect us to be something we're not. They just like hanging out with us in all our strange glory. It doesn't matter if we dress weird or study the occult or have a penchant for using small - but difficult - words. Yes....I may have been describing myself. I'm a handful. I know I'm a handful. I have a tendency to talk like a valley girl but occasionally throw in a "y'all" or some French words to throw people off. My idea of dressing up has just a tad too much cleavage to be considered classy and I own way too much Harry Potter-themed apparel. I'm "smart" but have admittedly some out there beliefs, but - to be fair - I believe in those things because (after 30 years of searching) I know in my heart they're true (and that's good enough for me). And I annoy myself sometimes because I sound like such a know-it-all, even in my own head. But I'm not trying to be! I just read a lot about everything, so I have something to say about everything. And I know I'm weird. I've always been weird. I was the creepy kid who liked bats, watched obscure foreign films, and used the emerging Internet to look up Wicca correspondence tables and Sailor Moon gifs. I still am that creepy kid....only now, I just don't have the amount of fucks needed to keep that stuff hidden. If that's not what floats someone's boat, I can't do anything about that. I can't be someone I'm not. Just have to move along as best I can.

Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark

The things that we're afraid of 

are gonna show us what we're made of in the end

She likes me for me

Not because I sing like Pavarotti

Or because I'm such a hottie

I like her for her

Not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford

She has got so much to offer

Why does she waste all her time with me?

There must be something there that I don't see

I don't see

In the song, Blessid Union of Soul laments the transactional nature of our relationships, even today. Sure, I love you....as long as you stay pretty or keep making money or do me this favor. I wonder, sometimes, if it's even possible to love someone without expectations. Without conditions. For example, let's consider the relationship between Christian and Satine in "Moulin Rouge." He started out the relationship knowing she was a courtesan (which is just a fancy name for whore) but still expected her to be faithful - or at least, wanted her to be faithful, even when it threatened to destroy her entire world. But Satine, she did love him faithfully. So much so, that she was going to sacrifice her own happiness just so he could live. Satine gathered all her inner strength, whatever she had left, to convince him she didn't love him so he'd stay away, stay safe. And do you know what that stupid asshole did? He fucking called her bluff in the middle of a live performance! And she's the one who asks for forgiveness in the end. Typical. Anyway, I'm not sure that's realistic. Could anyone love someone knowing there's no future in it? Sounds like a recipe for heartbreak.

Went on a tangent for a bit. That stupid movie is still working its devilry on me. Anyway, this song elicits many questions. I'm curious how this guy knows that she likes him for him. She could just be really good at pretending she doesn't notice he's rich and handsome. Also, he keeps saying "I'm so glad I found her once again." Where'd she go? Did he leave her behind when he decided to become famous? Sounds like he's kind of a dick, if that's the case. You'll notice, he spends most of the song bragging about himself. And he sounds like he's pretty awesome, but feels a tremendous amount of unworthiness. Clearly, he doesn't think a smart, beautiful, funny, kind, amazing girl would be interested in him unless she was getting something out of it, aside from being in a relationship with him. That's unfortunate. That happens with girls too. I'm thinking of Captain Lance and Ava, from "Legends of Tomorrow." Sara Lance finally gets the girl of her dreams and, out of some misplaced shame, pushes her away, claiming she "deserves" better. I know exactly what Ava was thinking, though - I'm sure she was thinking "it doesn't matter what I deserve, I want you." If you think she deserves better, be better. You'd think that would be the obvious solution....

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Anyway, the video is peak 90s. A guy - who looks like a total fucking dork, by the way - heads out to the club to scope out all the girls. Looking for his next True Love. In his head, the ladies love him - but he strikes out once or twice, as is normal. At the end of the video, he runs into the news broadcaster lady he has a crush on (from the beginning of the video). The video quality is pretty shitty - they didn't have HD in the 90s.

"Hey Leonardo" Video

"Misery" by The Moffatts

I'm still in a cheesy mood so I thought I'd pull out this favorite from my preteen/teen days. You can even see the MTV logo in the corner! You know....from when they still played music videos. Y'all may not be familiar with The Moffatts. They weren't very popular in the United States...but they were huge in Canada briefly. They were Canada's answer to Hanson (and I fucking loved Hanson...still do, in fact...), a band of brothers who sang sappy love songs and played their own instruments. I only knew about them because I read (probably too much) Teen Beat. Don't judge me....the 90s was a crazy time for everybody. This particular song was featured on an episode of my favorite show at the time, which I'll talk about because I feel like it didn't get the recognition it deserved while it was on the air. "So Weird" was a Disney show about a musician's daughter who was obsessed with the paranormal and had metaphysical encounters in every town where the tour stopped. And her older brother was hot. Correction: Her older brother was my kind of hot.... He's still hot - and he started a Christian folk band and stars in Hallmark movies. I apparently have a thing for wholesome nice guys. It's really fucking annoying.

Patrick Levis circa 2000

Patrick Levis Now-ish

Enough about my preteen hormones, let's talk about the song. Pretty simple story. The singer is in love with a girl that may or may not know he exists. It's unclear whether or not he has actually talked to the girl in question. Perhaps he's been admiring her from afar. Perhaps engaging in some mild stalking. Who knows? Point is, he's a little obsessed. I mean, he's wishing he could hold her, touch her, feel her.....and I just realized I assumed a hetero-normative situation. He never actually says that he's singing to a girl in the song, because the lyrics are directed at the object of his affection. My bad. Anyway, so when he's not around this person, it sounds like it sucks for him. Seems pretty straightforward. I find the following lyrics pretty interesting - Misery is what I feel/When you're not around/So I can't heal. I'm curious what this person is supposed to be healing. A broken heart? Or does this person have certain curative properties? Maybe he just feels better about himself when they're around. There's a more current song that's been on the radio that has a similar sentiment. I like me better when I'm with you. That would explain why this person is so addicting for the singer. Because if someone makes you feel like you are all the things you wish you were, wouldn't you want to feel that way all the time? Of course! But it's probably healthier to try and figure out how to feel that way on your own.

I cry myself to sleep again tonight 

cause I cannot hold you tight 

I wish I could see you again tomorrow 

To take all this sorrow, sorrow, hollow

When I touch you 

Can you feel it 

When I need you 

Can you give it 

When I look in your eyes 

Can you see me 

When I fall 

Will you catch me 

Catch me 

Catch me

As much as I like this song, though, it kind of annoys me. First, as you may have noticed, the lyrics are uber melodramatic. Second, if a boy feels like this about a girl, he will write a song about it. Or a poem. Or sketch something. He'll do anything except actually tell said girl about how he's feeling. And then they'll be crushed when she starts dating a Chad. Surprise! You only have a chance with a girl if you actually tell them you like them. Girls can't fucking read minds! Isn't that weird? Such crazy-ness! Much scary! But, once in a while, if you put yourself out there, they like you back. Sometimes they don't - and that sucks but you'll get over it. And sometimes, you'll get to know them and it turns out that you weren't that interested in the actual person....and that's an important thing to know! But, the point is, you never know until you try. Until then, you're just putting the poor girl/boy on a pedestal, out of reach and that's no fun for anyone involved. Fortune favors the bold....and whatnot. And that is your Love Advice with Dr. Jess for the day. ::sigh:: Maybe I'm just being overly unsympathetic. But that would be a first for me.

The video isn't very interesting but the lead singer is attractive. His brothers are attractive, but less so. Everything else in the video is just kind of random. I think the message they were trying to get across was that life was going on around him but he always had storm clouds because his beloved wasn't there. But it misses the mark. I would also like to point out that this song is not on Spotify and that is very unfortunate indeed.

"Misery" Video

"You and Me" by Lifehouse

It's a New Moon (in Aquarius, FYI, not that you asked) and it's also Chinese New Year. It's supposed to be a powerful time for manifesting, not just for the next month but for the whole year. Especially since the first New Moon of the year was all about releasing things that may have been holding you down (because of the eclipse), we're getting a fresh start in February. Thus, I thought it best if I started off this month with a real love song, not one that's bitter or angry. You know....just in case there is something to this whole manifestation thing, I don't want to invite in heartbreak. I've had enough of that, thank you very much, Universe.

Okay, so if we're not pulling in sadness or resentment, what do we want to pull in? Well, as I mentioned in my post for "High Hopes," it's all about being specific. I'm starting to realize that, when we're looking for love, we're not very specific. Honestly, we like the electricity in the beginning and then afterwards, it's just worrying whether or not they're going to stay. Regardless of whether it's for the highest good of everyone involved (and sometimes it's not....I know that's an uncomfortable truth). When I say specific, it's not about wanting a particular person. In "You've Got Mail," when Kate is breaking up with her fiance because he fell in love with another woman, he asks if she'll be okay, if she has someone else in mind. And she's says, "No....but there's the idea of someone else." And maybe some people think that it's unrealistic that she'd be okay with her long-time boyfriend leaving her for someone else, but I don't think so. Maybe deep down, she knew she was settling just because her current situation made logical sense from the outside. And the Universe intervened. I don't know why that particular scene popped into my head right now - this ramble just became a bit too pensive just now and I was trying to keep it light-hearted. Anyway, I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. And instead of getting unstuck, they just forget about what they wanted in the first place.

Alright, back on topic. What do I want to manifest for February? Well, I've always wanted my life to be romantic. Like movie romantic. The Husband used to say I had unrealistic expectations about this sort of stuff. Maybe that's true. But surprise flowers once in a while would be nice. I'm partial to white roses with red edges. Or oleander, which is my actual favorite flower. A bit unconventional, I know - it smells and looks pretty but all that beauty is secretly dangerous. What else? I'd like a few love letters. I'm the only one who ever writes them, so it'd be nice to get a few back. I've always wanted someone to write a poem for me - or make any art, really. Mr. Nice Guy bought me a stapler once and gave me a card that said "You're My Favorite." It was sweet, in a way, but I also kind of wanted to slap him. If I could avoid the "hopelessly practical" type, I would. Slow dancing in the park under a full moon....okay, now I'm just being ridiculous. Oh well....maybe I'm not the fairytale princess type, which means I'm going have to do these things by myself (and drag The Husband kicking and screaming, if I have to....though I'd rather not).

Why are the things that I want to say

Just aren't coming out right?

I'm tripping on words

You got my head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me

And all of the people people with nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me

And all other people

And I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you

"You and Me" is one of my favorite love songs. So....in his head, the singer has separated humanity into two groups - him and the person he loves, and then all other people. And he doesn't even know what to do with this information! He can't even string the right words together, he can barely even think sometimes. Also, I would also like to note that I don't think this song was written in the infatuation stage, where you're all high on life. Nope, it's after you've done all that "getting to know you" crap and you still like being around the other person most of the time. And, even though some of the mystery is gone, you're still kind of in awe of the other person. Strange, I know. Most people turn into assholes once you really get to know them. Or they become boring and predictable. Or, worst of all, they turn into boring, predictable assholes.

Let's talk about the video, because - true to form - I do really love the video for this song. So everyone knows the Romantic Comedy ending - the girl, heartbroken after whatever betrayal the guy has done, decides she needs a change. Usually this change is getting back with her old boyfriend or leaving the country or changing jobs (or quitting prostitution....can I get a holla for "Pretty Woman"?). And - in an incredibly inconvenient twist - this is exactly the moment that the guy decides that he doesn't want to live without her. Thus, the Grand Romantic Gesture is born! Prince Charming pulls his head out of his ass, gets on his motorcycle, and races to stop her from going to....a job interview in DC? Couldn't he just have given her a phone call? It doesn't matter. She was stuck on the Brooklyn Bridge, anyway, so what else was she gonna do? Besides, smack dab in the middle of morning traffic is the perfect place to make out. I'm serious. They've done studies. Some version of that happens in the music video for "You and Me." Girl is headed out of town on the first train (Train? Where the fuck do these people live?!) outta town. Boy, finally realizing that she's his missing piece or something, is racing around the train station, trying to find her....preferably before her train leaves. The thing is....at the end of the video, he shows that he bought a train ticket to go with her. Clearly, he had her itinerary, so why was he freaking out? Boys are stupid.

I think I've ranted your earholes off enough for one night. Please enjoy the beautifully cheesy and almost disgustingly romantic musical stylings of Lifehouse. Video below. Happy Monday!

"You and Me" Video